Good ol' Heat! We start with a match!
Christian and Edge (w/ladder match hype) vs. Val Venis and D'lo Brown
This is clearly a clumsy way of introducing a European Championship feud between D'lo and Val. Michael Cole makes sure to tell us that they "hate each other", and remind us of the D'lo/Val/Bulldog triple threat match.

Edge and Val to start, Val's acting scared. Edge starts in control, to the ropes, shoulder block. More rope to rope work, few kicks from Edge, and then Val reverses a swinging neckbreaker attempt into a double-underhook vertical suplex. (!!!) At least I think that's what that was called. D'lo tagged in, and Edge nails him with a drop toe hold. Christian in for the doubleteam. Val in for the save, gets hit with a double hiptoss and rolls out. Christian and D'lo in, rope work some more, Christian gets popped up and lands on his face. He sells like he's been punched in the gut by someone really strong. D'lo with some punches. Tags in Val, doubleteam on Xian. Double suplex with a long vertical hold. Val goes for the pin, gets two.

Christian manages to take charge, corner to corner, charges Val and takes a boot to the face. Val charges and runs into a sleeper hold. Val turns into a belly-to-back suplex, but modifies that into a powerbomb. Incidentally, Val just keeps improving his moveset, in my opinion he could be the "technical monster" that they hyped HHH as a while back. Speaking of which, HHH and Stephanie are here on Heat! (Angles on Heat? My god! My god!)

Val tags in D'lo, some brawling between D'lo and Christian, corner to corner, Xian goes for a clothesline, but D'lo counters with a neckbreaker. He goes up top, springboard moonsault! But Christian rolls out of the way. D'lo whips him to the ropes, goes for a powerbomb, Christian hits a dropkick! Val and Edge tagged in! Edge, I swear, does some juking and jiving while punching. Val to the ropes, back body drop! D'lo in, he gets one too! Spinning heel kick! Crowd is loving this! DDT on Val, who headstands and twitches like only he can. Cover! 1... 2... D'lo saves!

All four men in -- Edge and D'lo in one corner, Xian and Val in the other. Xian with the assisted splash on D'lo, Val comes rushing in, SPEAR OF DOOM! Tries it on D'lo, who dodges, and Edge hits the ringpost! Ouch. He goes outside. D'lo holds Xian, Val goes for the clothesline, but Xian predictably dodges, meaning Val hits D'lo and the feud is on! Xian schoolboys the distracted Val for two, and D'lo makes the save AGAIN. Christian off the ropes, ducks a clothesline. D'lo tries a jumping elbow, and hits Val! Xian rushes D'lo, spinning sit-down powerbomb! He's going for the pin... but Val pulls him off! The two men are arguing... and Edge nails them both with clotheslines off the tope turnbuckle! Crowd is on their feet!

Val and D'lo are brawling outside. Bell rings (no contest, approx. 5:00), and the Usual Gang of Idiots are out to tear them apart. It takes a while. Not sure why that wasn't a countout win for the suicide blondes.

Our hosts are Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole! Edge's music plays! We think we know him! We'll see recaps tonight, I'll bet! And the Godfather... fights... Viscera. Man, that killed MY enthusiasm.

We see recaps of Mick Foley's cruel fate, including the interview from Smackdown.

HHH and Steph are backstage, and D'lo is ranting at them. Steph yells at him. He asks for a match with Val. He gets it, but now D'lo "owes" them. My god, HHH is Vampiro!

Grandmaster Sexay (w/Scotty 2 Hotty... but not Rikishi?) vs. Mosh (w/Thrasher and fake boobs). This match was set up by the tag team match last week. Too Cool dances! Mosh is wearing a metal bra with... I kid you not... metal nipples. Thrasher's bra reminds me of that woman from the Outsider tag team match back in the early WCW Russo days, know what I mean?

