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Jim Saccaro




Well, I just finished a 59 page Marketing report!!! Let's see, just 1 3 page report, one 2 pager and maybe 10 pages worth of statistics calculations, then I can head into finals week with a clear head.

The Knicks are now without Jeff Van Gundy?!?! My God, what a story!! Jeff was a brilliant coach, but some say he lacked the motivating and offensive mindset to really bring home the gold. Make no mistake about it, he is one of the best if not THE best coach in the league today, at least from an X and O standpoint. Now the Knicks need to upgrade the ol' front court. Maybe they can make a trade with Golden State, who is having problems of their own. GS has a shortage of back court depth and a surplus of big men, and the Knicks have a shortage of big men and a surplus of guards, so maybe we can trade Howard Eisley for Marc Jackson? Both men are underachieving, and maybe a different place would aid them. I'd say go for Danny Fortson or Antwan Jamison, but the Knicks front office isn't terribly good at things like that right now.

I am going to ask for one thing for Christmas, and that's the "Charlton Heston" reads the bible video series!!!! They should have a whole "Charlton Heston reads "line!! Hell, I'd buy "Charlton Heston Reads The Windows XP operating manual". In the infomercial, it looks like he acts out all the parts, so watching Heston act a confrontational scene against himself is going to be sweet!! He's got to find a way to work in "YOU ANIMALS!!! YOU BLEW IT UP!!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!" into something... maybe when..... that guy in the bible blew up.... that thing.... Yeah!!! You know, that part between Adam and Eve and all that mark of the beast stuff. Maybe the walls of Jericho.. (wrestling Tie in)!!!

Thanks to everyone who e-mailed me with feedback over the last column. I am sorry, but I have not been good with e-mails lately, since I seem to delete them quite regularly without thinking and since I have been a walking zombie for the past few weeks (months?) but thanks, and the best answer to the trivia was Freddie Blassie with Pencil Necked Geeks and The Crusher with "Turkey Necks".


Let me apologize. I haven't written a column in over 2 weeks. I also promised an Urban Legends. I don't have one. There are several reasons for this. One is the fact that the few days where I said things were slowing down was just the calm before the storm. I have been swamped with work the likes of which I have never seen!! Well, I have seen work like this before, just not in a situation like this. Second are the nagging personal problems I have been experiencing. I really wouldn't call them "problems" per se, but they are kinda like annoying little things that slow ya down but don't really get in the way. Think of having a rock in your shoe. It slows ya down cause you can't put as much weight on the rock infested shoe, and it's annoying as hell, but if you're headed somewhere you usually wait until you get there before you take your shoe off andremove the rock. See? No? Oh well, I tried. Third reason, is the fact that I have had this tremendous writers block lately. I have so much shit floating around in my head that they clogged the passage way from storage into conscious thought. As a result only basic instincts (my BIOS if you would) could function for a while. After that I was in Safe Mode while I defragged my brain. Also, I'll be honest with you, I did a few pages on it, and the tone is INCREDIBLY negative. I don't like Hall and Nash... Holy shit I'll be right back!!! Ok I'm back. I just wrote some more Hall and Nash stuff. Anyways, It is harder for me to do an overwhelmingly negative piece on subject matter that I dislike, unless I can be completely opinionated and inaccurate. Well, I am trying to do this as objectively as humanly possible and it is TAKING FOREVER!! Soon I'll have free time and actual quiet time, and it'll get done. Which segway's into reason 4 why I am not done with Urban Legends. I am in a FRESHMAN COLLEGE DORM!! Yeah, I'm 23, clawed my way back into school, brought my GPA up to the point where I can get accepted into a major institution, a "private University" if you would, worked my ass off to save enough money to afford this crap(I am paying 100% of the way, with the help of some nice sized student loans) and I am rewarded by being crammed into a 2 person room with 2 other people!! That's right, there are 3 of us in a 2 person room!! To top it off, I am with all freshmen. My roommates are cool, but it's such a HUGE age gap. Get this, _'s of my suite never heard of Skeletor, _ never heard of He-man. All of them never saw 1 episode of Masters of the Universe, Voltron, OR ThunderCats!!! Talk about a culture gap!! At least they're into "old school " bands like Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains (some of them) sigh... Anyways, they like to stay in the room a lot and talk to me (for some unknown reason. I try being as grumpy as possible at all times). So every time I go to sit down and write, I get side tracked. Right now one roommate is sleeping and the other is smoking *cigarettes* so I have a few minutes of peace (maybe up to an hour?) so I want to write about something that flows off the finger tips.


