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Guest Columns

Patrick Screamer



or, the recap you never have to read again


(The entire Alliance, Stone Cold Steve Austin, or a McMahon) comes to the ring. He/she/they say, "(Kurt Angle, the WWF, the Rock) needs to understand that the Alliance will be THE dominant force in sports entertainment. And if you, (Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, the Rock), can't accept that, the Alliance will FORCE you to accept it tonight in front of all this (choose a city) trash."

Cue (Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, the Rock)'s music.

"(Shane McMahon, Booker T, Steve Austin), you know (an Olympic gold medalist, the Rock, Y2J) never backs down from a challenge, (it's true, it's true, jabroni, junior). So tonight, let's put that title on the line, no interference, one on one, and I'll show you why they call me (a true Olympic hero, the most electrifying man in sports entertainment, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla)!"

(Shane McMahon, Stephanie McMahon) replies, "Whoa whoa whoa, wait one second...who said anything about a title on the line? Tonight, in this very ring, you, (Kurt Angle, the Rock, Chris Jericho) will compete in a (tag match, handicap match) against (the Dudley Boys, Booker T and Shane McMahon, Steve Austin and Rob Van Dam)!"

"You want a match, you got your match...but why don't we change it up just a little bit, make it a little more interesting? Tonight, why don't I get myself a special partner?"

(Alliance members become livid, looking completely shocked, as if they could never in their wildest dreams have conceived of such a thing)

"Tonight, I'll team up with...The Undertaker!"

Cue (Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, the Rock)'s music as they walk off the stage

Alliance members look angry and perplexed

Backstage, Michael Cole waits outside someone's dressing room

Matches featuring some of the following: Hurricane Helms, Tajiri, Lance Storm, Big Show, in no particular order or combination

Backstage, Steve Austin speaks to the Alliance. RVD looks (bored, angry, stoned)

Features the APA, Rhyno, Test, Kanyon, Saturn

Backstage, an Alliance midcarder speaks to RVD

Back from break, Austin complains about RVD

Anyone left over from Q2 and 3 appears here

Cue (Kurt Angle, Chris Jericho, the Rock)'s music. Pick one who wasn't out in the opening segment

"You know, (your Olympic hero, Y2J, the Rock) has something to say: (Rob Van Dam, Booker T, Steve Austin), get your ass out here so I can whip it up and down (arena or city name)!"

Cue (Rhyno, William Regal, or the random heel upper midcarder of your choice)

"Sorry, but tonight (Rob Van Dam, Booker T, Steve Austin) is busy. But I'm why don't you try to take me out?"

...You know what? Doing this is as boring as watching Raw. You can probably fill in the rest.


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