I return after a LONG hiatus. I'll have a big opinion column on the Austin situation by the end of the week. In other words, expect it sometime next year. Anyway, I felt like reviewing King of the Ring for shits and giggles. Actually I'm not reviewing it at all. It's just a bullshit session. Nothing more and nothing less. I added star ratings because that's what the KIDZ want, like, and DEMAND!

On Heat it was the Hardy Boyzzz vs. Steven Richards and Raven. WTF? I thought Raven and Richards were feuding not that long ago? Nothing funnier than seeing Jeff Hardy, who appears to be about a buck-fifty now that he's off the gas, do backyard wrestling spots on WWF programming. It just looks so damn bush league. Raven on the other hand appears to have accepted his role in WWF (By the way, I refuse to acknowledge the name change because I don't give a shit.) as a time-filler mid-card jobber to the stars. And you can't blame Vince for not pushing the guy since his offense looks like shit. Outside of the hardcore matches, Raven really looks bad. Why not bring back Raven's rules? Or how about letting him lead a group of un-washed butt pirates like he did in WCW? Hardy Boyzzz get the win when Raven walked out. So once again, Richards and Raven will feud. File this under: "Dumb Shit That Will Lead Nowhere." 1/2*

Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam (semi-final round of King of the Ring tourney). I'm sure there's a bunch of dorks on the net bitching that this is just another sign of the man (Triple F'N H) holding Jericho down. Get over it already. Neither of these guys are afraid to work stiff and I respect that. Jericho got booted in the face numerous times tonight by Van Dam kicks. Odds are he won't bitch about it. This ain't ballet, you know. They built well and climax with some solid near-falls. Each kicked out of the other's respective finisher and it got the desired reaction. Jericho putting over Van Dam won't hurt him at all. Trust me on this. He's jobbed to inferior opponents numerous times in the past and he still remained over. I have nothing to add to this match other than it was great. It had me watching. It made me proud to be a fan. Oh yeah, besides two ref bumps, it was WRESTLING. 'Nuff said. ****

Test vs. Brock Lesnar (semi-final round of the King of the Ring tourney). Does anybody really care that these are "inter-promotional" matches? I bet my old man was creaming his drawers in excitement over this one. I'm sure his mindset was "Stud vs. hoss! Pepper my eggs and call me after breakfast!" This is intriguing to me only because Test was on the receiving end of a monster push not that long ago. It appears that there will be a change of direction for him once again. I guess that meant nobody gave a shit about his ref-abusing angle because it involved a bunch of vanilla referees and a bucked-toothed goof. I don't think Brock is ready for this push yet, just like Bill Goldberg wasn't ready for his four years ago. I'm hoping Brock doesn't let this go to his head like it did to one Sir William Goldberg... Esquire. Hot damn this was a surprisingly good match. **1/2

By the way, if anybody is pissed that I haven't gone into detail on any of these matches you can kiss my big fat Oklahoman ass. If you want details, go read that BrewGuy character. Or Ian Challis if he still writes. I have no clue. I haven't been online in 2 months.

Jamie Noble vs. Hurricane Helms (Cruiserweight title). It's nice to know Nidia has been put to good use. I'm sure this is inspiring quite a few ladies to submit tapes for any future Tough Enough auditions. I don't know whose idea it is, but from watching this match, it appears they worked the ever-so famous "WWF style" kind of match. How is this division supposed to differentiate itself from the heavyweights if they can't work the "lucha libre" style? I'm just pointing out the obvious. Hell, it made Jerry Seinfeld quite a living, didn't it? Anyway, I liked this wrestling match. I just wanted to point out that what made WCW's cruiserweight division so successful was that it was unlike everything else on the show. Rey Mysterio, Jr.'s matches drew good ratings because his matches had so many "Holy shit, did you see that?" moves. I'm hoping Rey Jr. can add that kind of flavor to this division. As it is, it's just "there." Not a bad idea in putting the new guy Noble over. ***

