THE *REAL* ROSS REPORT
All my homies, dis tha place to be, Good Ol' JR he ain't no MC, because he be back rappin' it from under the Resistol peak, JR stylee.
Russ Haaaaaaaaaaas, one of our missionaries doing some faith healing in the Heartland (Wrestling Association), has some heart issues. Namely, his just ain't in the game any more. He left his heart in San Francisco. Or something. He'll be seeing some specialists, or possibly Sly Stallone's The Specialist, on October 11th. Right now he's resting comfortably, blissfully unaware that the Sword Of Damocles hangs over his head.
Billy "Big Willy" Kidman, who got back into some physicality in my office last week, was at Ohio Valley Wrestling earlier this week. He's experiencing some slight pain in his ego, stemming fomr an angle he worked with Hulk Hogan last year. He's done some extensive rehabilitation, but he's no Billy Gunn and therefore will not get gay new entrance music on his return. We have no doubts that Billy will accomplish his goals soon-whatever they maybe-and return to TV as a more spiritually enlightened man. And by that, I mean he'll be doing a Hare Krishna gimmick.
Shawn Stasiak's groin situation, once thought to be athletic shrinkage, has now been diagnosed as a severely small weiner. He will be available for physicality (eg. running into things) in another week or so.
Kurt Angle has not yet received the key to the executive washroom, and so has not had the opportunity to crap on the golden throne of opportunity. Rob Van Dam crapped all over HIS opportunity full-stop this week by busting Kurt open. No more push for YOU, pothead.
Christian had some chords put into his entrance music. He should be getting those removed at the next television taping.
Crash had a slight concussion. He was light and dizzy after television, but managed to avoid hurling all over tourists at WWF New York.
Rikishi, being the lovable fatass that we all know and despise, could be cleared to return to work by as soon as October 15th. We are still working weight issues with Rikishi, and are trying to ascertain whether or not he did actually consume Dean Malenko earlier this year. That may delay his return for another few months or so, especially if he injures himself getting the elevator to my office.
Triple H's quadriceps is healing well and his rehab is going great. He's still looking at probably a December return, possibly with an evil Santa Claus gimmick.
Chris Benoit does a great impression of a hot dog, and hopefully he'll display it when he guests Heat this week.
"The Narcissist" Bob Holly is recovering well at home after having his EVIL, EVIL steel plate removed from his arm. Upon his return look for Bob to slam Yokozuna on the deck of the USS Intrepid-although that may prove to be slightly easier these days.
D-Von Dudley has a minor pinched ass. By me.
Trish Stratus is expected to be back in action around Oct. 15. Back in SEXY action. With SEX.
Jerry Lynn saw his doctor today. They ran into each other at WalMart, apparently.
Shelton Benjamin, one of our prospects in Louisville, saw Dr. Andrews on Monday and was released to return to work, and will be easing back into things based on his injured elbow. Possibly a "Rogue Elbow" storyline?
Angry Allan Funk, known as "Bender" in some circles, got his bell rung last week. We are happy to report, however, that he chased that damn salesman off his porch.
Eric Angle is going to be seeing another group of doctors to determine what we need to do to repair the ligament in his arm, so he can start back from square one in his wrestling career. Expect a match against Shawn Stasiak at Survivor Series for this young stud.
Lotsa rumours circulatin'-and-a-perculatin' this week about Kevin "Big Leather" Nash and Scott "Punch Drunk 50-Year-Old-Woman-Groper" Hall this week. We've had some casual bong-related discussion this week, and both guys are interested in buying some shit off of me. I'd certainly let them bang my daughter under the right circumstances.
I'm real anxious to see how Chris Kanyon does this week. He'll be working with established star Brock Lesnar on Saturday and Sunday. We have high hopes for both guys, but obviously more for Brock because he never wrestled for WCW. This ain't ballet, folks.
Someone once asked me why I don't sign actors or bodybuilders to work for us. My answer is this: I DON'T SIGN PEOPLE, YOU MORONS. God, who am I, Vince MacMahon?
Many of our performers are looking forward to this weekend as we are running multiple orgasms. It's going to keep more of our talent busy and help evaluate their "skills". Hopefully, tickets will sell to these unique shows as well. Nobody is going to fake it just because there aren't twenty thousand fans there. I can personally attest to that.
A lot of our guys will be visiting Ground Zero on October 14th. Obviously we had lent support to thos involved, we just didn't shout about it like some stupid, self-involved primadonnas who still believe the wrestling world runs around them. Grow up, Goldberg. If we signed a check with your name on it you'd come running. YOU AIN'T BIGGER THAN US! We're hoping that the Garden event will be up to scratch, because we're always up to scratch at the Garden. Well, except for that ugly, ugly business with Mike Awesome. And the Mae Young incident. Ugh.
Charlie Haaaaaaaaaaaas, Russ' evil twin, and the Island Boyz, Rikishi's evil borthers that were raised by Vince Russo, are getting good reports on the indy circuit. Obviously, the Islanders are also big fatties who need to drop a coupla Max Minis before they'll wrestle in the big-time. It's just common sense that you can't perpetuate a career carrying 400 pounds around. It's just not meant to be. Why we signed Paul Wight escapes even me, the Man Who Can Rationalise Everything.
Nidia has a unique "ugly but fuckable" appeal that we're sure can be used well in Louisville, where she'll be working with Victoria on some of the finer points of implants. These ladies should some interesting workouts together, especially when slipped a few extra bucks by some randy Japanese businessmen. Meanwhile, Maven will be sent to Cincinnati where he'll be physically and mentally abused until he goes all Gomer Pile on us. Then, just maybe, we'll fire him and forget about him. But fired or not, he's really gotta do something about those eyebrows.
Monday's RAW is going to be big. Gabby Hayes big. I'm anxious to see where the title match is placed on the program, or if Austin will even show up. The entire show-with some pretty crazy matches-will be hot as Hell. The match might even go past eight minutes. I know! Shocking! This is really shaping up to be the biggest RAW in some time. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Mick Foley will return Monday. Oh, me and my big mouth. So will Vince MacMahon. Oh shit.
Some fans (Scott Keith) oversimplify what they would do if given the opportunity. Fact is, it's more fun and sometimes easier to critique than to speak positively, especially when you're Canadian. Overall, I think the writers are doing a fine job of writing stuff and so on, but they really need to tone down on the Test matches.
I expect we'll find out some matches for No Mercy sometime before the event, possibly even before the Heat preceding it. Monday's show should be fun, and also should be a step towards No Mercy. Which, obviously, it is.
As I've said, a big weekend for me. I really miss being able to watch those damn Sooners games, but my schedule is very, very challenging-to challenging for TV, even. Too challenging for some action with Mrs. Ross! Remember, I'm Sooner Born, Sooner Bred, and when I die I'll be Sooner dead. In the hood, just like my homes. I'll see you Sooner or later on RAW Monday night. SOONER OR LATER! OH THAT'S GOOD!