Ok, So before I get to the meat of this column let me just say that I have more than a couple of VERY cool ideas that I think are going to come off very well, and be very entertaining. I of course have a Christmas special column, and a New Year's column. I'll try a year in review one, but It might have to be a little weird I also have a special column that may or may not get to the site. It would have to be AWESOME (hehe that was an inside joke between me and you CRZ hehe.. you van erase this is you want when you format it. Actually I'd prefer it if you did. I'm talking about the stuff in parentheses, BTW.) (What the HELL are you talking about, man? ;-) - CRZ) for me to get it on, otherwise I won't bother. Plus Urban Legends II should be up by next week sometime, probably after finals.

Well, This column is going to be pretty mixed. Firstly, I want to say how thrilled I am with the creative direction the WWF has been taking with a lot of angles lately. This especially goes for Jericho's turn and title victory. I think the WWF right now is throwing stuff at the wall, pushing the envelope and generally taking the public's pulse. For a while it seemed like they were trying to tell us what would be over instead of asking us. Now they look like they are trying to test the water's a little, seeing what they can and can't get away with, and gradually tweaking the product to fit the audience's appetites.

I am a big fan of the Test immunity thing, and I feel they have a real opportunity to build this guy up huge here. Here's a big monster that is doing whatever he wants. The catch is that he can do whatever he wants not because he doesn't care about the rules or because no one can stop him, but because he's untouchable. It can make for some interesting booking and character development. They can kind of give him a Shane O Mac attitude where he is sliver spoon arrogant and a bad ass because he knows he can get away with whatever he does because he's un-fireable. Think about it, how would YOU act at your job if you knew you couldn't be fired for a year? How would you act in society if you knew you couldn't be arrested for a year and you were 6'6 and 280 or so? You'd do whatever you wanted and take whatever you wanted. If anybody got in your way, you boot them in the face and there was nothing anyone could do.

It also reeealy like the Hardy's/Lita saga. There is something for everyone there, and Matt is REALLY entertaining the hell out of me with that whole "obsessed with winning, my loved ones are jealous and trying to keep me down, hell, they are working together" attitude. I used to feel like Matt does when I was just a lad in my adolescent 17 +18's as I was getting ready to enter the "real" world or at least go to college. I think most adults can relate to Matt's scenario. At the time we didn't realize that the ones who cared about us we're trying to help or trying to be supportive, but they we're. Remember how every little mistake your parents made seemed like a masterfully planned disaster? It was like they dropped an Atomic Bomb on you if you couldn't stay out past 1 because they didn't like your friends. That's how Matt is with Jeff and Lita. Jeff missed the Swanton because he was an egotist and wanted to hog the glory, not because he innocently wanted to entertain the crowd. Lita is siding with Jeff and double teaming Matt behind his back, not trying to prevent Matt from making a mistake. Also, didn't you just dig the hell out of Matt's demeanor after he pinned Lita on RAW? No remorse, no satisfaction, just leaving in a pissed of yet smug "take THAT" huff with a HUGE scowl!! Absolutely brilliant character work.!! Matt is going to be a HUGE star. Mark my words. He's going to make a really great heel.

It seems I really like everything in the WWF lately, except those things involving Vince McMahon. Vince, here's a word of advice: in 1998 it was necessary for you to be in the storylines because you had a paper thin roster at the time and people wanted to see you get physically involved because it was FRESH and NEW. Now you have the deepest roster of talent in wrestling history. You are not needed on TV anymore. Anything you do, even if you switch the Austin role to Rock or Angle or whoever, is still going to be Austin-McMahon. There is nothing new you can do in this storyline. End it and let the wrestlers perform and provide the antagonism. That's what the fans want. That's the next step in the evolution of the WWF. Do it soon, before the fans lose hope.

Back to Jericho, I hope he holds on to the titles until Wrestlemania. He can lose them between now and them, but I feel it would be most entertaining if he walked into WM as champ. This is mainly because I don't want to see Rock-Austin III. Not only would it be the first time in WM history that a WM was headlined by the same ME for 2 consecutive years (Hogan- Andre is a severe technicality), but it would be their 3rd WM main event altogether. That's sad. Besides, no one wants to see Austin lose at WM, let alone to the Rock. Here's how it can go down so Jericho walks in champ, and we avoid Rock-Austin II(III)(87,676?):

