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Steve Schroeder



Following the purchase of WCW by the WWF, there has been a serious decrease in the amount of wrestling news filtering onto the Internet. However, just as with any public figure, every wrestling personality has dozens of real-life secrets that are kept from the fans. Therefore, using the sleaziest of tabloid tactics (placing me on the same moral level as most wrestling reporters), I have contacted my inside sources and found out what the wrestlers don't want you to know. But now you will know, as I pass on to you these...



        During the procedure to add his 18th piercing a couple years ago, the needle also accidentally pierced and completely deflated his charisma.

        Has been undergoing major electrolysis to reach his current level of hairiness.

Kurt Angle

        Behind the scenes, swears like a Tool song. In fact, likes to sing along with Tool.

        Actually won his prized Olympic medals using a loaded boot.

        Pathological liar. It's true.


        Drink of choice: O'Doul's.

        Still under the thrall of Mark Callaway.

Steve Austin

        Drink of choice: Perrier.

        During his Stunning Steve Austin days, wore a mop on his head.

        Recently underwent surgery to remove his entire spine.

Mike Awesome

        Didn't break out of the indies until he dropped his original wrestling name, Mike Mullet.

Buff Bagwell

        Has already had his contract terminated by Main Event Championship Wrestling because the air of suck and failure is so palpable around him.

Chris Benoit

        Plans to put a gold tooth in his gap and embark on a rap career.

        Routinely loses wrestling matches with his wife, Nancy.

The Big Show

        Once did a moonsault into a 500-gallon vat full of chocolate pudding.

Eric Bischoff

        Didn't get turned on by seeing his wife having sex with another woman.

        Did find himself strangely aroused by Hulk Hogan's skin tone and texture.

        While mowing lawns, routinely calls Vince Russo at his video store so they can chat about how great they are.

Booker T

        Is not actually Stevie Ray's brother. They met while both were members of the Texas Shakespeare Society.

        Cannot, in fact, dig it.

Michael Cole

        Has a poster of Tony Schiavone on his bedroom wall.


        Age: 73.

Tommy Dreamer

        Despite having employed valets from Beulah to Francine to Jazz, is a virgin.

The Dudley Boys

        Are actually brothers in real life.

        Bubba Ray has the same skin disease as Michael Jackson.

Edge & Christian

        Natural brunettes.

        Privately think Matt and Jeff Hardy are "a pair of fairies."

        At house shows, are played by Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter in long wigs.

Essa Rios

        Has a stalker whom he doesn't have the heart to report to the police because it's his only fan.

Ric Flair

        Is starting to think he needs to be "more like Stu Hart" with his sons David and Reid.

        Says "whoo" all the time because of a congenital throat defect.

Mick Foley

        In one of the rare instances of a pitchman actually using the product, primarily trained for his matches by consuming mass quantities of Chef Boyardee ravioli.

        The actual "smartest man in wrestling," because he managed to fool Internet fans with his nice-guy persona.

Bill Goldberg

        Converted to Islam in June. New name: Kareme Abduul Jabar.

        Wants his WWF gimmick to be as Kane's friend Krispy Kareme.

        Actually thinks he'll still be popular when his existing contract runs out in a couple years.

Chavo Guerrero, Jr.

        Isn't actually Eddy's nephew, if you get my drift.

Eddy Guerrero

        Trying to sell Vince McMahon on an idea for his return in which he would drag the corpse of Art Barr to the ring and call crowds "fucking wetbacks" to see if it works out as well here as it did in Mexico.

        Used steroids to bulk up to a staggering 220 pounds.

Billy Gunn

        Mitsuharu Misawa's favorite wrestler.

The Hardy Boys

        Have a father named Fenton, a fat friend named Chet, and girlfriends named Callie and Iola.

        During their time in the WWF, have tried to solve The Mystery of the Shit in Sable's Bag, Who Dropped the Cinder Block?, The Disappearance of Chyna, and The Case of Kurt Angle's Receding Hairline.

Bret Hart

        Only half-Canadian (well, that's actually true).

        Appreciates the irony of people online whining about him being bitter when they haven't gone through one tenth of what he has.

Hurricane Helms

        His real name is neither Shane nor Gregory. It is in fact Harvey Herman Helms, which explains why he can't use his real name or an abbreviation thereof.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley

        Deathly afraid of midgets.

        Was romantically linked to Chyna, but later stated it was because "I was groping her in the dark and thought she was Shawn Michaels."

        Reflexively incapable of swallowing water, which is good for his entrance but awkward at restaurants.

Paul Heyman

        Ultimately sold ECW to one of his creditors for a sack of potato chips and a clip-on ponytail.

        Plays Drew's brother Steve on The Drew Carey Show.

Hulk Hogan

        Has been dead since 1998. This has improved his workrate.

The Hollies

        Aren't actually related, but do have threesomes where they pretend they are.

Chris Jericho

        Short-term memory loss led to his "gimmick" of getting everyone's name wrong and calling people "Junior."

        Isn't going to be turning heel anytime soon, thank you.

        Hates you personally.


        Likes to sit down in his den to sip port and read Nietzsche while his stereo plays Beethoven in the background.

        Looks like Leonardo DiCaprio under his mask.


        Still wears the Mortis mask during his personal time.

