THE JIM ROSS, JR. REPORT
Special Interview Edition
February 23, 2001
Before the interview, I have a little something that needs to be said about
this week's TV. Why aren't tickets being sold for fans to sit backstage?
Never in my life have I seen a sports entertainment show so heavy on skits
in my life. I'm sorry, but Smackdown is not going to win an Emmy or Golden
Globe any time in the future. Acting is not the strength of the WWF
superstars, but physical in-ring action is where it's at.
Wednesday, February 13, 2002 (God, I sound like Paul Heyman reciting these
dates.) Good Ol' J.R., Jr. interviewed Good Ol' Billy Goldberg. "Da Man."
"The Phenom." Whatever you want to call him, the bottom line is he was a
mainstream wrestling superstar and his career is currently on hold now.
Bill is under contract to AOL Time Warner for another sixteen months. He's
a man who has everyone's dream job: money for nothing. Collecting mailbox
money. What follows is an interesting chat between two Okies who quite
frankly don't give a shit what anybody thinks. If you are expecting a Jim
Ross sitdown style interview I suggest you click the "Back" button on your
browser right now. This is Part One of an EXCLUSIVE two-part interview.
JR, Jr.: Howdy Bill. What's shaking in your neck of the woods?
Bill Goldberg: Junior, I prefer to be callled William now. It's quite
JR, Jr: You're kidding me, right?
William Goldberg: No, I'm not. Gotta problem with that? If so, I'LL SPEAR
JR, Jr: Uh, Bill, remember this is a telephone conversation. There's no
way you can spear me through the phone.
William Goldberg: Hey, it's William. Get it right or YOU'RE NEXT!
JR, Jr: Bill, I mean William, what I want to ask right off the top is do
you have any desire whatsoever to be a player once again in this industry?
William Goldberg: No. Next question.
JR, Jr: OK. Your final match in World Championship Wrestling took place on
January 14, 2001 at the Sin pay-per-view pitting DeWayne Bruce & yourself
against Lex Luger & Buff Bagwell. That match turned out to be your
retirement in the storyline and eventually in reality as well. Did you ever
imagine that would be your last match?
William Goldberg: I thought Eric (Bischoff) had the company in the bag. I
figured there would be a new day. A new start for WCW and I would be part
of that, but that didn't happen.
JR, Jr: And how does that make you feel, William?
William Goldberg: I feel bad because the kids that look up to me don't have
their hero anymore. God forbid my fans watch the WWF and be subjected to
JR, Jr: Yes, that would be a shame. Anyway, tell me about your
relationship with your trainer, DeWayne Bruce.
William Goldberg: I owe everything I have accomplished in this business to
Sarge. Y'know, you can't trust anybody in this business, but Sarge is a
stand up guy. He's a mentor in many ways. I would take a bullet for the
JR, Jr: (At this point I'm in tears) That's so sweet. Would you mind if I
turn up the voltage a little?
William Goldberg: What?
JR, Jr: That's Steve Austin's gimmick, by the way. Better cut it or the
marks will start that "Goldberg copies Austin" shit again. Let's talk about
that girlfriend of yours, Lisa. How did you meet her?
William Goldberg: I met her about nine years ago at a club (Note: Probably
that much talked about Gold Club. Very unorthodox business practices I must
say.) in Atlanta. I persued her and followed her around from club to club
before she eventually gave in and went out with me (laughs).
JR, Jr: (A tad sarcastic) That's such a touching story. Just don't marry
the bitch. Do you know how many wives I ran through in my 25 years of human
William Goldberg: ...
JR, Jr: FOUR BY GOD WIVES! Bill, whatever you do, don't get married.
You'll regret it the next damn morning.
William Goldberg: That's it JR, Jr. Next time I'm face to face with you not
only will I spear you, but you're getting the jackhammer! You don't want to
get under my skin. Did you see what I did to my caddy at the Bob Hope
Classic a couple weeks ago?
JR, Jr: Yeah, you threw his sorry ass in the water.
William Goldberg: Hell yeah. I got my mind on my money and my money on my
mind. Laid back.
JR, Jr: What the fuck?
William Goldberg: Did I say that out loud?
JR, Jr: Uh, yeah!
William Goldberg: Oh shit. I hope you don't hold that against me. I dig
old school Snoop Doggy Dogg.
JR, Jr: Who doesn't? Anyway, I want to ask you something wrestling related
again. I know you've credited Hulk Hogan with making your career, but you
fail to acknowledge that he also help put a damper on your drawing power
too. Care to respond?
William Goldberg: Hulk Hogan made Goldberg. He put me over at the Georgia
Dome in '98 and that sealed the deal on my legacy. I talk with Hulk all the
time. I trust the man. He's the greatest of all time.
JR, Jr: Seriously, are you blind?
William Goldberg: Yes, in my left eye.
JR, Jr: That's bullshit.
William Goldberg: No, it's true.
JR, Jr: Now you're using Kurt Angle's catchphrase! Watch yo self!
William Goldberg: Jim, I will now be known as Sir William Goldberg. It just
sounds cool. It flows off the tongue like butter.
JR, Jr: Wait a second. You realize you have to be knighted by British
royalty in order to be called "Sir," don't you?
Sir William Goldberg: Don't make me spear one of my cats.
JR, Jr: Speaking of cats, what's the deal with you and the animal rights?
Fighting for animal rights on Capitol Hill. Adopting enough dogs and cats
to supply a small village. A lot of fans thought it was kinda unorthodox to
see a 6'4'' 280 lbs. hoss standing up for animal rights, but I thought it
humanized your character. It showed that Bill Goldberg...
Sir William Goldberg: HEY!
JR, Jr: I mean, Sir William Goldberg, is something more than a
one-dimensional spearing and jackhammering neanderthal man.
Sir William Goldberg: Yeah, whatever.
JR, Jr: Do you still hold a grudge against Bob Ryder? I remember you two
had quite a rivalry going on there.
Sir William Goldberg: Let me tell you something about that prick. He'll
never have my fame. He'll never be able to put a crease in the name
"Goldberg." He's just a fucking nobody who reports on the Internet. I shave
my head bald. He doesn't. Is he even married? I think it's awfully sad
that a 40-something year old man is hanging around wrestlers most of the
time. It wouldn't surprise me if he was queer.
JR, Jr: So, um... that Judy Bagwell sure is a hoss, isn't she?
Sir William Goldberg: What's a hoss?
This is ends Part One. Part Two coming Monday... If I actually find time to
type it up.
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