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| Guest Columns | Jim Saccaro |
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THE UN-AMERICANS SUCK The Un-Americans suck. The only way to describe them is to say that they suck. Try it. You're not saying it to get under their skin like when you say "Rocky Sucks". You're saying it because it's true. Right now, the Un-Americans can be replaced by Terrance and Phillip as tag team champions and Brian Adams (the singer not the wrestler) and they'd be just as intimidating. The Un-Americans are good in concept, but everything about them, from start to finish, is just terrible. For starters, their name sounds like it was made up by a writer who forgot to think of a name for his homework. Steph: Ok.. next on the agenda.. Brian, you said you were going to come up with a name for the new anti-American stable. What do you have? Brian: (Hung over from drinking all night) Uhhh.. research indicates that uhhhh... the Un-Americans would be a good name.. Steph: The Un Americans. Brian: Yes Ma'am. Steph: The Un-Americans! That's your name for them? The UN-AMERICANS!?!?! Why don't we just call them the "3 guys and an upside down fucking flag!?!?!" Brian: Yeah, that's what I meant. Steph: OH, JUST FORGET IT!!! The show starts in 30 seconds. Un-Americans it is. We need to meet a few days before the show from now on. Now does anyone have the roll of toilet paper we wrote Bischoff's promo on? The name sucks. The matches suck. The feud sucks. The character motivation sucks. They are Canadian. It's a given fact that Canadians hate Americans. Why not just call them the Canadians. Its exactly the same meaning as Un-Americans, but shorter. Besides what the hell does Un-Americans mean, exactly? What exactly is an Un-American? "Someone who hates Americans.", you might say. No, I might say, that would make them Anti-Americans. Un-Americans would be anyone not from America. If Kane is undead, that doesn't mean that he hates the dead. His brother and parents were in the funeral business. That wouldn't make sense. Everyone from the rest of the world is Un-American. Do they want a cookie? They are also Un-English, Un-French and Un-Japanese too. They can really narrow it down by coming to the ring in a flowing robe listing all the thousands of countries they don't hail from. Of course, this is unless they are just Un-American, and have citizenships in over 3 thousand other countries. They also haven't won a match since they formed. Oh yeah Test gave 76 year old Sgt Slaughter a big boot from behind. And they almost burned the flag once until Kane came down and beat all three of them up by himself. Oh, and an upside down flag is a brilliant idea. I know I'm always intimidated by opponents who are waving a distress signal before the match even begins. They even wear shirts with distress signals on them. I guess they want medical attention as soon as humanly possible. They only thing less intimidating for them to do is to come down to the ring with a white flag and shirts that read "please don't hurt us... please". The WWE really dropped the ball on this one. They could have built these guys up. Kane could have turned his back on the country that treated him like freak all his life and gave the UA's some muscle. Kane can do anything and be forgiven since they can just say he did it because he is retarded. Then he can say that "freaks are cool and America is cool, too" in a month when they decide to change directions again and turn him babyface.... Again. Big Show can then be added as a mercenary, saying "It's just business" and "if you saw the money that these guys were offering you'd all have done the same thing!" Then they could take out all opposition for a few weeks using sneak attacks until the only guys left to defend the country (heels and other lower carders not counting) are Sgt Slaughter, Ric Flair, and Jerry Lawler. The three of them get into a match with the 5 Un-Americans and right before the bell rings "Real American" comes on, and Hulk Hogan makes a special appearance on Raw to stand up for the USA. Of course, the old guys can't hold their own and get overcome. The Un-Americans are about to do something horrendous to the fallen heroes or their flag when RVD's music hits. He challenges the Un-Americans with his special team later in the evening. For the main event RVD brings out an injured Booker T, Edge (even though he's not American, he is anti-Un-American ), and a newly face turned Kurt Angle. The match goes on until the 5 on 4 numbers take over. Suddenly, a mystery face appears. Now if they have no-one lined up, Undertaker can take Angle's spot and Angle can be the 5th Mystery Face. If not him, they can use Rock, Steiner, Goldberg, Austin or whoever they can get their hands on. Any of those guys would blow the roof off, and they could clear house as the old guys (Hogan, Slaughter etc) pass the torch to the new patriots (Angle, RVD, Mystery face). Now I know the big mystery faces are stretches, but even Angle in that role would blow the roof off of the joint since he is already the freakin man. Either way, wouldn't a big blow off match like that be a bigger satisfaction than seeing Terrance and Phillip getting their asses handed to them night after night and Test almost doing something to the flag but instead missing the big boot and getting HIS ass handed to him as well? Of course it would. In closing, I'd like to say they are on the right track incorporating another nationality and a wrestler with more credibility into the Un-Americans in the form of Steven Regal. This benefits him also, since he can wear a shirt to the ring now to hide his expanding mid section. However, this is an angle custom built to blow off this month, on the anniversary of 9/11. After that, this angle might as well be Test and the Un-Americans steal Christmas. Jim [slash] wrestling Mail the Author Comment about this article in Wienerville |
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