Hey, greetings, people. Sit down, come on, take a sit and let me do the talking. This may or may not be the most well spent 30 minutes reading of your day. Are you reading this from work? Then it probably will be the most well spent 30 minutes reading, then. Reading from home? What the fuck are you doing, get outside!
Anyway, I finally got those tapes which none of you knew I was getting. Buying wrestling tapes from someone of the internet *so* rules. The first one was titled, simply: "Wrestling's Horrific Moments 3: You Fucked Up!" So, I suppose right about now you're thinking one of two things:
1) Oh shit, he's going to subject us to another tape review!
2) Oh shit, this column is probably going to contain blood and guts...lot's of it.
If you said one of the two, you were only 50% correct. But if you said both of them then you're 100% correct! Good for you. I'm no Math wiz, but I suggest with an accuracy rating that high you should take over doing a Micasa news column!
This will be a tape review, but a tape review with a difference. Ever heard of that before? Pout simply: this ain't going to be your cliched Scott Keithesque tape rant. In fact, it won't even be a rant. I'm going to go with a new format, and let it all hang out. Maybe it'll be boring, maybe interesting; YOU decide.
Right, so I get the tapes through the mail. I open the packaging like a ravenous dog (asking myself all the way why they make you pay so much for postage and packaging), and study each tape like a Bryan Alvarez obsessed smart. First thing I notice is that the tape box has a cool, computer generated cover, spine and back! Niiiiice. That's not all, the tape has an ACTUAL computer generated label, too.
Without further ado, I slot the tape into the VCR and get reading to rock out to some of wrestling's most horrific moments! Okay, that sounds *really* bad, doesn't it? Here's the review, baby:
WCW Championship Match: Jeff Jarrett Vs Scott Hall Vs Sid
Wait a minute, this isn't hardcore! This is WCW! Nothing much happens in this match, it's the triple threat match from 2000's Superbrawl main event. Scott Hall ends up injuring his back and shoulder, but if you blink you'll miss it.
Crusher Takahashi & Aquarius Vs Yaguchi & Hayette
That isn't Chris Hyatte in the ring, it's some Japanese guy. Don't even ask me what promotion this match is from, because I haven't got a clue (although I'd love it if someone would e-mail me and tell me). It's a Japanese promotion, if that helps. Aquarius breaks his leg, which is pretty nasty. They actually carry him out of the ringside area on one of the safety mats which he was sprawled out out after landing awkwardly!
The Gangstas Vs D-Von Dudley & Mass Transit
This is INFAMOUS! Okay, having never seen this before, I was pumped to see it for the first time. This is from an ECW in MA, back in 1996. Basically, Axl Rotten couldn't make the show to team with D-Von. Paul Heyman asked around for local talent and a guy called Eric Kulas answered. He told Paul and the guys who he would be in the match with that he was 19 and a fully trained wrestler. He even said that he knew the kind of match which went on in ECW (which he later contradicted in court when he said that he thought he would be wrestling a comedy match).
I originally had sympathy for this guy. You do if you just watch the footage on the tape. I mean, New Jack verbally berate the kid after slicing him open, and starts kicking him when the paramedics are seeing to him. When you hear what happened before and after the incident, your sympathy quickly diminishes. Not only did Kulas lie to get a match in ECW, he also asked New Jack to blade him because he didn't know how to do it himself. When New Jack was blading him, Kulas flinched, and that resulted in two arteries being severed and Kulas almost bleeding to death in the middle of the ring. Kulas survived and his father and him tried to sue ECW and New Jack in court. They didn't succeed, which is right, IMO.
Vic Grimes Vs New Jack
These guys go for a stupid double table bump, and they end up getting what they deserve. How anyone can do that particular table bump properly is beyond me, but these two mad men at least had a go. Grimes lands on New Jack's chest as they both hit the floor. You "uh" and "ah", and I was SUPER CHARGED at seeing New Jack get what he deserved after seeing him slice open a 19 year old the match before.
The Dudley Boyz Vs PG-13 Vs The Eliminators
This is a long and, on the whole, dull vintage ECW triple threat tag match. Perry Saturn blows out his knee and still continues wrestling (for about ten minutes) afterwards! This is a perfect example of ECW wrestlers busting their asses for their company.
Perry Saturn & Eddy Guerrero Vs The New Age Outlaws
Do I even have to talk about this match? This is the infamous "Eddy dislocates his elbow" match from a Smackdown early last year. Michael Cole reckons you can hear his elbow snap when he lands awkwardly after the frog splash, but I disagree.
3 count Vs Jung Dragons
This is another look away or you'll miss it type of deal. Someone breaks their nose in this match, apparently. But it's a good little Nitro match, nevertheless.
Hardcore Holly Vs Kurt Angle
Kurt Angle gets all sloppy in this one, and breaks Holly's arm after a crapped up moonsault spot. I think it was Angle's leg which landed in the wrong place, resulting in the breaking of Holly's arm. Ouch.
Mad Man Pondo Vs Ian Rotten
Okay, this is just fucking sick. It's CZW, so it's automatically sick by default, but you ain't see blading 'til you've seen this match. Pondo slices Rotten's forehead up with SCISSORS barely two minutes into the match! They go all around the ringside area cutting each other up, including a mucho sick moment where Pondo gets his arm cut. There are plenty of close-ups, which almost had me turning away a few times. You can even hear people in the crowd going, "Oh my God!" Pondo goes through the crowd, girls scream, and he comes back with what looks like a light, or something. Whatever it is, Rotten gets powerbombed through it and it blows up! Then Axl appears out of nowhere, everyone swears at each other, and chaos ensues. Crazy shit.
