Cool (kool) adj.
Kevin Nash (big sexy) n.
I don't know if any of you reading (all 2 of you) are "in the know" as I am. Rumor has it though that Kevin Nash is in talks with the WWF and could easily return in January. And he's already manipulated himself into Triple H's role as the guy who maintains the glass ceiling. He's also screwing Stephanie McMahon.
This is going to be big. But not has big as all you think it's going to be. Because Kevin Nash isn't cool anymore. The WWF has guys like RVD now. RVD is so cool he barely has to say anything other than the word COOL.
In my younger and more vulnerable years I didn't have the pleasure of a computer. So naturally I really dug "Big Daddy Cool" Diesel. Next to being a monster in the ring, he was COOL! He was also Shawn Michaels' bitch (bodyguard) which I thought was really great.
Then I got a computer. Then I got the internet. Then I became cynical, bitter, and egotistical. Now I tend to believe the following: Kevin Nash blows fucking nuts! That lazy fucking piece of shit! He fucking wrestles for the fucking money! That crippled sonuvabitch!
Phew. The internet didn't influence my opinion on Kevin Nash actually. My philosophy on wrestling is that if you're entertaining I'll watch you. You could be 8 feet tall and only have the eye poke as your one maneuver and I'd still watch you if you were entertaining though. Nash applied to that rule of thumb. It all started when he began calling himself "Big Sexy". The majority of wrestling fans are guys. I think he's a big guy, but I don't think he's sexy. This boggled my mind for a very long time. How is Kevin Nash sexy? I thought guys like Brad Pitt and Mel Gibson set the standard for good looks. Do either of them have a graying goatee? Do either of them have hair down to their waist? Do either of them weigh over 300 lbs and stand at almost 7 feet. Sounds more like a freak to me. Then I realized something.
Kevin Nash looks just like Fabio. This discovery finally made everything so clear! I then understood why there was never a backlash against Kevin Nash for the name "Big Sexy"! Wrestling fans already liked Kevin Nash, subconsciously they knew he had a striking resemblance to Fabio. Wrestling fans like Fabio as well. It's all win/win. I finally came to terms that indeed Kevin Nash could call himself "Big Sexy".
The picture above that I created should illustrate my point for any doubters. Don't mind the goatee I added to Fabio to strengthen my case. Because it's already airtight.
Kevin Nash still isn't cool though. Sure he can get away with calling himself "Big Sexy" but he's still not cool. That's when I thought. I know EXACTLY how I can once again make Nash the coolest wrestler in the business. Once again he shall be known as "Big Sexy Cool" Kevin Nash.
First the WWF would have to hire Fabio. Then on RAW Kevin Nash would be grooming his hair when he happens upon some "I can't believe it's not butter" butter. He picks it up and laughs and goes to the ring with Scott Hall. Scott Hall says something to the effect of "Hey yo! I'm running this poll. Do you all this this is butter, or can you not believe it's not butter." That's when Fabio comes out to a massive pop. Because as I've stated wrestling fans love Fabio. He introduces himself: "For those of you who don't know me. I am Fabio! Model, Author, and Spokesman for many miscellaneous products that you can find at your local grocery store." Then Kevin Nash retorts: "I am a spokesman for body massage oil and WCW monster truck video games! 2 Sweeeeeeeet!" In which Fabio will fire back: "There can only be one oiled, sexy, spokesperson in the WWF! I challenge you to a match at Wrestlemania!" Kevin Nash will then agree. Then Fabio drops the bomb "But we'll be covered in butter!" Kevin Nash goes bezerk! Swindled by a Romance Novel Author and Model! Then at Wrestlemania Kevin Nash gets the upset victory over Fabio. But as he's leaving Fabio gets the mike and drops the biggest bombshell yet! "Kevin...I am your brother! My real name is Fabio Nash!" Kevin Nash can't believe it and goes back into the ring to reunite with his brother creating a moment the likes wrestling hasn't seen since Randy Savage/Elizabeth got married.
That's not the smell of butter folks. You're smelling BUYRATES AND RATINGS! That is if the WWF wouldn't be so close-minded and just try to break away from the clichéd act they're churning (like you churn butter!) out now. Wait a second, none of the above made Kevin Nash cool! I have no idea what I'm talking about! But let's just keep that between you and me, ok? I have a fragile ego.