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Matt Spaulding



Pulling The Trigger

OH: RVD actually jobbed to Rhyno in a TV Title Match at Anarchy Rulz 2000.

DAMN YOU. ALL OF YOU: "Bodies" sucks ass. What? I said "Bodies" SUCKS ASS. All right? In a perfect world, I should never have to hear it again. But since we're stuck with it - LOOK AT ME - since we're stuck with it, it would fit better as a hype song for the Royal Rumble than for SummerSlam. What? That's all I meant by that.

And can you REALLY blame me for forgetting that Kanyon was in that pointless six-man at Invasion? You make me SICK.

NOTHING WRONG WITH ME: Me: 5 for 8. TNM: 2 for 8. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.... Batting leadoff again, Lance Storm and Edge... "Splendid"? Who TALKS like that? Is he gonna say "Perhaps" next? Now Edge NEEDS to kick his ass... Christian's gonna miss. Or not... YAY... This thing's going all over the place... Can we pick it up?... Ah, here's Shane to set himself up to get his ass kicked later... And there go all the smarks rushing for their keyboards to piss on Jericho again... Is that the original Liontamer?... YAY... RVD blew a spot! Call the Smark Police! Arrest that man!... This is just an ass-kicking here... Wait. They're letting Kanyon go? Oh, right, because he wasn't part of the stalking and the only reason he's in this match is because he's a tag champ. I'm actually OK with that... Austin-Angle's NOW? That means Rock's winning. Bet the house on it... Rock only kicked out of two Stunners at WM15, right?... And that ending not only proves it, but tells you why this match wasn't last. Booker HAS to go down after that or these good folks will riot... JR: "If the WWF gets wiped out by the Spinarooni, then by God, we deserve to be wiped out." Tremendous... Here comes the APA for revenge... Watch how Bradshaw whips his arm forward for the Clothesline From Hell. Stiff shit. And Shane hit the floor like he'd been shot... YAY... So add Rock to that group with Flair, Show, Angle, Bret, Nash, Hogan, Savage and Sid. Talk about a mixed bag. And I'm sure I forgot someone.

Well, it's about time they went through with the Christian turn.

This thing's been brewing since the King of the Ring brackets were announced and the brothers were on opposite sides, in case you've forgotten by now. Even then, Christian was complaining about his draw in the tournament (the Big Show match in particular) and how much harder he had to work to even make it to the PPV as opposed to Edge. And after all of that, he didn't even face Edge in the finals because Shane McMahon helped Kurt Angle beat him to tire him out for THEIR match later.

So Edge won KotR and got a trophy (CRZ: "What is this, freakin' JAPAN?"), but Christian started spending all his time with it, carrying it to the ring like it was his child and taking it out to get buffed and polished and Foley knows what else. We all sensed something was coming.

Then the invading WCW faction was turned heel and the Alliance was formed.

So Christian's seething jealousy was put on the back burner for a while as the WWF banded together in the spirit of facedom and unity. Everyone but X-Pac was made a face by default. Christian teamed with Edge again at Invasion to beat Lance Storm and Mike Awesome.

Then they sort of went back to it in the weeks before SummerSlam, and after he didn't show up to save Edge from a Storm/RVD beatdown on a SmackDown!, I predicted that Christian would turn on Edge at SS as he celebrated winning the Intercontinental title from Storm. Didn't happen.

But it only made things worse for Christian, as Edge had the trophy and the #2 singles belt in the WWF in addition to the legions of fans who think he's the Next Big Thing For The Second Half Of 2001. Christian - get this - cancelled one of Edge's IC title matches so he could get them a tag title shot against Dead Man Inc. He was damn near killed for his stupidity. He went on to get Edge disqualified against Hugh Morrus, then cost him the U.S. Title on the following show after Edge told him not to get involved.

Cut to Raw. In his most obvious attempt to date to one-up Edge, Christian had challenged Rock for the WCW Title. Christian accepted Shane and Booker T.'s offer to patrol ringside, then told Edge to stay behind. He lost the match and sulked backstage until the end of the Edge/Storm return match, when he came out to run off Storm and save Edge.

Then came the proverbial kick through the window.

Damn, this was well-executed. First the hug, then he gave Edge his belt and trophy back, then he CLOCKED him. Trophy dropped onto the chest? Check. (Kissing it beforehand like it was the Cup was also a nice touch.) Then he got violent, flattening Edge's head with a solo Conchairto before staring down at him with a disturbed look on his face. Even though we knew it was going to happen at some point, it was how it happened that got me, at least.

Christian's explanation? Obvious, but well done. He took notes when Austin spoke after Invasion, as he was both jealous and delusional at the same time (Edge is the selfish one?), but he delivered it in a way that made you think, "This tool actually believes he's right," a feeling I didn't get when DDP unmasked as the stalker. It's all about the delivery, folks.

He should take a sledgehammer to the trophy next. And start using his own music again.

But then what?

Small Packages:

  • It just doesn't look the same with milk. It's equally funny, though.
  • Rock does the Flair strut! Yeah.
  • Please, Jericho, no. Not the Stroke. ANYTHING but the Stroke.
  • Two roll-up pins in one night? That NEVER happens.
  • So let me get this straight: All you need to get Torrie to want to snuggle up to you is to be 6 feet or shorter (check), kind of skinny (check), talk funny (I can do that), and either know how to do a Shooting Star Press or kick like a motherfucker? (I'm screwed)
  • God help us all if Stephanie's a screamer.
  • Does this mean I get to intentionally mangle "Chronic" again? 'Cause that's almost as much fun as laughing at Stasiak.
  • We already have three matches for Unforgiven. Are you SURE Heyman's got a hand in booking this?
  • Pssst... I can tell you right now how Austin/Angle's gonna end.

    Matt Spaulding
    The Oracles' War Room

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