FIVE EASY PIECES
The WWE Main Eventers
I am in a good mood today. This is my Fifth column. The first one was just practice so it doesn't count. Here I'd like to have some fun where I explain how things come in fives. I'll follow it up with five jokes if you stay with me. But first I got a lot of positive feedback on my last column that I'd like to get to. My previous column was my best column yet and as Chris Jericho would say, "If you didn't like it then you should stop reading now because it was the best of me that you're going to get."
Dominic Seibert writes:
Very nice article and a very sad story. It reminds me of one episode of Nitro when Bret Hart came out and did another one of his ad nauseum "I keep getting screwed" spiels, when The Crow/Stinger came out and said something to the effect of, "Bret, I'm sick and tired of you coming out here week after week and telling everyone how you got screwed. We've *ALL* been screwed at one time or another in this business."
Good point, everyone does get screwed at one time or another, even the top stars.
Bret Hart isn't the only guy who ever got screwed.
This has probably been the most interesting piece of work I've read this month. Very interesting indeed.
It just sucks sometimes about tag teams. Bart Gunn was the better wrestler out of the Smoking Gunns but he got screwed over. Marty Jannety was the better of the Rockers, Matt Hardy was the better of the Hardyz, and Dynamite Kid was the better of the British Bulldogs. Seems as though the better of the Tag Teams always gets screwed over(besides Bret Hart). Don't you think?
Great read and great job.
I think a lot of who they push has to do with the look of the wrestler. They want to push the ones with the good looks. I'm still not convinced that Edge deserved a push that much more than Christian or that Jeff deserves it more than Matt. If you look at tapes of the Rockers matches, Jannety held his own. He was ahead of his time with his moves like the frankensteiner. I agree that many times when a team breaks up, the "weaker" partner gets overlooked.
Since I'm writing to a smart audience, I'll ask you some questions and then correct your answers.
The first two questions;
The answers to both questions are the same. The Rock, Brock Lesner, Kurt Angle, Triple H, and The Undertaker. Brock Lesner is only 24, but he is already in the main event at arguably the second biggest PPV of the year. This combined with his winning streak and win over Hulk make him a main eventer, whether we like it or not. I can see some of you are upset that your favorite wrestler didn't make the cut. Ok, I'll help you out. I'll tell you just what steps that wrestler needs to take to make it to the main event level. Star in a Hollywood movie, Win an Olympic Gold Medal, Screw the bosses daughter, or Hang around forever to get seniority. :) But seriously, all you have to do is beat Hogan, pay attention people.
Not Quite Ready for Primetime Players
RVD is the hottest thing going for Raw today. He is the master of the FIVE star frog splash. He is way over with the fans. He is only 30 and has a unique high impact style. He headlined a PPV, only one time back in the 10/01 No Mercy. He has come close to breaking out with a win over the Undertaker on many a Raw. To get back to that level, he needs to get a win over the Taker or Triple H. Odds on making it by the end of the year: 4-1
Chris Jericho, was the first ever undisputed champion. He was in the co-main event of Wrestlemania 18 and is only 31. But, he was booked so terribly as a weak champion that he has never recovered. It seems like its been FIVE months since he won a PPV match. He recently lost three times in a row to a rookie who most fans don't recognize (John Cena). When what he needed to do was to pin Hogan on Smackdown. What he needs to do now is to get a win over Triple H. They have wrestled on many occasions and he always comes up short. There is no chance of Hunter putting him over ever. The best he can do is get as far away from Hunter as he can. If he stays heel, he will get overshadowed by the better heel - Triple H. If he turns face, he will get jobbed to Triple H. If he wrestles anyone else, he will be booked to lose by to Triple H. At least he has his music career to fall back on. Odds: 20-1.
Booker T is a FIVE time WCW champion. (Enough with the Fives already.) He was in the main event at last year's Summerslam against the Rock. The problem is that he was booked as a Rock rip-off. "Finally the Book has come back to Summerslam." He has jobbed in almost all of his PPV matches. Now he is finally getting over for his own cheesy gimmick. But, it may be too late. He is 37, but he is an old 37 with a lot of wear and tear on his body. He only wants to wrestle another year or so. By tag teaming with Golddust he is putting himself out of main event contention. Odds: 25-1
Chris Benoit is a former WCW champion. He headlined a WWF PPV vs. the Rock when he first joined the WWF. He also headlined the 06/01 King of the Ring against Jericho and Austin. But that was his last match before suffering a serious neck injury. He is the internet's favorite wrestler and has a great workrate. He is 35, and needs to make the move now. With the WWE style leaning towards favoring submission holds, I can see Benoit making the jump. His Crossface is a much better hold than an ankle lock or a bear hug. He recently had very good matches against the Rock. The Rock even tapped out on Smackdown a few weeks ago. He needs to drop the Intercontinental Title. The way the IC belt is used now is only as a platform for midcarders and will only hold him back. Then he needs to get a singles victory against the Rock. A win over Hogan would be nice too. I can see him becoming a main eventer soon. Odds: 2-1
Edge is the youngest of this group at 28. He had a big PPV win over Kurt Angle. It looks like the WWE is serious about giving him a push. He just needs to stay away from John Cena and Rey Mysterio. He doesn't need to be put in a light-weight group like that. It will be difficult for people to believe he can beat Brock when he is easily outweighed by over a hundred pounds. His power moves like the spear wouldn't hurt Brock. His teaming with Hogan was smart, and helped him get over. People thought he would turn on Hogan and join the Un-Americans, but he is better as a face. To move up, he needs a win over Brock or a title shot against Kurt Angle. I can see the second one happening more than the first. Odds: 5-1
Eddie Guerrero has never been a main eventer. He was supposed to have a big program against Steve Austin that got nixed when Austin walked out. Instead he had to job to a 53 year old Nature Boy. That sucked. Finally he got a big match vs. the Rock on Raw. He proved himself in that match by countering a Rock Bottom and almost winning the big one. Currently he is in tag matches with Chris Benoit or his brother Chavo. These matches are bad for Eddie. In his matches with Benoit, Benoit looks like the stronger member of the team and Eddie looks weak in comparison. Eddie and Benoit came in to the WWF at the same time and are both 35. Eddie has much better mike skills. He needs to break off from Benoit and his cruiserweight brother and get a win over the Rock or Kurt Angle. And he needs to keep up his aggressive streak and keep his comedic side of Latino Heat down to a minimum.
In conclusion, look for Benoit, RVD, and Edge to make a run at the main event. They are the future and the future looks bright.
Since we are still here and I'm still in a good mood, I'll give you some Carnac jokes based on wrestling trivia. If Hyatte can do a serious column, then I can do a comedic one. Anyway, we are both ripping off Johnny Carson.
FIVE Carnac Jokes -
1. Scott Hall, his favorite weapon, and Bradshaw
Name a Razor, a Tazer, and a Hazer.
Name a Parked Car, a Candy Jar, and an Open Bar
Name A Stroke, A Blatant Choke, and A Finger Poke
Name A Gore, a Whore, a Bore, and a War to Settle the Score
5. The Truth, Flair, Trish Stratus, the Dusty Finish, and Tommy Dreamer
Name a K-Kwick, a Slick Ric, a Hot Chick, a Cheap Trick, and a Kendo Stick
Thank you and goodnight.