Jim Ross, Jr.
THE JIM ROSS, JR. REPORT
Special Interview Edition
March 3, 2002
By God, I would get so much more done if there were about 4 more hours in each day.
And before we get to the conclusion of my Two-part EXCLUSIVE (So exclusive, I think you folks need to give me some money or something.) interview of my with Sir William Goldberg I want to state something that has been heavy on my conscience.
Rehab is for quitters.
Where we last left off, Sir William had asked about the term "hoss."
J.R., Jr.: You see Sir William...
Sir William Goldberg: (interrupting) This better be quick. I have a basket full of yarmulkes to get in the wash.
J.R., Jr.: William, you're a hoss. You're a restaurant quality hoss. A hoss is a man that is a genetic freak of nature. A hoss' weight can range between 250-375 lbs. Anything over 375 usually puts you in the "ox" category. It's often difficult to drag a good match out of a hoss. Most civilized people would call a hoss a "slug," but as you know, I'm from Oklahoma and we're a little different.
Sir William Goldberg: God damn, that was fucked up.
J.R., Jr.: Shouldn't you have said "Allah?"
Sir William Goldberg: HEY! Wait, you do have a point there. I'll remember that for the next time. Anyway, what I wanted to say was that during your little tale I have decided to return to wrestling.
J.R., Jr.: Really? Fill me in. I might have a scoop here.
Sir William Goldberg: I figure I could combine talent and love. I'm a decent wrestler and I love animals, so I figure why not wrestle some animals on pay-per-view with all the proceeds going to charity. J.R., Jr.: The sad thing is you sound serious. And exactly what type of animals do you want to wrestle?
Sir William Goldberg: I figure I would match up well against a grizzly bear. Or maybe a hippopotamus.
J.R., Jr.: How about a Hip Hop Hippo?
Sir William Goldberg: No. I have no interest in working matches against opening match comedy jobbers. I don't do comedy.
J.R., Jr.: And speaking of not doing comedy, do you remember that feud against Chris Jericho that never blown off? Why did you refuse to work a match against the man that would 3 years later go on to become Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World?
Sir William Goldberg: I had so many people in my ear at the time... it's just when you're on top everybody wants to contribute and give me advice. Maybe some of that advice wasn't good. Jericho was into the comedy at the time and I didn't want to be associated with that at all. That wasn't the Goldberg character was about. That mini Goldberg made me sick. I was so disgusted I wanted to spear a train. I didn't think my character was comedic at all. I'll say it again. I DON'T DO COMEDY!
J.R., Jr.: Yet you did that angle with Jericho at that charity hockey game a couple weeks ago. I heard you kissed his ass too.
Sir William Goldberg: I didn't kiss his ass, but I congratulated him on all the success he's enjoying right now. He told me I was the luckiest man in the world since I'm still under contract to AOL.
J.R., Jr.: Has you opinion on Scott Hall changed in the last 2 years?
Sir William Goldberg: No. Scott Hall is the terminal cancer of the wrestling business. He doesn't give a damn about the business. He doesn't give back to charities. He doesn't visit kids in the hospital. He's a punk and just the thought of him makes me sick.
J.R., Jr.: A lot of fans on the net are just smartass kids, and back in the day most of these smartasses made comments that you only knew two high impact moves (spear and jackhammer). Any thoughts on this.
Sir William Goldberg: After my first match on Nitro, Dean Malenko chastised me for using the jackhammer. Ever since then I've been a little leery about using anybody's trademark moves. I don't want to cost anybody a living or anything.
J.R., Jr.: Quit feeding me lines of crap. Cost somebody a living? Every hoss throughout the country uses the powerbomb and chokeslam. Or how about a Memphis piledriver? You're not going to cost anybody a living by doing using other people's wrestling moves. That's ridiculous.
Sir William Goldberg: That's just how I interpreted things.
J.R., Jr.: Sir William, you may be a hoss, but you're not a smart hoss.
