How to write a Pro-Wrestling column:

1) Always start by introducing yourself. Explain that you will always strive to be entertaining and hint that you are "connected". If you don't have any experiences on the "independent scene" to over-inflate, take 2-4 paragraphs to detail your non-existent career in music (for instance: "I'm in a band called Bunghole and we'll make a CD, as soon as we write some songs. And learn how to play a few more chords."), as well as everything else that you have at least a passing interest in (racquetball, fantasy curling, whatever).

2) One word: SHILL! If you're writing a pro-wrestling web page, you're probably not getting paid, so be sure to milk this for the free advertising (for example: "If you're thinking of purchasing 'Foley is Good', be sure to use my Amazon.com link (insert link)." or, "I have a ten speed bike that needs tires that I couldn't unload at my yard sale. Will take $35, obo."

3) Impress upon your readers how fair & impartial you intend to be. Be sure to remind your readers of this every time you say something totally biased and inflammatory.

4) Be sure to mention the HUGE volume of mail you receive. Even if this is your very first column, you should include an I-get-letters-esque section. Solicit feedback, but don't acknowledge/post any that doesn't completely support your views, unless they are so embarrassingly ridiculous they actually make you look good.

5) Be inconsistent. If you put Jericho over this week, you'll only appeal to half your audience, so be sure to flame him next week and kiss up to the other half. If anybody calls you on it, find out what side they're on and agree with them.

6) Use big words. Even if you can't use them correctly. Most people won't notice and may even repeat your mis-use. In time, you may find that your use of the word has superceded its actual intended use. Won't that feel special? Further, you can use this as an opportunity to invoke rule 2 (for instance: "If you don't know what this word means, click this link to buy a dictionary at amazon.com)

7) Speculate to no end as to which direction your favorite promotion should go. If your guess is right, proudly proclaim how happy you are that the fed finally did the right thing, while grumbling that you should be getting paid for your booking suggestions. If you are wrong, flame the hell out of your promotion, even if the course of action actually taken was far better than you ridiculous ramblings. Remember, if you bash something hard enough, even people who loved it will start to have doubts.

8) Last, and most importantly, never let your audience know how much you need this gig. While we may know that you would gleefully pay people to read your musings (if you weren't so broke), your audience must think this is a royal pain in your ass. Always make sure you fill the first three (or more) paragraphs with insane tales of your hectic, on-the-go lifestyle. If you write your column regularly (for instance: Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays), be sure to miss at least one per week due to some heavy outside commitment. Enhance your image by employing your imagination to the fullest (for instance: "No column Wednesday. I have to fly to Hoboken for a Cinderella reunion concert and then on to Baltimore to throw out the first pitch at the Orioles game.")