DINTY MOORE BEEF-STEW
The original title of this "mutha" was going to be "urban legends" but because of both an inspirational e-mail and a slight change in content, I decided to go with the above title for today.
Shout out time:
Thank you Justin for your great e-mails. Justin not only was kind enough to compliment me in one e-mail.. but he went for the cycle the next e-mail and cussed me out!!! Thanks, dude. Seriously.
Thank you Chip, for making a somewhat downer of a day a whole lot brighter with your kind words. Thanks a million.
Thanks to thecubsfan for your critique. It really gave me some ideas as to how to improve my writing. (I thought the Regal turn was well done because it entertained the hell out of me, that's all.)
Thank you top rope.com webmaster for the nude photo of Lita. I don't care if it's a fake or not, my "libido" didn't know the difference.
Onto the Non-Wrestling related crap:
On an IMPORTANT NOTE: PLEASE check you mail and packages before opening them!! DO NOT open anything suspicious, tampered with, from a return address you don't know, or without a return address!! Terrorists (allegedly) are sending Anthrax in the mail. Immediately report ANY white powdery substances you find and any suspicious mail or packages you see. I'm kinda upset today because 2 people I know were involved in a scare today. One received a REALLY suspicious letter (which she will hand in to authorities tomorrow) and another (one of my all-time best friends) had a scare at work, but tested negative. Thank God. I don't want to cause a panic, just giving you all a heads up.
Hey, CRZ... sorry to hear about Webber, man. He'll be OK by the playoffs at least, and the Kings are deep enough to get themselves there without him.
LETS GO YANKEES!!(clap clap clapclapclap). What did I tell you? That's one down 2 to go!!!!
Remind me to write a column about how the old WCCW "Devastation Incorporated" angle would work brilliantly with the whole Invasion deal they have going in the WWF/WCW/ECW.
What a surprise, Camby is injured.
OBLIGATORY WEEKLY CALL OUT: Rick AKA JockKid, if you are reading this drop me an e-mail ASAP.
Ok: On with the show...
With the Anthrax crap going on, I decided to ad this little bit to the column. I hope it's funny, if not I'm sorry. It made me feel better to write it. I don't know specifics about what's going on or the names of the Afghanistan leaders, so I'm sorry for any inaccuracies.
The scene takes place in the Oval Office. President Bush is on the telephone with the Taliban.
Bush: Ok, Taliban. We've been bombing your country for weeks now. Aside from giving your army more stones to throw at the rebel forces, we have destroyed any chances you have for mounting a defense against us. Your Army is also losing it's hold against the Rebels. We DEMAND that you hand over Bin Laden NOW or we will be forced to take drastic measures.
Taliban: You have already destroyed our country!! What more can you do? If you stop bombing us we'll see what we can do.
Bush: No dice, bitch!! Hand over Bin Laden or else!!
Taliban: Or else what? I am calling your bluff!! If you launch nuclear weapons against us, the whole world will be against YOU instead of us. Hit us with you best shot, Bush!
(Suddenly, "No Chance in Hell" fires up over the President's intercom)
Bush: Then I have no choice to introduce you to the head of my new "Terrorist Retrieval Administration", Mr. Vince McMahon.
VKM: Thank you Mr. President. Well, Taliban.. I promise you, no, I GUARANTEE that you will hand over Bin Laden in this very office tonight. In fact, I brought along my staff to help me out.
(one by one The Rock, Stone Cold, Y2J, Kurt Angle, The Big Show, The Undertaker, Booker T, and somehow "the One" Billy Gunn enter the room)
VKM: Well, boys what do you have to say to the Taliban?
Stone Cold: Listen here, What? I said listen here. Look at me!
Taliban: We can't see you, stupid American!! We are on the phone!
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE ON THE PHONE JABRONIE!!!
Stone Cold: My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin WHAT? I said my name is Stone Cold!! Listen here, son..
Taliban: Don't call me son, I am not your son.. We are children only of Allah.
Rock: Well, listen here Jabronie.. why don't you take Allah, shine him up real nice, turn that sum bitch sideways AND SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!!!
Taliban: Not only was that racist, but that made no sense what so ever.
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT MADE SENSE!!!
Y2J: Let me, try guys. Listen here Jerky, if you don't hand over Jim Layden right now, me and all my Jerichoholics will give you a Y2J beating that you will never E-E-EVER forget again!! And just like that slut Stephanie McMahon Helmsley, you will be laid on you back for weeks on end!! With a penis in all 3 ...
Taliban: What the hell is this guy talking about? Besides, his name is Bin...
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS!!!
Taliban: Can you stop that!!!??!
Rock: Can you smell what the Rock is cooking, jabronie?
Taliban: Listen, we've had just about enough of....
Big Show: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Kurt Angle: You see, I am in the zone!!! I will snap!!! I will make you tap!!! It's TRUE!!! It's Mean by God Gene True!! Whoooo!!
VKM: (on the cell phone to Pat Patterson) Ixnay on the old Tapays with Angleay.
Undertaker: Boy, when you crashed those planes into the World Trade Center, you crashed them into MY YARD! I'm fixin' to tie you to the learnin' tree and make you... uh learn not to crash planes into buildings.
Taliban: Bush, is this how you handle all foreign policy? It's been 15 minutes already, and we haven't had ONE MATCH!!
Booker T: Well let me AX you sumthin' sucka! You're lookin' at da 5 time WCW champion, now CAN YOU DIG THAT SUCKAAAAA!!
VKM: Umm.. I think he's had enough for now Booker... um, let's let Billy talk.
(A collective groan is heard on both ends of the phone as they hand the mike over to Billy. However, it pierces a hole in him, causing him to deflate and fly around the room)
VKM: Who brought the Blow up Billy?
Angle: Sorry, Vince. He couldn't make it, and we figured no one would notice.
(suddenly Michael Cole jumps in the room)
Cole: HAND BIN LADEN OVER NOW BITCH!!!!
(both parties explode with laughter as Michael Cole exits the room with his head down)
Y2J: Mitchel Cole, would you please SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Bush: (Wiping away a tear) whew.. Well, Taliban.. what do you think? Are you ready to hand over Bin-Laden?
Taliban: Boring us will not accomplish your goals, Bush.
Bush: Then you leave me no choice.. tell 'em Vince.
VKM: Ok, since we now control your airwaves, I have a very special PPV in store for your people. It's called the TaliBarn Burner!!
For starter's you will be treated to a strip 'till your nude EVENING GOWN MATCH!!
VKM: Between Pat Patterson and MAY YOUNG!!!
VKM: And how about the first ever LINCOLN-DOUGLAS DEBATE, Shot from the head up, between Trish Stratus and my daughter Stephanie McMahon-Helmsely.
Taliban: Oh, Allah.. please no..
VKM: Oh and there's more.. How 'bout the first ever steel cage fatal 4 way match between Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, Rowdy Roddy Piper and...
Taliban: What could be worse than those three?? Ed Leslie?
VKM: NO! THE IRON SHIEK!!!! And since I OWN WRESTLING, there is lots more where that came from!!! Kevin Nash vs. Rick Steiner!!! Abdulah the Butcher vs. Headhunter #1, KING OF THE ROAD II Oh it wont stop, it won't EVER STOP until we get Bin-Laden in this very ring so he can get the The Stink Face from Rikishi and maybe be executed by Bush.
Taliban: Ok, it's over!! You win!!
WWF Wrestlers: YAY!!
The Crappy Ending Fairy: YAY!!
Sorry if that was too long. I hope it somewhat entertained some of you at least...
Quick Raw Thoughts
Out like a llama.