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Top 10 "reality television" tricks that might actually work for WCW:

10. 24-hour camera on Nitro Girls hotel room.
9. Immunity challenges determine weekly release victims.
8. UFC-style match: Tank Abbott/Meng vs. Insane Clown Posse.
7. Truck Driver Sue brought in to teach Mike Awesome how to cut a promo.
6. Commissioner Cat breaks up Bollea Alliance, strips Ed Leslie of US Title.
5. Starrcade features Senior Citizen Special: Rudy the SEAL vs. Roddy Piper.
4. Liberal use of backstage undercover camera shot, nicknamed "Stasiak Special."
3. New shoot interview reveals Russo will only go in front of a camera again "if the camera is on."
2. Cancel Nitro in favor of of "The Fat Naked Gay Guy Hour."
1. New nickname for Stevie Ray: "Big Brother."

Top 10 changes in Washington thanks to WWF's "SmackDown Your Vote" campaign:

10. Committee votes now two out of three falls.
9. Debates must now start with "You Know...," "First of all...," or "Let me tell you something...."
8. Library of Congress desperately trying to keep up with demand for "Positively Lieberman."
7. The words "right here in Washington, DC" added to end of inaugural address for cheap pop.
6. Ties in the Senate mean majority party keeps Intercontinental Title.
5. Tipper turns on Al at press conference, labeled "a damn Jezebel" by Jim Ross.
4. Time-wasting debate in Senate no longer called "filibuster," now known as "UT/Kane feud."
3. Loud cries from press corps that Pres. Clinton has let government slide downhill thanks to involvement with XFL.
2. Legislative sessions scheduled for two hours; important votes happen durring over-run.
1. New defense team strategy: "I did not have sexual relations with that intern. It's true, it's true."

Top 10 unanswered wrestling questions:
10. Who's better than Kanyon?
9. Who's shorter than Tazz?
8. Who's putting Vampiro over?
7. Who's not tired of Madden already?
6. Who's still watching "Thunder!"?
5. Who's interested in Val Venis?
4. Who's doing Chris Benoit's dental work?
3. Who's paying for Paul Wight's breakfast?
2. Who's frisking New Jack?
1. The King of Rock...who?/The King of Rock...what? (tie)

Top 5 promotional slogans to drum up WCW house show business:
5. "Special offer--buy one ticket, get 3,000 free!"
4. "The only place you can see Lex Luger lose to The Demon in 28 seconds."
3. "From the upper level, Booker T looks just like The Rock."
2. "Power Plant Talent, mindless booking, poor production--we pass the savings on to you!"
1. "Free Parking."

Top 10 changes to WWF SummerSlam that would be made by WCW bookers:

10. Booker T added to main event to help The Rock; announcers asked to "get the two mixed up a lot."
9. Chyna still wins IC title, but challenged by Judy Bagwell for cage match on RAW.
8. Hardcore Championship finish features stuntman portraying Shane being pinned by stuntman portraying Steve Blackman.
7. Lawler replaced at last minute; Okerlund beats Tazz in 1:28 with legdrop.
6. Three Count, MIA and Jung Dragons added to tag title match, now nicknamed "Tables, Ladders and Clusterf---s."
5. Special 30-minute post-main event concert performance by Herman's Hermits.
4. Undertaker rips off Kane's mask to reveal long-lost lover, Buddy.
3. X-Pac and Road Dogg reunite, pushing new catchphrase, "Hey, we smoke a lot of weed. Get it?"
2. Saturn, Malenko and Gurrero run-in to hammer Jericho in third fall for no good reason, then announce "the band is back together."
1. Main event features 13 turns, eight false finishes and a run-in by Vince McMachon, Steve Austin and the 82nd Airborne.

Snappy Closer--Top 5 signs our favorite recapper has too much influence on the wrestling world:

5. Newest member of RTC nicknamed "Wrestleline Web Master".
4. Steph begins to extoll the virtues of HHH's "New Space Mountain".
3. Shot of Saturn remaning in Thunder! opening replaced with "F-You, Kings-lovin' Freak!" screen.
2. Crowd actually begins answering a hometown reference by saying, "He said [hometown]!"
1. Real reason for WWF vote movement revealed--Blackman in 2004, baby!

E-mail encouraged, plugs appreciated, can you believe Madden's ripping off my material ("Save the Drama for the Dalai Lama," huh? Check the archives, buddy), etc. etc.

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Guest column text copyright (C) 2000 by the individual author and used with permission