THE *REAL* ROSS REPORT
Greetings from the Old People State from under the Resistol hat with a somewhat shorter Ross Report. This is designed to combat all you filthy, filthy internet BASTARDS who are spoofing me.
Sorry about that, folks.
Meetings were conducted here in Florida this week with several WCW talents, due to many of their headliners finding home in the many retirement hostels of the state. Talents included: Mike "The Canadian Career Killing 70s Fat Chick Thriller" Awesome, The Laughing Erection Hugh Morrus, Shawn The Fawn Stasiak, Flamin' Jamie Howard, Atlanta's Goodwill Ambassador William Kidman and Torrie Wilson, who has really big titties. All meetings were very positive, even though I caught Shawn Stasiak taping our rendevous for later use. He assured me it was for personal reasons. Awesome, Morrus, Stasiak and Howard will all be reporting to Memphis Championship Wrestling, where we hope they will be injured by the most dangerous of moves, the piledriver. None of the others mentioned are under contract right now, but perhaps could be once they learn how to read and write. As far as talents are concerned, Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson are two very positive and talented young performers whom we are interested in having under our boardroom desks. I've had meetings with all our contracted talent except Lance Storm, who is Canadian and speaks funny. I'll meet him when we go to Canada later this month, provided Bret Hart doesn't try and ambush us at the border.
Still no start date for the first WCW TV broadcast, but all indications are it will get off the ground sometime within the future. We're discussing strategy all the time, including showing the new programme in between the matches on RAW and giving away SmackDown! results on the show. We are probably moving too slowly for some, but those people are WCW fans who spent the last few years mocking us so they can kiss my Okie ass. I personally was part of the destruction of the Rebel Alliance when the Dark Lords Of The Sith purchased the UWF, and we cannot allow that to happen here. We have some real quality individuals on the WCW roster. We also have Mike Sanders. They are all young, athletic and hungry, especially Hugh Morrus.
My personal thoughts are with Tazz during a difficult and challengning time. Of course, none of you know what challenging and difficult time this is, so this paragraph was pointless.
I'm not sure how much business I accomplished with Jimmy Hart but I had a blast sharing "fat wrestler" jokes and getting blind stinking drunk with him. Jimmy is a helluva nice man who is still just as enthusiastic today as he has ever been. Of course, waking up in bed next to him the following morning was somewhat of a shock.
>From where I sit, Monday's RAW IS WAR was not one of our better broadcasts. Obviously the absence of such athleticism as Kane's and the backstage swing of Triple H had some effect. But I blame Rikishi. The big fat bitch dragged the whole show down the toilet, thanks to his awful, awful dance routine. Stephanie MacMahon, on the other hand, has developed a real nice speaking voice. SmackDown! was a very solid show, and the backstage stuff with Undertaker and Stone Cold really stole the show, thanks to it being pushed down everyone's throats until they collectively gagged. The crowd in Hartford also seemed to be into the show, which really helps the product. Long Island, however, sucks the big one.
Colombus, Ohio has been postponed this Sunday until Sept. 24th's RAW, due to it being near Al Snow's hometown-we don't wanna risk him getting a pop, now do we. It will give our talent some much needed rest, as well as the opportunity to celebrate Mother's Day. If Goldust and the Blue Meanie were still with us, I'm sure they'd be ecstatic.
Phat Matt Anoai and Eddiekmo Fatu are really working their big fat Samoan asses off in Memphis. This young team has a ton of potential, but I think we have enough fat, stupid, UGLY Somoans stinking up our shows. Ya hear me, Rikishi?
I will be in Louisville, Ky., Tuesday for SmackDown! and Wednesday for Ohio Valley Wrestling's TV taping. Yes, that's right, I will be there, so bring your autograph books, you young, nubile JR fans! I'm real proud of the guys in OVW, as working with that tennis racket-waving goon can't be easy.
Russ McCullough is getting very positive reviews in Puerto Rico's IWA. The 7-footer is working hard and that's where it always starts. Of course, it can also end in a)being murdered in the showers, or b)becoming a huge, talentless slug who treats Rey Misterio Jr. like a jobber. Both good options, from where I sit.
Sorry to see the XFL cancelled, as I loved hanging round with all those slim, sexy football players, but it was the right decision for Jesse Ventura.
More within the company seem to be getting interested in the Federation light heavyweight division. We really have some great talents in this weight category. Why can't it work? Because they're all ugly, freakishly small midgets who've never touched steroids in their lives!
Spike Dudley has contributed very positively to the Dudley Boyz presentation. Great attitude. Ring work sucks, obviously, but Paul Heyman likes him, and that's enough for a push these days.
"Tall" Paul Bearer will soon be going on the road to observe the world while taking mind-expanding drugs. I am very pleased with Paul, but it may be hard for him to match the star power of new signees Dennis Brent and Bob Clarke, whose mic work is unrivalled in the talent scout area.
Spruce Prichard will be working full-time with the creative arm of the company form now on. That would be Paul Heyman's writing arm, and Bruce's new tasks will include giving manicures, muscle massages and finger strokes.
No return date has been determined for Scotty 2 Hotty from the injured list. It's a real shame-the ranks of wrestlers with numbers in their names have really become depleted in recent years.
Our condolences to Faarooq and his family for the unexpected death of his brother. Hopefully he'll return to being damned real soon.
Tough Enough ends taping today for a June launch. I have not seen any footage yet, but I am told it's almost on par with WBF Body Stars. Al Snow, Tazz, Jackie and Tori have all done a superb job, and hopefully will benefit from the weekly TV exposure. Doing nude shower scenes wouldn't hurt either.
My instincts tell me that RAW this Monday could be real hot and intense, and I think this could ring true if the Edge/Christian/Benoit/Jericho match is kept nice and short. A Scaffold match could contribute to the excitement too. Judgment Day is coming! It's the Rapture! Repent Your Sins! Die, Evil-Doers, Die!
Take care, and don't forget....I know what you did last summer.