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You say it's UH-gent
Make it fast, make it UH-gent
Do it quick, do it UH-gent
Gotta rush, make it UH-gent
Want it quick, make it UH-gent
UHH-gent, UHH-gent, emergency
UHH-gent, UHH-gent, emergency
UHH-gent, UHH-gent, emergency
UHH-gent, UHH-gent, emergency
So UHH-gent, emergency

-Foreigner, "Urgent"

"This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions."
"What do you mean, biblical?"
"What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor... real Wrath-of-God-type stuff.
Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies."
"Rivers and seas boiling!"
"40 years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes."
"The dead rising from the grave!"
"Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria."
-Ghostbusters (1986)

In 1983, fans of the Bob Backlund era probably freaked out when Vince McMahon, Jr. bought the company and decided to center everything around the superhero-like Hulk Hogan. The old-time fans probably didn’t enjoy seeing the classy wrestling turn, literally, into a cartoon show. Vince McMahon, Sr. was sorely missed in the wake of this unwelcome change. Of course, history will back up the fact that “Junior” brought the company to incredible levels of business. Twice.

All of the doomsayers were proven wrong. Their negative thinking did nothing but fuel the fire that was the WWF into becoming one of the biggest entertainment powerhouses out there.

Today, there is a new breed of doomsayers. These fans are bitter, cynical, and aren’t too appreciative that WWE has attempted to change things once again. Now solidly in control of the wrestling world, WWE is splitting into two brands and Vince is passing the reigns down to his daughter to get involved in the creative end. People haven’t reacted too favorably to what they have been seeing for the last year or two.

Negativity is brooding all across the board. The doomsayers are once again becoming very loud.

Well, this time, they’re right.

Welcome to The End. There's no going back.

It's easy to blame everything on HHH, because he is a big part of WWE TV lately, but ultimately the decision to kill wrestling was already made some time ago by Stephanie and Vince McMahon, the very blood that created wrestling as we know it today.

It matters very little that they hit a 3.6, a 3.4 or whatever they hit this past Monday. It's low, it's bad, but it's just a reflection that we are indeed at The End. People say it’s not a “trend,” but if you go back far enough, you’ll see a trend that has lasted for over two years. Stephanie put in charge of writing, ratings go down.

Stephanie is young, in love, and isn’t ready for the responsibilities of being in charge of writing four hours of TV a week. The fact that she is dating the person “they” want you to perceive is the top star isn’t a coincidence. It’s a textbook example of what is known as a “conflict of interest.” When HHH wins, which he often does, is he winning because Stephanie loves his work or because she loves him? No one can answer that for sure. Not even Stephanie.

As Vince Russo stated in a recent radio interview, Vince McMahon made a very dangerous decision when he made Stephanie the top writer. If Stephanie were to “suck” in that role, which she has, then it's hard for Vince to remove Stephanie from that role while still saving face. That's why we're trapped. There’s no escape.

Meanwhile, WWE is shoveling their business into new directions. SMACKDOWN! Records? WWE Films? A friggin' night club? These are terrible ideas, even if they are moderately successful. Business is going to fall until we reach an integer so small, the entire world will collapse on itself.

If WWE has nothing in store for the future of its fans, then it needs to accept that we're at The End. Once they accept that, WWE needs to go all out. There's no sense in waiting for things to get better, because they won't. Now is the time to panic.

What do we have to look forward to now? Benoit vs Angle at Unforgiven? Hey, I bet it'll be a great match because those are two of the best talents today, but if I want that match I have a great series from 2001 to go back to. If they want to do it again, they should do it for the WWE Title. Rock & Austin had one series of matches, then became main eventers before they had another series, which added depth to their story. That's something WWE is sorely lacking. Angle vs Benoit isn't happening any higher on the card now than it did back then. They're stuck, just like we are.

It’s time to flip everything upside-down and inside-out.