Ric Flair vs. Eddy Guerrero in a substitute match since Austin walked out. Who cares if the backstory for this match is as cockeyed as Perry Saturn? It's Flair vs. Eddy! Whoooo!!!! And my god, did these guys bring it with the chops. Flair was "on" tonight. The guy looks to be in better shape than he has in sometime. Yeah, he may need a bro/manzier, but who cares? Half of the guys watching the show tonight probably need the same thing. Hey, there's something they can market! God knows Vince loves to sell shirts, hats, and every other piece of shit plastered with the logo or face of a WWF "superstar" on it, so why not this? Hell, I'd buy a dozen for my old man! This match was all good until the nonsense with Benoit and Buh Buh Ray Dudley kicked in. How hard is it for Flair to do a job and still look credible? I mean, the agents and bookers actually think this out, or did they go with the easy and obvious? It was good for what it was though. ***1/4

Molly Holly vs. Trish Stratus (Women's title). OK, Molly Holly is a virgin and she has a big ass. That's her character development and gimmick. And why are we supposed to hate her? Because she hates the status quo barbie dolls running around the Federation? If anything, that makes her a babyface in my book. I hate nothing more than the fake tits and plastic smile world of Hollywood. I despise movie stars. I shun celebrities. You're fucking actors, what you do isn't going to change anybody's world. I love it how so many actors and actresses act like what they do is "art." Whatta crock. Sorry about the soapbox, but that had to be said. I will say Trish has made leaps and bounds since the beginning of the year. I tip my cap to Fit Finlay for actually training her and not just trying to cop a feel. Trish definitely has to be considered for most improved wrestler of the year. Just keep her out of the bra and panties bullshit and somebody might think of her more than a sex object. I loved how J.R. tried to put down Molly for "pulling the tights" to get the win. Whatever you say, old man. Molly grabbed Trish's ass, and that by my account is legal. **

Hulk Hogan vs. Kurt Angle (Battle of the Bald). This is how you're supposed to do the young guy vs. old guy match and make it work. Angle ran down Hogan on Smackdown, calling him a "hundred year old man" and quite a few other things that made me say, "You're right, Kurt!" Hogan's motivation is to get that rug off Angle's head. Fans want to see that. Sadly, this is one of the better angles the Fed has done in months. It won't touch that epic shampoo angle though. Going into this show the only thing I wanted to see was Angle attempt to carry Hogan's ass to a decent match. I was thinking ***, tops. Wow, I was amazed to say the least. Hogan was trying his damndest to wrestle, even throwing a vertical suplex. He even countered the anklelock a few times. I was amazed at the amount of mobility Hulk had. The finishing sequence made this match and made Kurt look like a stud. Hogan did the right thing for business and TAPPED OUT. Kudos to Hulk for being a team player when the chips are down. Of course, he's one of the reasons why the chips are down, but at least he's finally doing the right thing. Better late than never. Easily the best Hogan match in the past 8 years. This match is definitely worth watching again. ****

I think this is when the skit with Goldust, Booker T, and The Rock aired. They said nothing of importance, but damn is Goldust funny. I am all for keeping Dustin Runnels out of the ring and letting him be Booker T's sidekick. His schtick is funny. His wrestling is not.

Brock Lesnar vs. Rob Van Dam (King of the Ring final). Funniest sign during the wrestling scene of Spider-Man had to be the "File Under 'D' For Dead" sign. Well, do that for RVD because this match was nearly all Brock. About 75% of the offense was Brock from where I sat. If you're going to put a guy over strong, put him over strong. And that's just what happened here. I have no problem with this because when you think about it, there really is no other alternative right now. They gotta push new talent. Hindsight being 20/20 the smart thing would have been to keep the strap on Jericho and let him run with his living legend character instead of playing musical chairs with it. That's what you get though for not planning long-term. Long live King Brock! *1/2

Triple H vs. Undertaker (World title). I wonder how many smart marks wet their pants over that clique reunion backstage. Seriously, is that going to lead anywhere? I can't keep track of the number of times stuff like this has been done and it goes nowhere. Why even bother if you have no plans? I honestly would not care to talk about this match because I thought it was horrible to border-line embarrassing. It might be time to hang it up 'Taker. I hear you might be pregnant anyway so get out before you become any more of a self-parody. Triple H needs time off. Plain and simple. He hasn't been the same since his return and the injuries is only doing more harm than good at this point. For himself and the product. The right guy went over because this is the first pay-per-view that the title didn't change hands since No Way Out. Not even a run-in by Rocky F'N Maivia could save this DUD.

Pretty damn good show except the main event. Kinda reminds me of WCW. Hey, who said WCW was dead? Looks like the ghost is haunting WWEEEEEE!!!

Take care.

J.R., Jr.
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