It's a non-Big 5 pay-per-view; I haven't written anything here in the last month; I'm moving next week. Half-assing it? Try QUARTER-assing it.

Da Crip vs. Olympic Villain Kurt Angle

This started up again with a discussion about - wait for it - who had the better submission finisher. Then Benoit laughed at Angle after he took a stinkface from Rikishi during a tag match. A week later, Angle held Benoit down as he got a stinkface. And last night, Benoit broke up an Angle Lock and cost them a tag team match.

You'd think they'd both want a piece of Rikishi after they both took stinkfaces. And speaking of faces, who is it in this match?

What I'd Do: Put Benoit over and turn whoever the crowd decides to get behind.

What They'll Do: Angle will win, and Benoit won't go face quite yet.

Totally Buff 2002 vs. The Three-Minute Men On A Mission

So it turns out that the real purpose of the Billy & Chuck commitment ceremony that wasn't was to: 1) get over the rivalry between Bischoff and Stephanie; 2) get Bischoff over as a man who'll do anything to put the spotlight on himself; 3) get Rico to Raw; and 4) set up this match. Not necessarily in that order.

You KNOW Bischoff's going to find the most repulsive partner for Stephanie if his team wins. You KNOW that.

What I'd Do: Billy and Chuck should win...

What They'll Do: ...but they won't, as the new guys get established with a victory over the ex-champs.

Don't Call Them Team Canada vs. Sucka T, Dustin Rhodes Is Finally Over, Big Red, and Bubba Raw Dudley

The main issue continued after Test screwed Booker and Goldust out of winning the tag titles at Summerslam. A threatened flag-burning was thwarted by a returning Kane, who beat champs Storm and Christian in a handicap match before catching a beatdown. Bradshaw bailed him out only to get punked by Regal, who joined the group later that night. Then Bradshaw got legit injured in a tag title match with Kane the following week. To replace him, the UA's put Spike Dudley through a table this week, bringing Bubba into the fray.

Confused yet?

What I'd Do: Booker's team wins and the tag titles come back into play.

What They'll Do: Heels triumph again.

Edge vs. Eddie Guer-rudo

It's a Summerslam rematch! Edge beat Eddie at the Slam, then Eddie returned the favor during the #1 Contender elimination series. Since then this feud has degenerated into rampant facial abuse, with Edge tricking Eddie into taking a stinkface from nephew Chavo, and Eddie busting Edge open with a chairshot.

What I'd Do: Eddie gets his win back.

What They'll Do: The same.

Intercontinental Title Match: Chump Jericho vs. Ric By God Flair

Does this look right to you?

Jericho captured his fifth IC title Monday after Flair was beaten by a Raw-debuting Rico. Jericho, sensing Flair's weakness and still bitter over losing to him at Summerslam, asked Bischoff for this match after winning the strap.

What I'd Do: Jericho wins to further Flair's slide, but drops the belt soon after.

What They'll Do: Hmmm. What I just said, I think.

Women's Title Match: Mighty Molly Madness vs. Twitch Stratus

This was just announced on SmackDown! with no real recent push behind it. Suffice to say these two Just Plain Don't Like Each Other and, frankly, never have.

What I'd Do: Let Trish chase a while longer.

What They'll Do: Molly retains thanks to Chris Nowinski shenanigans. No cherries are harmed in the booking of this match.

World Heavyweight Title Match: HHHammer Time vs. The Whole Show

Lost in the brouhaha when Bischoff awarded Triple H the Big Gold Belt and christened it the World Heavyweight Title (What is this, boxing?) was that that show ended with Rob Van Dam pinning HHH in a tag team match. RVD would go on to win the #1 Contender's spot in an elimination match, which seemed to worry the Game. Monday, HHH put down RVD as not championship material, then indirectly cost him the IC title later in the night.

What I'd Do: I still don't think Van Dam's quite ready. HHH retains.

What They'll Do: Triple H wins - barely.

WWE Title Match: Not Goldberg vs. Hell On Wheels

The situation with the new World title was created after both these guys ditched Raw for SmackDown! in the same week after Lesnar screwed UT in the first #1 Contender's Match. UT then appeared on S!D and won the elimination series and a shot to win back the title he wasn't pinned for.

Rather stupidly, Heyman's tried to distract UT by making his wife's pregnancy public knowledge. The stress may have contributed to Sara going into "false labor" this week, and pissing UT off further.

What I'd Do: The monster must be fed. Lesnar retains.

What They'll Do: Brock holds on, but it'll take more than one F-5.

Matt Spaulding
[slash] wrestling