On RAW next week, Rock faces Jericho in a no DQ must be a winner gimmick match. Rock pulls it out of his ass and wins the title. After the match, Jericho lays out and attacks him in such a way that Rock is injured badly and is out of action for a while. If Rock has to film that rumored movie he can do it here. They will dust off the 30 day title defense rule and say that since the Rock will be unable to defend the title for 30 days, he will be stripped and the winner of the Royal Rumble will be declared the new champion. Flair of course will say that since he did it in 92, it can happen in '02. Jericho will say something about eclipsing Flair's performance and Flair will give him the chance by declaring Jericho automatically #1!! Jericho will of course be livid, and will enter the rumble at #1. Jericho will cheat like hell to make it to the final 2, but he will have been in there the whole time so as to get him over, and he'll wind up with Austin in the finish. Austin and Jericho will battle it out.. Austin will hit the stunner, when Motorhead fires up and "the Game" makes his way down the isle to exact revenge on Austin by distracting him so that Jericho can sneak up and dump Austin. Jericho will leave with the straps and HHH will bloody Austin as the show fades out. Austin and HHH will resume their red hot feud, Rock will make a dramatic return and kick Jericho's ass to earn a WM title match. So you have a double main event for the first time in 9 years (WM9-Hogan/Beefcake vs money inc. and Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna) in Rock-Jericho for the World title and Austin-HHH grudge match(hell in a cell?) and the WM undercard will have a Flair-McMahon match for full ownership of the WWF. Vince will win by some miracle(cheating and a run in), and take a hiatus from being on-screen with the WWF.

This would draw huge money (I would buy it at least) and I think it would rescue the WWF from the doldrums of another ordinary WM main event. This will also help the WWF in the future, cause once you main event a Wrestlemania, the fans will always take to you as a main event draw. How do you think Sid got such pushes wherever he went? Save Rock-Austin for when Austin is ready to pass the torch and retire.

Finally, since we're talking about Rock sequels, did you see Rock-Dudley's 7,4847,387? You see he's only wrestled the Dudley's 684 times since they've had Stacy "Look at those legs, King" Keibler in their corner. That's not even the number of new theme songs the Rock has had since '96!! ITS STILL FRESH, BABY!! Anyways, I don't see how a tag team can be called the Greatest Tag Team Ever if they can't beat one man by themselves. I mean, even if that man is the Rock, The Greatest Tag Team Ever should be able to handle him. With that in mind, let's look at some of the other great teams in history, and how they would fare against the Rock in today's WWF.

Rock and Roll Express
Let's see, somehow Ricky Morton would wind up being the face in peril, hot tag Gibson who would probably run right into a Rock Bottom and Morton would get pinned by a transition move like the Samoan Drop.

Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson
Vince would probably book this as a comedy match with Arn and Tully bumbling about like goofballs. He'd probably also book it as a "loser must wrestle in a dress match". Arn and Tully would get the upper hand momentarily, but miscommunicate and fall victim to a Rock Bottom, get pinned and be forced to wrestle in a dress and call themselves the Horsewomen.

Midnight Express
Total Rock squash. After the match, Vince would "rib" Cornette buy booking him to be busted open by the Rock, stuffed inside a chicken suit, and have him declare the Midnight Express re-named the Red Roosters.

Road Warriors
This would be the KILLER Road Warriors, who terrorized the AWA and NWA, not the LOD 2000 of the WWF. That incarnation would have gotten beaten pretty handily after a drunk Hawk inadvertently nailed Animal with a flying clothesline to start the match, and then stumbled into a Rock Bottom for the humiliating defeat. No, Vince would attempt to humiliate this LOD, the most dominant LOD, in a different way. If you couldn't tell from the above matches, Vince would do anything to prove that the WWF is #1 and all others are minor leaguers. However, he's not stupid. He would have this match be mostly LOD but Rock would come back and be on the brink of victory when the LOD would DQ themselves by attacking the Rock with a spike from their shoulder pads.

Butch would lick Rock and get immediately Rock bottomed and pinned while Luke was still outside doing the Bushwhacker walk.

Vince would have to prove that the Demolition are superior to LOD so he would have the Demos go over the Rock. The Rock would have Ax down and Smash would get the spinebuster. Rock would go for the peoples elbow, but Mr. Fuji would try to trip up the Rock. After Rock attacks Mr. Fuji he would use his cane on an approaching Smash and lose by DQ.

Of course Marty would be the bitch here and lose to Rock clean.

Hart Foundation
Like you don't know the way this would go? After 10 or so minutes of action, Anvil would hold Rock open while Bret goes off the ropes for a forearm, but of course Rock would move and Bret would send Anvil over the top rope with the impact, and turn right into a spinebuster. Rock would then lock in the Sharpshooter and the time keeper would immediately ring the "fucking bell". Another dubious loss for the Hitman.

Well, that's all, folks. Be back soon with Urban Legends II. Before I go here's some:

Useless Trivia I have no answer To:
This one is easier than last weeks. The question is:
Which is a cooler catch phrase: Austin's "What?" or Farooq's "Damn!"?

Until Next time,
Out like a (Christmas) light.

[slash] wrestling

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