AND THE WINNER IS...
It's time for the speculation to kick into high gear, and it's time for us SPORTZ ENTERTAINMENT~! writers to make our predictions, so I thought I would be among the first. So far, after RAW, there are now 24 confirmed competitors for the 30-man, over-the-top Royal Rumble match. My predictions for each superstar:
1. Scotty 2 Hotty: Fodder for the Undertaker. Look for the dead man to toss Scotty over the top like Funaki (or was it TAKA?) at RR2000.
2. Albert: No chance. His heat died when he dropped the Intercontinetal Championship, which he should have never had. He'll be one of the guys who stays in forever, pushing people against the ropes as if he can't throw them out.
3. Chuck: Comic relief entrant #1. He's going out quickly.
4. Billy: Ah, my vote for Persistant SOB of the Rumble. Billy's coming in early and will hang on until the mid-20s.
5. Hurricane: A good dark-horse competitor, but there's no way he's advancing to Wrestlemania. Easily eliminated by some hoss (see Scotty 2 Hotty).
6. Taijiri: Locks the tarantula on RVD, who uses it to push him to the floor.
7. RVD: Will stay until the bitter end, but will not win. My candidate for "Most Likely to Eat the Spanish Announce Table."
8. Test: Test could make a strong showing in the Rumble. After all, he won the immunity battle royal after giving Scotty 2 Hotty a backstage beat-down. However, the WWF will play the "he has no brains" card and Test will eliminate himself when someone pulls down the ropes.
9. Booker T: I would love to see this sucka win the Rumble, but alas, we all know the WWF has lost a lot of faith in the Bookerman. He'll make the Test exit, too.
10. Faarooq: Eliminated early. Damn.
11. Bradshaw: Will get a huge pop, run to the ring like a ball of fire, clothesline a bunch of people and be eliminated by the Undertaker.
12. Rikishi: Here we have the obligatory fat entrant, who will be a challenge to eliminate. Remember Yokozuna? Remember Earthquake? But Rikishi is not a main-eventer, so I'll bet they leave him alone with several of the recently-stinkfaced guys who will gang up and throw him out (he'll take several with him, though).
13. Lance Storm: Storm is going to surprise a lot of people by teaming with Christian to take an unfair advantage. He'll be the stringy guy who keeps getting thrown out, but hangs onto the ropes and comes back in. I'll bet he eliminates RVD in the before-mentioned grotesque manner, setting up a dandy feud (I hope).
14. Christian: Will do well when Storm's in, but then will be pummeled. He's gone in the teens.
15. Kurt Angle: One of the so-called "Big Five" predictions, and I'll admit, Angle looks good on paper. However, when you think of how many events Angle has headlined this year, only to be de-pushed, one has to deduce that he won't win this one.
16. Undertaker: At some point in the match, it will come down to either Undertaker and Big Show or Undertaker and Kane. At said point, Undertaker will be eliminated and further embittered.
17. Steve Austin: There's a lot of speculation that Austin will win the Rumble and will go on to face the Champion Rock (who is assumed to beat Jericho, but I think not) at Wrestlemania. People, that's way to obvious. Plus, you have to realize that Austin has been on TV for several weeks just yakking about how he's going to win. It's an obvious sign that he won't. Other factors: he's won three already, and he only counted 23 "sumbitches" in the number of people he'll go through. He'll be eliminated by Triple H to set up a feud.
18. Triple H: Everybody's sugar-daddy, but he's not going to win it. Again, that would be too obvious, even though many of us would love to see Jericho and Trips at Wrestlemania. Triple H will stand alone as the 27th man in the ring and will be shouting "Bring it on!" to the curtain, but the next three competitors will take him out.
19. Kane: The slow, lumbering guy who will be cleanly folded over the top rope early in the match.
20. Val Venis: No chance because some fans won't even know who he is.
21. Mr. Perfect: I WOULD SELL MY SOUL if Mr. Perfect would win this match. It's going to be great: the music, the gum, the towel, the Perfectplex. Old-school marks are going to be going crazy when he comes out, but knowing what we know, we know he can't win due to a contractual one-nighter. Sorry Curt.
22. Gold Dust: Another one-nighter who stands no chance.
23. The Godfather: A novelty act who won't get far.
24. Big Show: Wellllll...the fans will pop huge when he comes out, and he'll seem to be unstoppable, even eliminating the Undertaker. But Triple H and Austin are going to team up just before their fight to throw him out.
AND SIX UNNAMED COMPETITORS:
BUT THE FINAL THREE:
29. Kevin Nash: The pop of the century ensues. Ross: "MY GOD! GOOD GOD!" They'll saunter to the ring and give Triple H the old-school beat-down. He'll fight hard, but they'll prevail and stand in the ring together, making the clique sign. Until...
30. Yes, The IMMORTAL HULK HOGAN: Who comes to the ring to Ross saying, "MY GOD! GOOD GOD! BY GAWD! MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON OUR WWF SOULS!" He gives Hall and Nash the Finger of Death and they stumble over the ropes. They all celebrate together, and it sets up Hogan in the championship match at Wrestlemania. Everyone is stunned. Hogan has time to work out and cut about a million nWo heel promos. A new era is born.
Tell me you won't enjoy this! Tell me you can't smell the ratings!