LINE OF THE MONTH: Paul Heyman: "It's all in the posture." (Raw, August 13) Yeah, because they make sure you're flat on your back before they put you under and start CUTTING FLESH.

PREDICTIONS FOR LET'S ALL HOPE CRZ CAN GET TICKETS

Don't look at me. I just want to beat the computer this month.

WWF Hardcore Title Redux, Ladder Match: Chicks Dig Him vs. The Whole Show

Rob Van Dam's been damn near unbeatable as Hardcore Champion. He even beat Kane. But a mass Alliance run-in during his match with Kurt Angle on Raw allowed Jeff to sneak through the crowd (well, as much as a man can sneak wearing a lime-green White Sox practice jersey and long johns), clear out the riffraff, and drop a Swanton on him to regain the shattered gold.

I believe that's RVD's first job since Scotty Anton turned on him at... I want to say Hardcore Heaven 2000? I'm sure I'll hear about it if I'm wrong.

TNM Says: Jeff Hardy (22:10) Rob Van Dam

What I'd Do: Well, since we won't be repeating the 23-month unbeaten streak, I say let Jeff keep the thing.

What They'll Do: At first I thought RVD was getting it back, but with it now a ladder match, I think Jeff's retaining.

WWF Light Heavyweight/WCW Cruiserweight Title Match: Tajiri vs. The Ladies Love To Hate X-Pac

After Kidman beat X-Pac at Invasion in a non-title affair, X-Pac got the win back with both titles at stake. He complained to Regal about not having any competition, and Regal told him that it's because everyone says he sucks. X-Pac then challenged Tajiri to a LHW title match, won by Tajiri with green mist and a Straight-Up Kick To The Head.

Strange that X-Pac hasn't officially gone Alliance yet.

TNM Says: Tajiri (3:56 kick to the head ---> pin) X-Pac

What I'd Do: The mist RULES. Tajiri wins.

What They'll Do: Eh, my gut says X-Pac fully turns and gets both belts.

Just Send Beer Money & Lil' Spike Dudley (w/Miss Molly Madness) vs. The Dudley Boyeeez & Test

The APA had Test punked out when they thought he was the mole back in July. Test professed his loyalty to the WWF despite this, then turned last week and cost the APA the WWF tag titles to Page and Kanyon. After beating Spike on Raw, he tried to wreck both Spike and Molly before the APA came to save them and beat his ass some more. This brought the Dudleys out and set up this match.

Did Heyman sound happy that Test took an undeserved beatdown on his behalf?

Why is Test with a group that has Stephanie as one of its leaders? Unless Jericho's telling the truth...

TNM Says: The Dudley Boys & Test (8:49 Buh Buh Cutter ---> pin Bradshaw) Spike Dudley & APA

What I'd Do: Test is a damn idiot, I've decided. But his team should win anyway.

What They'll Do: Heels need the win, and they'll get it.

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: The Poor Man's Kurt Angle vs. Don't I Know Him?

Lance Storm's all about seriousness. Edge likes shenanigans. They tangled in a tag match at Invasion, then Storm won the IC belt from Albert with the help of seemingly every partner he's ever had with the exception of Chris Jericho.

Storm and RVD stole the Conchairto and used it on Edge last week while Christian was getting the KOTR trophy buffed or something. Edge challenged Storm over the weekend, I guess, looking to win IC gold for a second time and for the first time on live television.

TNM Says: Lance Storm (7:28 superkick ---> pin) Edge

What I'd Do: Edge lives up to his promise and doesn't "Billy Gunn" his KOTR win. New champ.

What They'll Do: It's hard to say whether they'll turn Christian here or not, since they've been dropping so many hints that we'd expect them to NOT do it. I say they do, but AFTER Edge wins.

Rhi(y)no (w/The Corporate Bitch) vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho's making fun of Stephanie again. Or is it still? Whatever. Anyway, for whatever reason, Rhyno's always beaten Jericho whenever they've hooked up. It's like with Benoit this time last year; just replace "getting a metal garage door dropped on his chest" with "getting Gored through the back screen in the Smackdown time tunnel." And swap chops for... I dunno, scowls.

Steph likes Rhyno's dominance over Chris, and wants to watch Rhyno finish him off at SummerSlam.

Why does Rhyno care about Stephanie's honor being challenged? Unless Jericho's telling the truth...

TNM Says: Rhyno (6:34 Gore ---> pin) Chris Jericho

What I'd Do: Rhyno's no Benoit. Jericho wins.

What They'll Do: And likewise, Jericho's no Billy Gunn. Or something. Anyway, Jericho wins.

Cage Match - WWF and WCW Tag Team Titles: Horny Dallas Page & Positively Better Than Kanyon vs. Big Red & Hell On Wheels

Page is stalking Sara because he wants to be famous, pissing Undertaker off. Kanyon was the MVP of Invasion despite the fact that I don't believe he ever appeared on camera. Now Page is stalking Sara because she slapped him around a couple times and it got him all hot and bothered, pissing Undertaker off even more.

Both pairs of men won the other company's tag team titles on the same night, prompting Regal to tell Page and Kanyon that they were getting a cage match. "Have a nice time."

This'll probably be the same rules we had with E&C/Hardyz at Unforgiven last year: both members pinned, both submit, or both escape. At least I think that's what the rules were in that match.

Shouldn't this be a one-on-one blowoff?

TNM Says: DDP & Kanyon (Kanyon climbout ---> 12:41) The Undertaker & Kane

What I'd Do: Page drops UT with a Diamond Cutter, leading to aforementioned one-on-one blowoff.

What They'll Do: Dead Man Inc. kicks ass and takes gold.

WCW World Title Match: Sucka T. (w/Simba, The Giant Killing Gladiator) vs. Our Champion

Booker T. was sick of everyone talking about the Rock BEFORE he came back. So you can imagine how he felt afterwards. He's convinced he's better than Rock, and he would know - Russo had him ripping Rock off for most of the second half of 2000.

Like you didn't think Rock would pick the WWF. In what may have been a shoot, he asked Booker T. who he was. And he was even nice to Angle! Kickass.

Booker Rock Bottomed Rock TWICE on Raw, drawing boos. But those weren't "You suck" boos. Those were "You have NO IDEA what you've just done" boos. I dug it, actually. There hasn't been a "move" feud since Glacier/Saturn, and that alone tells you WHY there hasn't been one since then.

Why does Booker care about people speculating on the validity of Steph's assets? Unless Jericho's... the hell with it. Jericho's TELLING THE TRUTH. Sort of. I don't know anyone personally who's had his turn yet.

TNM Says: Booker T (5:31 Ax Kick ---> pin) The Rock

What I'd Do: I like both guys. But I say no harm is done by letting Booker go over this time.

What They'll Do: Booker retains, but in a way that keeps this feud going.

WWF Title Match: Hi, My Name Is vs. Now That He's A Face, I Don't Have Any Good Nicknames For Him

In the Inaugural Brawl, Austin punked Angle and joined the Alliance as WWF Champion. Angle got even MORE face heat because of this and beat Booker T to win the WCW World Title on his home turf, only to be screwed out of it by Austin on the following show.

Kurt's an old-school face with old-school skills. And the new-school fans LOVE him. It's TRUE. Don't be a Hurricane Helms and spill his milk.

TNM Says: Stone Cold Steve Austin (12:22 Stunner ---> pin) Kurt Angle

What I'd Do: Angle rules - but in this situation, you can get a lot more mileage out of Austin as champ. Austin retains.

What They'll Do: Interesting how neither man really has the upper hand here. But I think Austin's going over.

Wow, this thing's gonna end on a down note.

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