I was so inspired by the wonderful news of HHH and Stephanie having a baby, that I decided to write a whole special article devoted to the newest addition (potentially) of the McMahon-Helmsley Family.

By the way is the baby's last name going to be Helmsley or McMahon-Helmsley? They can name him Dudley Unger Helmsly(DUH) or Hunter Aaron Helmsley(HAH) or Arnold Aaron Helmsley(AAH) or SHUT THE HELL UP JIM!!!

Assuming that the child IS HHH's, if it takes after it's father, it is going to be one pain in the ass to feed. I mean how horrible is it going to be giving a bottle to this kid? I don't even want to think about the mess this kid is going to make if he's breast fed.( get it? HHH spits his water out....ah forget it).

Speaking of parenting, I was thinking about how awkward it must be to pick up one of Ol' Stone Cold's daughters for a date(if he has daughters). Wait a minute.. Why don't we imagine... TOGETHER:

(The scene opens at the Austin Residence. A young man, let's call him John, approaches the front door. Inside are Stone Cold Steve Austin and Debra. John knocks. )

Stone Cold: [Answering the door] What?

John: [Nervously] Uhh... hello Mr. Austin, I'm here to pick up your daughter for our date tonight...

SC: What?

John: [even more nervously] Umm.. I said I'm here to pick up..

SC: WHAT?

J: I'm

SC: What? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

Debra: Steve? Is that the date? You leave him alone!!Come on in honey, never mind Steve, he does that to everyone. Sit down!! Make yourself comfortable.. would you like a cookie while you wait? I just baked them.

J: Sure! Thank you!

SC: How bout a Stevewizer to wash that down, son?

J: Sure, that sounds good..

SC: EHH-EHH!!! That ain't gonna happen tonight!!

J: What?

SC: What?

J: ...

SC: You're drivin' tonight, aren't you son?

J: Yes, Sir

SC: My daughter gonna be in the same car as you?

J: Of course!

SC: What?

J: Of course!

SC: You tellin'me you plan on drivin' my daughter around drunk?

J: I was only going to have one beer..

SC: Shaddup! Look at ya! With your mealy mouth little attitude!! I don't give a rats ass what you do in your spare time WHAT? I said I don't give a rats ass about ya!! You don't drive my daughter around drunk, Son or ol' Stone Cold's gonna open up a can of whoopass..

D: STEVE!! Stop picking on.. what's your name, honey?

J: [flustered] J-John.

D: John. Don't pick on him!! He's nervous enough!! Here you go dear, have a cookie!

SC: Ahhh hell, I'm gonna go grab me another beer.

[Austin walks off]

D: Now, don't you worry about him, he does that to all our daughter's dates. He's very over protective.. Now what do you do for a living John?

SC: [From the kitchen] DEBRA!! Where the hell is all the beer??!!

D: *sigh* I'll be right there! Go ahead and eat your cookie, honey... they're my famous recipe!

[Debra walks off. John takes a bite out of the cookie, and almost immediately spits it back out into his hand. Nervously, he stuffs both the cookie and chewed up bits in his pockets. Steve walks back out with a beer in one hand and a tape player in the other.]

SC: Alright, son.. So you're going out with my daughter tonight..

J: Yes sir.

SC: You're gonna be a gentleman [Presses play on the tape player]

TP: [A recording of an arena crowd] WHAT?

SC: You're going wining.

TP: WHAT?

SC: Dining.

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna take her to a nice restaurant.

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna tuck her in her chair.

TP: WHAT?

SC: Then you're gonna order.

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna have breadsticks.

TP: WHAT?

SC: Salad

TP: WHAT?

SC: Wine

TP: WHAT?

SC: one glass

TP: WHAT?

SC: Your little entr=E9e.

TP: WHAT?

SC: Dessert

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna pick up the tab.

TP: WHAT?

SC: Tell her how pretty she looks.

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna take her to the movies

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna buy some popcorn

TP: WHAT?

SC: extra butter!

TP: WHAT?

SC: I said extra butter!

TP: WHAT?

SC: Large soda

TP: WHAT?

SC: Box o' Junior Mints

TP: WHAT?

SC: Whoppers

TP: WHAT?

SC: Sour Patch Kids

TP: WHAT?

SC: Juju Fruits

TP: WHAT?

SC: Then you're gonna take her home

TP: WHAT?

SC: I said she's coming home!

TP: WHAT?

SC: At 12!

TP: WHAT?

SC: Not at 2

TP: WHAT?

SC: Not at 1

TP: WHAT?

SC: Not at 12:30

TP: WHAT?

SC: 12!

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna say goodnight!

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're gonna wanna kiss her.

TP: WHAT?

SC: You can kiss her on the hand!

TP: WHAT?

SC: On the cheek!

TP: WHAT?

SC: maybe even on the lips!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No Tounge

TP: WHAT?

SC: I said no tounge!!

TP: WHAT?

SC: Then you're gonna watch her get in the house

TP: WHAT?

SC: Then you're gonna go home.

TP: WHAT?

SC: No baseball tonight son.

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're not making it to first base!

TP: WHAT?

SC: second base!

TP: WHAT?

SC: 3rd base!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No roundin' Third headin' for home!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No home runs tonight!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No long ball!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No deep drives!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No solo shots!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No grand slams!

TP: WHAT?

SC: You're not Mark Maguire

TP: WHAT?

SC:Sammy Sosa

TP: WHAT?

SC: Barry Bonds

TP: WHAT?

SC: No on base percentage!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No slugging percentage!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No steals

TP: WHAT?

SC: No walks!

TP: WHAT?

SC: No NOTHIN' [Shuts off the tape player] 'cause if you Try to round the bases, ol' Stone Cold will be waitin' in the dugout with a whole cooler of whoopass and THAT'S THE BOTTOM LIIIIIINE CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!!!

J: Right.... I just remembered.. I left my keys in the car.. I'll be right back..

[John walks out of the house, into the car and peels out, leaving tire tracks in the street]

Daughter: Daddy!! Did my date get here yet?

SC: What?!?

And if that wasn't fun enough.. Here are the Sports Entertainment Do's and Don'ts of Raising Children.

I don't care how good of a wrestler you are, your son DOES NOT deserve a world title push at 20.

It is acceptable to deny relationship to your biological son IF AND ONLY IF you are dating a woman younger than him.

DO NOT, under any circumstance, let your son use a cattle prod.

DON'T BE AFRAID to take your kids into your basement and stretch the living poop out of them, at least 1/3 of them will forgive you for it, and really how many loving children do you really need?

If you run your own business at home, say, a funeral parlor.. DO NOT leave your wife home alone with your apprentice, even if he's morbidly obese.

DO fireproof said home business.

DO NOT let Raven baby-sit your son.

REFRAIN from putting your son or daughter through a table until they are at least 16.

DO NOT bring your children into wrestling while you are still an active wrestler. They will always turn on you. Unless your breasts are bigger than your wife's then you are safe.

THERE ARE BETTER WAYS to gain revenge on your mortal enemies than to have your only daughter kidnapped by an undead demi-god and his ministry of vampires, acolytes, zombie-slaves, and fat black guys.Believe me, it will come back to haunt you.

IF YOU OWN A PROMOTION, it's quite possible that on Sunday your son will turn on you, on Monday your daughter will turn on you, on Thursday your son will re-join you, on Saturday your daughter will re-side with you, on the following Sunday Your daughter and son will beat up your wife. Repeat.

The BEST WAY to settle your family differences is LIVE ON PPV!!!