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/wrestling /guests /Kelly-Marie |
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/wrestling /guests /Kelly-Marie |
| Guest Columns | Kelly-Marie: Super Vixen |
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KelMarSupervixen's Guide To Naked People, Whack Shit and Wrestling Does anyone else have a "List of People You Want to See Naked?" I mentioned that I had such a list and was greeted with a look of "WTF?!". For those of you who do not have such a list, let me explain what the "List of People I Want to See Naked" is, so that in future if you decide to create your own roll call of nudity you will know the basic requirements. I have a mental list of people who I want to see naked. (DUH!) Now there are men and women on this list because it is not entirely a sexual need that causes me to want to see folks naked, but also curiosity that compels me. I add people to the list as needed, and remove them when I have seen them sufficiently naked enough to satisfy my curiosity. So that having been said, I keep a special list for wrestling. I feel the need to share. My Number One Must See Naked Candidate is: Sabu. That's right, I must know if EVERYTHING on that man is scarred... nudge, nudge, wink, wink. I need to know he has barbed wire scars on his ass. It would be like looking at a Ron Jeremy porno: the most incredibly sick shit in the world, but you have to look. Next I'd like to see Chris Jericho naked. No other reason than the fact he's hot. I bet you could bounce quarters off his ass. I'd like to try anyway. I have to see Paul Bearer naked before one of us dies. Remember when Bad Ass did that clip with some fat-assed guy walking naked that was supposed to be the Rock? That ass shot reminded me right away of Bearer. I have got to know just what that vanilla pudding looking sonofabitch looks like naked. Not that I'd see anything prolly... his stomach has got to cover his family jewels. So even if I saw him naked, I wouldn't see him naked. Or something. Nevermind, that's just too much for my synapses to handle. I would very much like to see Pam Anderson's real funbags. This way I can compare her in her natural state to me in mine. I bet she's still gonna kick my ass, but I have to know. Maybe they are really out of alignment, or one's really droopy. Something that tells me she is physically imperfect. I have to see if The Big Show really lives up to his name. Next time you get a chance, check out the size of his fingers. They are goddamn bratwursts. Now, just imagine what the size of something slightly larger on an average sized man would be in those dimensions. If need be, take a class in architecture so you can scale to size. Sorry boys, but that's no trouser snake, that has got to be a fucking trouser anaconda. I want to see Vince naked. I'd like to know whether he did steroids or not. On the List of People Who Are Off My List (HUH?!) there are a few people over the years that you may or may not know have been in some state of public nudity. Hacksaw Duggan isn't on, I saw enough of his ass once to give me nightmares. Rick Flair is off for repetitive mooning. Andre the Giant died on me, so he's off. Jaclyn is off... she's got the record for spontaneous nipping. Hogan was never on as he is the most physically repellent human since "Adolfo, the Wolf Boy" in the old Guinness Book of World Records comics that used to come out when I was a kid. Luger is out for being too ripped. Undertaker is out for having a fat ass like my granddad. EVEN MORE WHACK SHIT HHH is the champ? Is Mick Foley ever going to hold the belt longer than the length "Dances with Wolves?" Poor Mick. At least HHH finally got enough heat to dry his hair before he came out... Why can't any three people in a wrestling newsgroup agree to any one thing? I troll around in rspwm from time to time. I have found in my new scientific study (soon to be released by the New England Journal of Medicine) that all online wrestling fans are insane and in need of Intensive Shock Therapy. (Has anyone ever wondered why it's pronounced "there-apist" when it looks like "the rapist?") I mean these people couldn't agree on a goddamn pizza topping if they were all trying to call Domino's. Sorry gentle reader, I had to get that out in the open. If it stops one silly argument over whether Brett Hart's life is a parallel to Superman's, I'll fucking jump for joy that one motard of a discussion was quashed before it starts. Didja ever wonder if there is a conspiracy in the WWF? Has anyone else noticed that all the most weirdest shit happens only when Teddy Long is reffing? Did anyone else think the Blonde Bytch Project was going to be a documentary on Rena? Didja know that meteorologists are wrong 73% of the time? Do you realise that's only slightly more than Al Issacs ratio of BS to Actuality? Have you ever wondered why guys like Savage get girls like George and Miss Elizabeth? Who buys all those Konnan shirts? The answers to these questions can only be answered with copious amounts of alcohol. I am actually enjoying a Jimmy Buffett weekend starting Thursday, so I shall try to glean the answers while I'm in a state of sheer fucked-upness only rivaled by Hunter S. Thompson. If my liver hasn't pickled by Monday, I'll try to report to the curious what I discovered. Also, I get to go to the ESPN Grill... if you ever get there, make sure to have the fucking hotwings there. They are the best on the East Coast! You can always email me any answers you may have to the More Whack Shit section. I am genuinely interest to hear the theories you might have. Only because if you read this far, you are even more fucked up than I am, and I'm hoping one of you will slip an alien anal probe story in there. THANKS! K-M, Super Vixen [slash] wrestling Mail the Author |
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