ECW Championship Barbed Wire Match: Sabu Vs Terry Funk
This is from Born to be Wired. Sabu gets his arm ripped apart. RVD comes out and wraps Funk in barbed wire. Sabu then wraps HIMSELF in barbed wire, and leg drops Funk through a table. Inevitably they both get tangled up in the barbed wire, and by the time Sabu wins the match (and the ECW world title) they are practically stuck together. People have to cut them out of the barbed wire using wire cutters after the match has ended. These two are fucking sycho.
Manny Fernandez Vs Invader 3
This is quite funny, but also very sick (pun not intended). Fernandez drops a couple of knees on Invader 3 from the top rope, and Invader 3 starts puking up blood! I've never seen anything like that in my life! Weird thing was Fernandez kept on doing it even though he could see Invader 3 was puking up everywhere. Eventually the locker room empties and the wrestlers chase Fernandex off! Madness. The commentary if funny as you can tell it has been dubbed on afterwards because they tell you what's going to happen before it actually happens!
ECW TV Title Match: Rhino Vs Rob Van Dam
This is fan cam footage (I think) of RVD breaking his leg after a baseball slide. RVD blows a spot or two, but still valiantly continues the match...and wins.
Mitsuharu Misawa Vs Vader
Unfortunately, this wasn't the whole match, just clips. Misawa breaks Vader's arm legit.
The Pyramid of HELL!: Lobo & Ric Blade Vs Hardcore Nick Gage & Zandig
This is just fucked up, and it's another reason why I just don't understand CZW half the time. I love these big bumps, but this one just doesn't make sense. Maybe if I knew the wrestlers involved a little better, I'd be able to grasp what is going on more. They set up a few table and put Lobo (I think) on the top. They then set fire to the tables, thumbtacks fall from the roof all over Lobo, and then some random guys falls from the rook on top of Lobo! That was just crazy.
New Jack Vs Angel
New Jack jumps on Angel from the balcony, but he breaks his leg. Not much else to say, really.
Mike Awesome Vs JT Smith
This is short, but painful. There are actually TWO fuck-ups in this match. First of all, Awesome drives Smith into the barricade, and his back hits it VERY hard. So hard it makes you wince. Then, Awesome goes to climb the ropes, but the top rung breaks and Awesome comedically falls flat on his face from the top! I laugh, so does the crowd.
Kawada Vs Mitsuharu Misawa
This is one whole of a wrestling match. It's the one where Kawada breaks his arm hitting Misawa! Not only that, but there's also the infamous Ganso Bomb, where Kawada just drops Misawa on his head (I've talked about this in detail in a previous column). This always proves why Puroresu is superior to most American wrestling in terms of pure wrestling action and work rate. Good stuff.
Chris Benoit Vs Sabu
This is short, but again very painful. Benoit literally drops Sabu on his head doing some kind of move which I've never seen before (in fact, I don't even think it was a move). Sabu breaks his neck. This is where Benoit got his Crippler nickname from.
Hit Squad Vs Big Unit
This is from another of those "What promotion is this?" feds. Kristy Kiss (Big Unit's manager) gets powerbombed through a table from the outside, and breaks her neck legit when Hit Squad fuck up the spot. I think it's disgusting how Hit Squad go on with the match even after they see they've fucked up and Kiss is hurt. I digress.
Sabu & Rob Van Dam Vs The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer
This was silent on my tape. It looked like a good match, but you try watching a silent match; it's hard to follow. And I don't just mean it had no commentary; it had no sound whatsoever. Sabu loses teeth in this match.
That's where the tape ends. If you like hardcore, extreme, or whatever you want to call it wrestling, GET THIS TAPE NOW! This was entertaining (if very sick, at times) viewing.
101 Reasons to Hate Me!
Because I'm bored, here's a little something I like to call "Making up Funny E-mails!" Okay, scratch that, and let's go with something a little more creative: "101 Reasons to Hate Me!" That'll do. This is basically a column where I fabricate a whole load of e-mails that were supposedly written to me, and maybe I'll even get a few cheap laughs. Read: these e-mails are *not* real. The people who write these e-mails are fictious. About as fictious as Scott Keith's room-mate. So, let's get this schbang up and running!
First a word from one of my (many) sponsors: "Fuck you!"
From: Davio Simms
"u dont know anything about wrestling.you dont no shit!!!everything you say means nothing to me cos everything you say is wrong!!!"
Why do I get the feeling this guy just found that his mother was raped?
From: Armish Warrior
"I don't know who u think u r but ur opinions are wrong! you don't know anything about wreslting cos when you say the news at Bobbies wrestling Palace you say it all wrong and i think you hate the rock who is my mate,,by theway."
Yeah, 'cos Stone Cold said so! The overuse of the commas is pretty funny-maybe you could trade one of them to fit in somewhere else in your tirade.
From: Little Old Pipe
"How dare you you bitch! How dare you excuse all of the people pof the world of using dildos! This is wrong. All wrong. I am 100% sure about myself and everything I say and do, and this is just wrong!! How could you be this racialist! How could you be such an ass man? u can't even write, little buddy, LET ALONE SPEAK! You better remember all your p's and q's and stop exuscing all the good people of the world of doing shit!"
Hey, buddy, are you sure you actually *read* my work?
PS: read the title."
PS: Fuck you, ass clown.
"I can't believe you said that about stone cold steve austin you should die in hell along with all the other vermin I hope you enjoy your self you stupid bastard bitch monket breath penis enlarging nit face, who I hate."
From: Mr. Correct
"You better correct something, buddy. In your last column at Slash wrestling you said that Edge was 231 pounds. He's actually 232 pounds. Correct this NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm on it right NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's just about all I've got time for this time around. I'm Matt Wilson, and I swear I'll get my head out of this cereal box one day.