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Jim Ross, Jr.



November 2, 2001

Words from a higher power: "One of the funniest reports you've done in a great long while!"--CRZ on Last Monday's column.

Welcome folks to the first ever "Animal Cracker" edition of the Jim Ross, Jr. Report. This week I deviate even further from the norm as I hand out animal nicknames to many of the superstars of the World Wrestling Federation. What has prompted me to do such a thing, you ask? Michael Cole--everyone's favorite sports entertainment announcer--had the gall to call Albert a "moose" during last week's Sunday Night HeAT. I was considering suing Cole for gimmick infringement, but thought better of it when I took time to think it over. The more I think about it, Albert is a moose and not a hoss like I stated in previous columns. And for that, I thank you, Michael Cole. You're a weasel, but a wise one at that.

Big Show, however, is still an ox. Some things will never change.

Linda McMahon, who many compare to Jaqueline Kennedy-Onassis or Mother Teresa, is the most graceful member of the McMahon family. Linda quite stunning for a woman her age and because of that I believe she is a beautiful swan. Her verbal skills, however, are below par and I think a trip to Ohio Valley Wrestling will only help her in the long run.

Shane McMahon, a man who has rhythm like no other, is quick as a pussycat. Despite his stocky 235 lbs. physique, Shane is an incredible athlete. You also have to factor in that he was only a third-string linebacker when he played football in high school. Shane is proof that cream does rise to the top and he will prove that as a member of Team Alliance vs. Team WWF at Survivor Series. Did you know Shane is also a great dancer? He's kinda like Julia Louis-Dreyfuss' character, Elaine on Seinfeld.

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley, the most dominant female in the history of sports entertainment, has a lot going for her. She's got average looks (which is why so many guys want to bang her), brains, and a sense for fashion. She also has gigantic breasts that make her look like a cow. When she gets to Linda's age, those utters will be sagging to her toes.

Vince McMahon is a cock. A rooster that is. Need I say any more?

Kane is not an animal, but a monster like J.R. and Michael Cole have stated numerous times. He's like Frankenstein in that he just doesn't know better. He's not like the rest of us. I believe the biggest mistake made with Kane was when he became "human" and had feelings. I truly believe Kane was best suited as the Jason Voorhies killer heel that he started out as.

Kurt Angle is the clydesdale of the Federation. Carrying monsters like Kane to the best matches of their career is not an easy task. Kurt's a workhorse who will may be considered one of the greats of all-time when it's all said and done. Who wouldn't want to see a Ric Flair-Kurt Angle match-up should Flair sign with the Federation?

Undertaker's diet and training regimine is top notch in my books. Who would piss off a guy that shadow boxes before matches? It's all apart of an effective arsenal of soupbone rights and excellent submission work. Work that arm before the old school then move into a cross-armbreaker. That's psychology! That's why Mike Awesome isn't a highly respected worker in 'Taker's eyes. It doesn't take much talent to break tables after all. However, I think Undetaker would be at his best if he gets down to 275 lbs. Undertaker is the consummate hoss.

Spike "I feel like a hundred bucks, J.R.!" Dudley is like a gnat considering all the abuse he takes. Spike plays a great pinball and could be a great sympathetic character if the writing team chose to highlight it. However, the creative team is at a lost on how to handle Spike's character.

Muskrat and peacock--When I think of these animals, I envision the Hardy Boyz and Lita. It's gotta be because the of lack of grooming and unique fashion sense (exposed thong, cut-up t-shirts, and hair dye). It is well known that peacocks often dabble in "alternative lifestyles" and I wouldn't be surprised if Jeff Hardy did also. That boy ain't right, y'know.

Stone Cold Steve Austin is still the Texas Rattlesnake. He's the best WWF Champion of all-time, from where I sit.

I can't wait for the return of the rabid wolverine, Chris Benoit. I've been getting my Benoit fix lately by ordering some "Best of Benoit" tapes off of eBay. If only I can find somebody to hook me up with the "Best of Seven (actually 8 matches)" Benoit and Booker T had in 1998, I will be set.

I remember back in the day I used to think Booker T and his brother, Stevie Ray looked like Shawn Kemp who at the time was playing basketball with the Seattle SuperSonics. Besides riding the bench for the Portland Trailblazers, Kemp is now a fat pig who has a hard time keeping his nose clean, if you know what I mean.

Brock Lesnar impressed many at TV this week and his future looks very bright. This blue-chipper from the University of Minnesota is National Champion in amateur wrestling. Brock is a big ol' bison and could make his Federation debut as soon as spring of 2002.

Diamond Dallas Page is a jackass. He came up with a gimmick based on his real life personality and Vince McMahon is behind him all the way on it. Little does Page know that Vince is actually holding the shovel to bury him. I truly believe Page is only weeks away from doing a vignette in which he plugs up a toilet and then solves the problem by fishing the turd out of the toilet, then looking into the camera to say, "Plugging up your toilet isn't a bad thing! It's a good thing!"

Tazz is like a puppy in that he needs attention and will do anything to get it. Some may call that being a "mark" for yourself, but since I'm handing out animal nicknames, puppy will have to suffice.

Test is like a a beaver with those bucked teeth he has. I know I have stated many times in the past that Test is a stud, but I have reconsidered. Test is definitely a beaver, and from now on, I refer to him as "Lucky Bucky."

I'm amazed I found a way to work "cock" and "beaver" into this column. Folks, it's not arrogance, it's greatness.

Oklahoma is favored by 41 over Tulsa. Tulsa better be prepared 'cause the Sooners are going to take out their frustrations from last week's loss against Nebraska on them. Boomer Sooner!

If you disagree with any of my superstar nicknames make sure to post your thoughts on the EZboard or send them to me via e-mail. Good Ol' J.R., Jr. is all about fan interaction. I'm not a cranky old fart at all!

That's my prerogative.

J.R., Jr.
The Best Damn Columnist on the Damn Internet

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