ROSS REPORT VERSION 2.0
Revised thoughts from under the BY GOD AUSTIN! hat.
Last week, we DID have a great week. But that just pales in comparison to the excellence that was last night's RAW. We needed the old Stone Cold! We wanted the old Stone Cold! We GOT THE BY GOD OH HELL YEAH STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! By God, I'll tell you, when I saw the entire 156 man WECW roster cower at the great aura of the Rattlesnake, I completely forgot about the beating and busting open of my head from Austin two months ago when I saw OLD GLORY run down the aisle.
Oh yeah, one other thing. When I went backstage Stephanie reminded me that other things DID happen at RAW. I know these may be rumors that I can't confirm because I was busy cheering my his holiness, but apparently "Classy" Freddie Something was there. What's his last name? Does it start with an "A?" Aw, fuck it. O'Haire and Palumbo got some kick ass muzac, but who noticed? Also, Undertaker supposedly made the monumental gesture of giving Angle his hand in support, something that could've got the bond of team WWF over in twenty seconds, but oh well. WHO NEEDS BOND? WE GOT AUSTIN!!! AUSTIN!!! YES, I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES IN MY STONE COLD BOXERS LAST NIGHT, ROLLED OVER TO MY WIFE AND SCREAMED GORE!--AUSTIN! AUSTIN!!! STONE COLD!! AM I OVERDOING IT!?!?!?
Chris Benoit and Triple H had some surgery, and are going through some physical therapy. Now, I wish the best for the both to return as soon as possible to help out the WWF. Not that I'm hoping or praying with every inch of my being, but when they return, I'll say Hi.
DDP is fighting a minor knee injury, which will probably hurt when he gets it stomped mudhole style this Sunday.
Goodfather in nearing one hundred percent, and the WWF is looking forward to his presence on WECW Jakked (heh heh you know it's gonna happen *ahem*.)
BY GOD THAT MURDER ATTEMPTING SOB RIKISHI is almost injured. Hell, he could defect to NWA West for all I care. I hear that guy from WOW is looking for some new talent.
Spike Dudley, who hogged ten good minutes that we could've seen my hero Stone Cold drinking at White's joint, will be better soon. When? Who cares? Honestly.
Stacy Keibler actually was not at the beach. She got the tan from a tanning booth, beach ball from the crowd, and the "No Fat Chicks" tee from Mike Awesome. Good to see she really does have the WWF attitude. Not that's she DEBRA! DEBRA! BY GOD DEBRA! or anything.
Hebner-Patrick should be good. I mean, it's not Austin-Savio Vega or anything, but you make do with what you got.
I had no idea who was going to sit next to me on RAW. It turned out to be the least exciting option, Michael Cole. At least I was able to slip MC some of the "kool-aid" passed down from Vince McMahon to Stevie Richards to Paul Heyman and now to me so that Michael Cole had no reminder of the ass-kicking he took from Austin one month ago. Good ol Cole cheered Austin on like a trooper. I tip my hat to you pardner.
Well, he's looking forward to a great Invasion main event pitting Booker, the DAMN Dudleys, Rhyno, and D D BY GOD HE SUCKS P against Stone Cold. We all know who will win, but buy it anyway, just for the fun of it.
THIS JUST IN: Some foolish internet fan sent in a suggestion that Austin might join WECW during the PPV. HA! I laugh at thee. I know the old Stone Cold! The old Stone COld doesn't turn traitor. If the BY GOD RATTLESNAKE 3:16 BIONIC REDECK SONUVABITCH AUSTIN was here right now, I'd print out this e-mail so he could give it a stunner. I'm sure he'd sell it better than Stasiak (whose release will no doubt be on wwf.com by tommorow morning BY GOD.)
Until next time, this is Steve Austin. Ha ha, just kidding. I wish.