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Jim Ross, Jr.



March 13, 2002

America's Favorite Okie returns with a bitter column straight from under my "crisp and clean with no caffeine" North Carolina "Heels" hat.

Everybody I have spoken with was shocked that Hollywood Hulk Hogan pinned The Rock on Raw, Monday night. The Hulkster's in-ring capabilities have deteriorated since the last time he was in a Federation ring, but the fans seem not to care.

You know what Good Ol' J.R., Jr. can't stand? Soccer moms. These bitches have these butchy short haircuts and drive their goddamn mini-vans all over the place. They have to be some of the most annoying people on the fucking planet. Next time one of these bitches pulls out in front of me, I'm hitting her at full speed.

Kevin Nash's lack of mobility is the biggest liability he has. Nash has had a baker's dozen of knee surgeries over the years and in turn has made him a little sluggish. So, what do you do to humiliate the former Diesel? That's right, you book him in skits in which he has to run. Apparently, Vince hasn't forgotten Nash's portrayal of him from a couple years ago.

Test's verbal skills may be some of the poorest on the Federation roster. His lack of personality is his biggest liability. I believe it may be best if Test enrolls in a public speaking course at a local University. Either that or he can work on his verbal skills with Jim Cornette in OVW. I would also suggest that the young hoss from Toronto should get his bucked teeth fixed.

Did anyone notice that Kevin Nash's dialogue on Raw Monday night sounded EXACTLY like a Test promo? It was uncharasmatic and dull, which is two things Big Sexy is not. Folks, I smell terrible writing. And it smells like Lucy.

The Federation is sure being overexposed this week with specials besides the regularly scheduled programming. Six of the seven days of the week this week feature Federation programming and it's oversaturating the market. There's only so much programming the common fan can bother to watch and the it's too much even for the diehard Federation fan. WWF Weakest Link 2 was a success over the first edition by leaps and bounds.

It's about time the Dudley Boyz should be able to put their outstanding verbal skills to use. Bubba and D-Von may be the most underutilized talents on the roster. There's no logical reason why these two are still one-dimensional characters.

I just heard on the radio Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" for the first time in 8 or 9 years. My God, time has not been good to that song. For all you youngsters reading, back in the day Paula Abdul was kinda like what J.Lo is now, only difference being her ass wasn't the only part that was chunky.

Not much news on the Scott Steiner front. I haven't heard the results of his physical which has been kept on the down low in Stamford. Steiner proved at that bush league promotion's pay-per-view two weeks ago that his midget tossing skills are quite impressive. And that's another thing I can't stand. Why do midgets and dwarves all of sudden want to referred to as "little people?" There's nothing derogatory about the word "midget." Just because you're a little ankle biter doesn't mean I'm going out of my way to accomdate your ego. You midgets can kiss Vince McMahon's ass.

Folks I can't add any more thought or insight that hasn't been already said to the Lucy storyline that aired on Raw. I would though love to see a vignette shot at an animal hospital that has Triple H standing over Lucy's bed and promising her a title victory at Wrestlemania. I don't know why, but I think that would be funny. It couldn't be any worse that what has already aired. My philosophy is if you're gonna kill the The Game's image you might as well go all out.

That's all for now. I hope to back with a Wrestlemania preview by Friday. And then a Wrestlemania and special steak sauce bullshit session on Monday or Tuesday.

That's my prerogative.

J.R., Jr.
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