THE *REAL* RETURNING ROSS REPORT
Greetings from under Vince McMahon's thumb with news, opinions and possibly some fould language. That means ratings, in my view.
Backlash was a solid show, nothing extraordinary, that had a hard act to follow after such an amazing edition of Sunday Night Heat. Our talent worked really, really hard, which is nothing different when there is a good chance I'll fire you in a drunken rampage. Several bright spots, including those big spiky swinging things at the entrance, Steve Blackman's electrifying WWF NY promo, and Albert's screaming. The Chicago crowd was, as usual, hideously ugly, and that certainly made me feel better about myself. I would rate the show as a six or seven on a star rating system.
Dean Malenko hit his shoulder against someone's ass backstage this week and received a thorough chew-out for it. That improved the situation.
Scotty Too Hotty's neck is really causing a problem, prompting several wrestlers to complain about it's backstage attitude. We may have to consider some sort of contract deal here.
Perry Saturn has a severely bruised biceps, after molesting Eddie Guerrero a little too roughly while walking to the ring last week. He'll work his hectic Metal schedule nonetheless.
William Regal has some real pain in his shoulder this week, caused by a particularly nasty facial contortion. He'll work through it, but his hilarious sneers may not be 100%.
K-Kwik has been UNBOOKED. It's a sad, sad day. This youngster had a lot to offer.
D-Von Dudley's shoulder is real sore, but it won't stop him getting wood any time soon. Those Damn Dudleys...
Grand Master Sexay cut his leg on Denver, but is going to be OK. Until we fire him, of course.
Rodney Rageous has a slightly bad haircut that will require a couple of hour's styling. Shoot-Happy Schultz, of A-Team fame, will be out five or six weeks, while filming a new series of Star Trek.
Christina Aguilera (Hardcore Bitch) had back surgery on Tuesday and will be healing, but is expected to make a full return to producing crappy music after several weeks.
Mick Foley was interviewed Thursday for a feature on his new book, "Foley Is Good At Writing 400 Pages Of Crap". I'm reading it right now, as we speak, meaning I maymsspeeel crtaein wrresds.
Sunday Night HEAT on MTV this week will feature Triple H and Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley live at WWF New York with a different format/presentation. It could well be called "The Triple H And Stephanie Smile Time Hour" from now on.
Bradshaw's gonna be kicking ass on the stock market next week, on some really crappy UPN channel.
Chile's national TV channel will interview some superstars next week, giving us a valuable niche in the "weird-ass foreigners we can exploit" market.
Kurt Angle will be FORCING voters to SUBMIT...to registering, that is. Ahh, me and my old Okie wit.
Chyna will be shot in the left breast on May 9th.
Raven has been doing a terrific job with media appearances promoting live events, and will be utilised more in this area. I smell another Tazz-like success story, folks.
Lita will be performing some hot girl-on-girl action for E3 on May 17, as well as recording some sexy soundbites for her answerphone the next day.
Tazz will try and throw out the first pitch at the Mets-Dodgers Shea Stadium game on May 18th. It all depends on the price of children's tickets, folks.
Sgt. Slaughter's Celebrity Golf Tournament will feature the Hardy Boyz & Lita, Bradshaw, Terri, Big Boss Man, Michael Hayes, Michael Cole, the Coach and Kevin Kelly on May 31-June 1 at the Doral Golf Resort in Miami. This could lead to some sort of "Iraqi Sympathiser" angle, although it's more likely we'll see the Big Bossman lay a vicious night stick beating on the Coach.
Two guys that you've never heard of both gave me oral pleasure this weeks, and thus have themselves new jobs.
Negotiations with TNN regarding WCW are still ongoing. NO firm date has been set, but we could be looking at waiting until the end of the tractor-pull season before TV becomes a reality. The project will definitely move forward between now and then, contrary to what FILTHY FILTHY internet reporters like Chris Hyatte say. I met with Stacy Keibler and a wall this week, and both were really good at, um, convincing of their talents. Aside from television negotiations, everything else is going infuriatingly well, almost to the point where it could actually become successful. This was, without fail, the best week of meetings I've ever had, thanks to the high ratio of talent to blowjobs.
New reviews of Paul Heyman's dress sense recently, as he and yours truly are really beginning to gel together, much like some sort of bizarre, evil space creature intent on killing us all.
I hope to speak with Tommy Dreamer about a new role in the company very soon. Tommy brings a lot to the table-most notably a really, really battered body-and we hope to be able to talk him into taking over from Jeff Hardy in the "pointless suicide" role real soon.
Damn, I wish we could get serious about our light heavyweights. Oh, wait, who's that guy...Jerry Lynn, yeah, he should make some sort of impact. Hopefully he'll give the division the jump start it deserves before we meaninglessly bury him by teaming him with the Holly Cousins.
Expect to see several creative changes within the federation real soon. Ideas include "Kane Ate My Baby", "Chris Benoit Is From The Future" and "D'Lo Brown Wears A Turban". All fresh ideas, sure to provide better opportunities for our deserving talents.
The Rock's role in "Return O' The Yeti" is a limited one. Do not be disappointed; two hours with just the Great One on screen would suck just as much. There is no doubt that he will be back in the Federation this summer, taking away pushes from deserving young talents like the Undertaker. Rocky appeared on "The Really, Really, So-Late-That-Only-Psychotic-Loners-Are-Watching Show with Craig Kilborn" on Friday, and he got a real good review from Bad New Brown.
I did not travel to Insurrextion this weekend, because I was washing my hair. I was discouraged from travelling by my doctors, who said that sitting a plane chair with no action to call for twelve hours could destroy my commentating prowess.
Christian is getting married on May 25 in Florida, in some sort of dark ceremony. Although his wife will be strapped to a symbol, not a cross. Expect run-ins by Ken Shamrock and the Big Show.
The Undertaker has never been more popular and is right where he should be, in my opinion. When Kane returns to action in a few weeks, we expect him to be even more established at the top of many of our cards, as well. Both men have really elevated The Game in the past few weeks.
Mark Henry, Randy Orton and Flash(AHAAAAAAA!) -- all talents from Ohio Valley Wrestling (OVW) in. shockingly, Louisville, Ky. -looked real good in dark matches this week. Dark meaning the arena was pitch-black.
Beautiful Bobby Eaton will assist training some bright new stars in OVW over the next coupla months. He's got some great assets for such an old guy and I truly hope this works out for him. Otherwise he's off to the glue factory.
Double Dutch Mantaur is doing a superb job with our young talents in Puerto Rico. Cross your fingers, an Tiger Ali Singh could be murdered any day now.
Oh yeah, and MCW's all that, jack.
Take care, and remember the most important commandment: thou shalt not fuck with Jim Ross.