RAW IS WAR, AGAINST INTELLIGENCE
Last night's Raw was the equivalent of a bag of jellybeans consisting of 95 black ones and 5 other flavors. (If I've offended any black jellybean fans, good. Black jellybeans are chewy balls of evil.) One good match surrounded by more tasteless filler than a generic brand hot dog. And to think I was alarmed when Russo made his brief return. [sigh] Considering the precedent set at "Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal!" back in WCW, I should have known. At least Trips and Kane didn't shoot lightening bolts out of their eyes. It's those small things, ya know?
Where to begin? The Booker/Big Show match? Already had low expectations seeing it was a Big Show match.
Regal/Golddust? If anyone did not predict this matchup once they spotted the "Las Vegas Showgirl" option on the wheel, well I bet you think that snake really bit Jake Roberts. Awkward men in women's clothing adjusting underwear is NOT funny. Ever. Men stumbling in high heels, also not funny.
Trips/D'Lo Trips cheats to win? GET OUT. Flair comes to ringside? NO WAY! I get up and refill my water bottle? YOU BETCHA!
Stacy/Trish Could have been worse. Could have been Stacy vs Terri, or Terri vs Jackie Gaydar....why overanalyze, it's just Russo pandering to the male fanbase. So Trish and Victoria have a past. Whooo. Trish hurt Victoria? I'm intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. (Name who said that and I'll send you a prize)
Richards/Lawler Thank god they shot Lawler from the waist up.
When Hosses Squash and Anvils Drop, Next on Raw The main event. As soon as Kane stated he had never been happier, I knew something was up. So we throw Canadian Irritation, The Mismatched Dudleys, When Stoner meets Raver and Kane into a TLC match. I tried to be positive. I figured with Jericho, Christian and RVD we'd get a decent match. I figured Spike and Jeff would take some sick bumps. I figured I could watch the rest of Raw sober. [sighs] It wasn't the performers fault. I liked the match itself. It was the booking. Kane lies semi conscious for the majority of the match but wins over six other people? And the Triple H "surprise"? Good lord, I managed to sit through Kennel in the Cell, the Patterson/Briscoe Evening Gown Hardcore, even Stephanie blankly declaring her eternal love for Test. [HHH] YOU AH A MUHRDARER!"[/HHH] Oh Dear Lord, have we sunk this low? I would have been amused by "you are a plagarist!" or "you are a close talker!". At least then it would have been obvious it was a joke.
Since the writing seems to be following the soap opera genre, can Kane wake up to find Hurricane in the shower, since it was ALL A DREAM? If they keep going down this road, can we expect alien abductions? Kane finding out Terri might be his sister? Spike giving Bubba a kidney?
Can't go any lower without David Arquette or Flair kissing a donkey. Raw is Nitro, and not the good parts.
Until later, in the words of Jeff Hardy and Rob Van Dam, "you up for this, dude?" "Sure, dude"