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Sam the Philosopher




Until then, make mine Netcop! Oh wait, that goes at the end of the column. I've got it. And speaking of get it, if you don't 'get it' by now, I'm Sam the Philosopher. I'm new here. Or maybe I've been lurking. Or maybe it's a stupid gimmick. Hey, I'm just trying to get over with the marks. Wait, the heels. No, dammit, the smarks.

First, a brief face turn. CRZ? He's it. Scott Keith? A god. Tom the Actuary? It's a dumb name, but he's a god. [Slash] Wrestling? Brilliant. Not too shabby. Build some heat on the back of the opposition; Sean Shannon? What an ignorant tool.

See, that was a swerve. I'm not a face internet reporter, I'm a heel internet reporter. Sean Shannon's a god. So is Chris Hyatte. And CRZ. See they're both heels, Sean because he's repulsive, Chris because he abuses something repulsive to us and CRZ because he's almost above the fray, but he isnt. We don't like any of them. Don't like me, 'cause I'll abuse the weak kid and the mean kid who's secretly weak and the kid who thinks he doesn't need to make anything but cryptic references to the argument.

Wait, that was a mega-heel turn. Here comes email from other internet columnists. Keith rules. So does Hyatte. CRZ isn't bad. And Tom the Actuary definitely rules. And JJ Botter rules. Rick Scaia? Dayton? Who cares? So like the smarks we are, we recognize the following: huge, arrogant faces like Scott Kieth are over because he has something we don't on the Internet, confidence, and huge, arrogant heels like Chris Hyatte are over because he has something we recognize in ourselves but hate, the willingness to abuse and criticize to make himself feel better.

Hold on, that was a truthful swerve. Buried in the hyperbole was a critique of some sort. Was I suggesting that internet columnists, by and large, are all the exact same? You betcha, cause I'm Sam the Philosopher, and reading over the last few paragraphs, I'm a face and you like me. Wait, I'm a heel and you don't, except you might, as long as my heel shtick is cool. At least the gimmick has possibilities. Maybe.

I wonder what it is about the fanboys that collect on the internet. All the posturing, all the posing, all the chest-thumping, and to think that extremist fanboys would surround wrestling, the home of posturing, posing and chest-thumping. Unbelievable! Smart wrestling is white-trash geeky! Oh, that was a major heel turn. Here comes the email about wrestling being like theater. Damn it Hotmail, steer the email towards my Bulk Mail and do it right snappy. I can't stand the fanboy responses clogging the emails I'm getting from this and that Federation asking me to book. Oh my god, arrogance! Like the Byrds said, to everything, turn turn turn. Or something like that. I bet they were wrestling fans. I bet the Freebirds were the band's favorite. I slay me. That was arrogance and arrogance is formerly a heel trademark that is now a face trademark. So that makes me a face unless you disagree with me.

Back to the point. It is unbelievable to me, a man named Sam the Philosopher who checks five different wrestling websites roughly five times a day, that very thin and or very fat internet personalities whose preoccupation with wrestling leads them to believe that they are somehow a part of the product. The Wednesday news update becomes a chance for a shocking Botter heel turn! Wait, face turn against the smarks! Wait, it was a worked shoot, or maybe a shot work, against Hyatte. Or Shannon. Or wait, maybe it was Keith. Or CRZ.

Of course, if I, being Sam the Philosopher, can't get any news about wrestling, y'know, that boring side project we all have when we're not booking our own turns on the net against other personalities without faces, that's ok. Who wants wrestling news? Who really needs it anyway?

Certainly not me. I'm so smark, I don't need to know anything because I already know it. I do not mark out. I do not enjoy wrestling. It is not a television show. It is life. Wrestling has replaced oxygen to me. I just got tattooed on my left leg.

Did I explain that my left leg, that's, a plug for a hell of a site, is feuding with my right leg. That's right Scott Keith, who knew someone would want tattooed on his left leg? It was a big shot swerve; I didn't even know it was going to happen until my left leg's email box was overflowing with hateful response from my right leg. It's a monster feud. Misawa-Kawada? Eat your heart out.

Wait, here it comes, the face turn. I think internet reporting is a basically good idea, and having opinions about the shows are a basically good idea, and having varying opinions about the show is an excellent idea. So is analysis of the product. So are suggestions about the booking itself. See, that was all a swerve. I'm still a heel. Sam the Philosopher has out-thought you. Here comes that sudden chairshot that nobody expected: internet reporting is ridiculous. You are all fans. And the fans who just want news are getting buried under an avalanche of ridiculous back and forth sniping between people with nothing better to do.

Heel turns and face turns? What do you think the internet reporting community is, the WWF? Sam the Philosopher, speaking in third person because the Rock does it and he's a super cool face who is really a heel, says 'uh-huh! No way Jose! He hasn't seen one five-star spotfest feud psychologized matchup on the net, ever!' Can you hear the boos from the fans, fans being defined as the ridiculous people involved in these ridiculous feuds? Just wait. All of these ridiculous arguments are like the Kennel from Hell, they're like Blindfold matches, they're like a year's worth of Test/Big Show 60 minute Iron Man Coal Miner's Glove matches across the United States. They're stupid. They're inane. The people participating really seem to believe they're wrestlers, which they aren't. They are childing and immature and they chase away fans from the news they seek.

Are all internet columnists alike? Yes. They aren't wrestlers, they act like they are, they wish life was as easy as a chairshot of redemption, they like to believe that their feuds will take them to the gold, to popularity, to happiness. And it won't. It'll chase fans away. Oh yeah, the fans who like the wrestling and like the news; you know, the ones forgotten about by the journalists who keep their feuds alive because they seem to forget that they aren't the only ones reading. Was that a swerve? Was that a shoot? It was a smark shot work!

And what's all that negativity towards these ridiculous feuds? It's a damned face turn, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Sam the Philosopher said so. Until next time, make mine Netcop, but only if he isn't giving Hyatte the rub on Shannon, but instead going after CRZ. Except that might not get over.

Sam the Philosopher

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