        Is a huge baseball fan. When asked his favorite player, said "Thammy Thotha."

Stacy Keibler

        Lives in a hollowed-out tree and makes cookies.

Billy Kidman

        Wrestled in a wifebeater until recent surgery to remove the vestigial head emerging from his sternum.

        Originally wrestled under the name Billy Manchild.

Jerry Lawler

        Isn't coming back to the WWF because living in Memphis with a wife thirty years his junior and his unemployed, pot-smoking son means he's fulfilling the Southern dream.


        Wears granny panties around the house.

        Is not really involved with Matt Hardy. Is not, despite certain, ahem, stories to the contrary, involved with Trish, Stephanie, Torrie, or Stacy.

Dean Malenko

        Has been hiding in Lita the past couple months.

        Eats gravel for breakfast.

Shane McMahon

        Jumps off tall objects and becomes a bloody mess in every match he wrestles because he is actually suicidal.

        Is kept from suicide during non-match time by the massive piles of money he lands in.

Stephanie McMahon

        Is pregnant with HHH's (Helmsley's, not Helms's) baby.

        Stuffs her bra with nippled watermelon halves.

Vince McMahon

        All the hijinks with Torrie and Trish, all the talk about genetic jackhammers and grapefruits, it's all overcompensation. His wife, Linda, had him gelded in 1999.

        Continues to put his suicidal son in high-risk situations because, hey, he can make a buck off it.

        Has plans to do a two hour spoken word monologue on an upcoming edition of Raw.

Shawn Michaels

        Will never wrestle again as his back continues to get worse under the strain of a massive ego.

Taka Michinoku & Sho Funaki

        Have been asked to give the 2002 commencement address at Harvard.

Hugh Morrus

        Once did a moonsault into a 500-gallon vat full of chocolate pudding and the Big Show.

Diamond Dallas Page

        Much like the Dada movement in art, got his wrestling name by picking random words in a dictionary.

        Only says "bang" when he's too stupid to think of something else to say.

Chuck Palumbo & Sean O'Haire

        Their real names are Charles Paladin and Scarlett O'Hara.


        Is in fact not Hispanic at all but a white guy from New Jersey.

        Is a rich layabout who goes shopping for Armani clothes with Kanyon and talks to invisible cameras.

William Regal

        Hails from New York City.

        Picks his nose.

        Being on camera causes him major intestinal cramps.


        In a recent ugly mixup, almost got thrown out of Raw backstage by a security guard who kept yelling "No squatty proto-hominids allowed!"

The Rock

        In a shockingly egotistical move, has recently begun referring to himself in the seldom-used 4th person, after experimenting briefly but confusingly with the 2nd person.

        Will reportedly have a two-second cameo in the upcoming Star Wars movie. Has already signed a three-movie deal to play this character, Evil Clone #2.

        His favorite dessert: pussy.

Jim Ross

        Has Tourette's Syndrome but doesn't know many real swear words, explaining his frequent use of phrases like "slobberknocker" and "bowling shoe ugly."

        Has a prosthetic face.

Perry Saturn

        Was terribly disappointed when told Droz had already used the dress-wearing gimmick in the WWF

Al Snow

        Doesn't understand the double entendre of everybody wanting Head.

        Saw to it that Shadrick and Darryl were eliminated from Tough Enough because Vince McMahon is prejudiced against black people.


        Has been living in the rafters of the Georgia Dome since WCW folded.

        Despite denials, actually is the same person as the pop singer Sting.

Lance Storm

        Moonlights in standup comedy and in writing humorous essays for the New Yorker.

        Broke up the Thrill Seekers team with Chris Jericho because he wasn't that interested in seeking thrills.

Trish Stratus

        Only willing to have sex in the missionary position.


        Trick knee makes a terrible snapping noise every time he kicks someone.

        His signature move is called the Tarantula both because it looks rather spidery and because he bites the victim on the ass as he applies it.


        Will be in the upcoming Lord of the Rings movie as Farmer Maggot, the fat grumpy hobbit.

        Is not actually tough enough, which explains his frequent absences from that show.


        Was able to leave his job as a bodyguard for Mötley Crüe because no one cared.

        Was able to take a break from his wrestling career because no one cared.

The Undertaker

        Secretly changed his middle name to "the" and his last name to "Undertaker," so his name is Mark the Undertaker, and his wife's name is Sara Undertaker.

        Suing United Airlines for losing luggage that contained his undead powers and his knees.

        Off camera, drives a Geo Metro.

Rob Van Dam

        Is actually not a bad wrestler.

        Has his wrestling outfits made from the skins of stripy endangered animals such as tigers and zebras.

Torrie Wilson

        IQ: 73.


        Suffers from severely low self-esteem due to constant chants of "X-Pac sucks!"

        At the same time as HHH's quadriceps surgery, X-Pac had surgery to remove his head from HHH's ass.

I hope you aren't too shocked by many of these revelations about your favorite sports entertainers. I assure you they are as true and carefully researched as most of what you read every day on the Web. Indeed, if parts of it seemed very familiar, there could be a reason. I will continue to consult my sources and pass this information on to you until such time as the WWF decides to contact its friends in organized crime and have me rubbed out. And that'll be interesting, if nothing else.

Steve Schroeder
[slash] wrestling

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