Sir William Goldberg: Junior, I have another name change on my mind.
J.R., Jr.: Good lord.
Sir William Goldberg: From now on, 'til the day I die, I will be known as "Sir William Goldberg (pause) Esquire."
J.R., Jr.: You're crazier than a pet coon.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: I think that would look good on a T-shirt.
J.R., Jr.: And this conversation has just hit a new low. Let's cut to the big finish. I want my readers to get the know the real... uh, Sir William Goldberg... Esquire. What's your 3 favorite 80s hair bands of all-time?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Motley Crue, Poison, and Metallica. How cool is that?
J.R., Jr.: Nothing says "cool" like Poison. How about reading material?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Sports Illustrated, ESPN The Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, and Hustler.
J.R., Jr.: Who would you have sexual relations with: Whoopi Goldberg or the woman who FINALLY came out of the closet, Rosie O'Donnell?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Well, I'd get loaded up on vodka and take my my chances with Whoopi. She does share the same last name with me. Rosie is a pig. Oink, oink.
J.R., Jr.: ...
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Junior, you still there?
J.R., Jr.: I'm a tad shocked, quite frankly, that you said, "oink, oink." You really are a quote machine. Also, Whoopi Goldberg isn't really Jewish.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: She isn't?
J.R., Jr.: Did you ever snap towels in the Falcons locker room?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Always.
J.R., Jr.: A reader sent this one in. If you chose to have sexual relations with an ani...
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: (interrupting) A cheetah. Quit throwing me softballs.
J.R., Jr.: Allow me to finish, Mr. Feisty. If you chose to have sexual relations with an animated character who would it be?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Minnie Mouse. I was just kidding about the cheetah.
J.R., Jr.: (dripping wet with sarcasm) Of course you were. I want you to look into the future and tell me where you see Sir William Goldberg... Esquire 5 years from now?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Lounging around the house, eating Doritos, and playing with my dogs and cats.
J.R., Jr.: In other words, the same damn things you're doing now.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: (laughs) You're damn skippy.
J.R., Jr.: OK, it's time for the name association crap my old man does. I give you a name and you say the first thing that comes to mind. It's pretty easy.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Shoot away, brother!
J.R., Jr.: Kevin Nash.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Should run for President. 'Cause he's a politician.
J.R., Jr.: I guess that was supposed to be a joke.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: It's the truth though.
J.R., Jr.: Hulk Hogan.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Legend. Made "Goldberg" a household name.
J.R., Jr.: Ric Flair.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Great wrestler. Great guy. Family friend for over 30 years.
J.R., Jr.: Sting and Lex Luger.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Are they a couple or something? They always talked to me about giving the business a try.
J.R., Jr.: I was hoping you would say the latter, but the you make a point with the former. On television their friendship did seem kind of strange. Very Billy & Chuck-like only with a hundred break-ups. Anyway, what's your opinion of Vince McMahon?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Scumbag.
J.R., Jr.: Stephanie McMahon.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Looks like her dad. Talks like her dad. Like father, like... daughter?
J.R., Jr.: Diamond Dallas Page.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Actually 75 years old. Thinks he's the one who got me interested in the business. I think he might have been drunk that night.
J.R., Jr.: Jim Ross.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: Reminds me every time I talk to him that he once officiated some of my high school football games. Who cares? Get a fucking life, man.
J.R., Jr.: That's usually what I say. What do you think about J.R., Jr.'s special steak sauce?
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: It's better than breast milk.
J.R., Jr.: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: You alright?
J.R., Jr.: I'm OK. I always cream my pants anytime my steak sauce gets put over.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: That's whack.
J.R., Jr.: I know it is. Final question. If you had one thing to say to Triple H...
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: (interrupting) YOU'RE NEXT!
J.R., Jr.: Thanks for nothing, Bill.
Sir William Goldberg... Esquire: YOU'RE NEXT!
If you made it this far, God bless you. I hope it was worth the wait.
That's my prerogative.