I'm not talking about turning the shows into all pure wrestling shows. That stuff hasn’t worked since Gorgeous George first appeared. WWE has so many matches that have happened multiple times that nobody will care how great the 47th showing of HHH vs Rock is, because it's been done.

Back in the 80s, we had a bunch of squash matches on TV every week. We were lucky if we even had two “name” wrestlers like Bad News Brown and Koko B. Ware facing each other in the main event of Wrestling Challenge. If we wanted to see Hulk Hogan, we would have to wait until he gave an interview in front of a backdrop advertising the next house show in our area. These days, we expect that and a whole lot more.

We're to the point where we see title changes, PPV main events, heel/face turns, face vs face and heel vs heel matches on a bi-weekly basis. On top of that, we have more lesbian make-out sessions, gay marriages, and heads shoved up asses than we could have ever hoped for. We have two two-hour television shows every week full of this stuff. Let's face it: they can't really take this wrestling thing any farther.

Wrestling has always been a sideshow where they make workers cut their hair into weird red Mohawks and date inanimate objects... and that's the way we love it.

It's already begun. The Rock & Steve Austin must have seen what was coming ahead of time and “got the F out.” Hell, even the F “got the F out.” Now, WWE needs to take it all the way. For the fans.

I'm talking about Tommy Dreamer attempting to eat the tongue of a live lion on RAW... Kane having his mask ripped off to reveal a reptilian face... wrestlers bleeding flammable black oil. If WWE has its strike force of Hollywood writers, led by the corrupt Stephanie McMahon, why aren't we seeing this already? She’s holding back progress and WWE's not taking enough risks, causing us to miss out.

They should bring back the names from our past. Have Jake "The Snake" Roberts return to kidnap Torrie and Stacy and sniff cocaine off their breasts. Personally, I'd like to see a promo with Mad Dog Vachon's eyes turning red as he recites apocalyptic Bible verses. Speaking of Strike Force, let's bring them back and have them break up again.

Let the TitanTron explode with blood as WWE falls into the cataclysmic depths of a Hell we can only imagine! Roddy Piper can return for a foreboding, non-sensical rant that nobody can decipher, then never be seen again. Oh, but no one will heed his warning…

Most people would say the cure-all to WWE’s problems is to remove HHH from being the focus of the show entirely. I say his presence should become more pronounced. HHH and Stephanie need to hook up again. HHH should come out on SMACKDOWN! and propose to Stephanie. Steph will refuse and try to have Security shoot him, but HHH will kill those guys and profess his love for her. As he talks about being the “GAME-UH” and running off Austin, Brock, and Foley, he’ll cryptically begin talking in Latin. As both bleed from their eyes we will see that they truly are in love and that’s when The End begins.

From there, HHH can align with the Undertaker and bring back the Corporate Ministry. Sacrificial rituals will be carried out as they beat and kill everyone on the WWE roster. HHH could decapitate them all with his Pedigree or rip their heads off with his new dominating finisher, The Sleeper. He’ll have Eric Bischoff hanging up pictures of HIM before he kills both Easy E and Vince McMahon, and then kills the Undertaker for complete control.

I suppose there must be a happy ending here. I suppose we’re all to hope that The Ultimate Warrior, the one person who annihilated HHH in his past, returns to destroy him and set everything right in our dimension. Maybe Hogan can return to fight for the Brotherhood of Mankind. We may cry out for Warrior’s return from Parts Unkown, but he will not turn his head our way. Hogan is getting too old to fight a losing battle. It’s too late for us mere mortals. Wrestling is slipping away from us.

Over the last two years, WWE business has fallen across the board. People were saying “don’t hit the panic button” a year ago and they’re saying it now, but it has become quite obvious that they need to hit it yesterday… and hit it hard. We’re past the point where wrestling can just turn around and become popular again, so let’s just quit. It’s over, so let's freak out while we're at it.

Let’s just hope it burns out instead of fading away.

Since we’re at the point where downfall is inevitable, WWE had better make it Entertaining.


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