Mosh controlling to start, punches to Sexay. Off the ropes, dodge, dodge, Sexay hits a hip toss and a dropkick. Mosh to the corner, the Grandmaster goes for the splash, nobody home. Sexay put up on the top turnbuckle, smacks Mosh, tornado DDT! Face-first, wow. Covers for two. Up, into the corner, cackle and a bulldog! They mention that Korderas is the ref, and was part of the Jericho/Chyna debacle. Scotty throws a pair of ski goggles. Goes for another bulldog, but gets thrown into the corner, crotch-first. Ow. And a splash for good measure! Korderas tells Mosh to stop being such a jerk, which is a nice distraction, so Thrasher pops Sexay for good measure. At least he finally fell out of the corner.

Mosh chokes Sexay on the second rope, then goes back and leaps on him for a four count. Sexay's looking tired. He's on the apron, Mosh goes to the side and springboards over with a clothesline! Both men back in, Sexay pulled up, corner to corner and some kicks. Whipped into the other corner, Mosh follows, right into a twisting cross body! But Sexay lands on the pointy nipples, oohhhhh! Mosh is going up top, elbow, Sexay rolls out of the way.

Sexay takes charge with punches, off the ropes, back body drop! Mosh rolls to the apron, Sexay takes off his yellow shirt and LISTEN to the ladies go wild. Sexay goes over the top rope, over Mosh, with a sunset-flip/powerbomb on the concrete! OUCH. Mosh felt that one. Sexay's dancing, Scotty's on the apron, which distracts the ref, allowing Thrasher to fight Sexay. Body slam on Thrasher! Up top... Tennessee Jam! Covers... but Thrasher's not the legal man, and it doesn't matter because Scotty's still on the apron, distracting the ref.

Scotty finally drops down, Thrasher rolls out, and Sexay turns right into a top-rope crotch press. Sure, that's what I call it. 1-2-3! (approx. 4:30) Headbangers get revenge!

The CatchPhrase Outlaws are out! And they're going to fight the Acolytes at Royal Rumble. They make threats. Road Dog is afraid of the Acolytes. They say "look into our crystal balls", and "suck it". The Acolytes may not make it to Royal Rumble. And that's a promo for you.

Godfather is warming up his ho's. One ho, who is oddly bald, is afraid to go out, because of what Viscera did to a ho TWO MONTHS AGO. That's continuity for you. Remember Viscera's brief angle as an evil pimp? I liked that. Apparently this ho will stay in the locker room. The ho that got hurt was named Strawberry, we hear. As the Godfather and Train leave, they miss Gangrel lurking nearby. He enters the locker room...

Gangrel (w/ ho's) vs. Viscera (w/ hiss)
We've got two or three cute ho's, and two that we could definately lose. Insert catchphrases. Viscera enters, and we see a replay of Viscera brutalizing two prostitutes. We are also reminded of big V's attack on Luna... hey, aren't Gangrel and Luna...?

Godfather attacks Viscera, which is mostly futile, in spite of the ho's cheering. Godfather into the corner, Viscera charges, Godfather rolls out, but Viscera doesn't hit the corner because he's S-M-R-T smart! Godfather punches and kicks some more. Tries to whip Viscera, fails. Big clothesline, and samoan drop. That's gotta hurt.

Viscera still taking it to the Godfather. Choke in the corner. Whip, telegraphs. Godfather does the "try everything to take the big man off his feet" bit. Off the ropes, over the back with a bulldog-esque move! Gangrel in da house! He comes running down and threatens the ho's. The really hot one in the cowboy outfit (with cutouts) cowers up the stairs to the apron, where big Tim White can protect her! What was funny was watching her clearly take direction from the ref, rather than pretend to be afraid of the vampire.

Meanwhile, Godfather into the corner, big splash! Godfather staggers to the ropes, Viscera grabs him from behind... and Gangrel sprays Viscera in the face with a viscous red liquid that most certainly isn't blood! Godfather rolls him up for the pin! (approx 2:10). Kevin Kelly wonders who Gangrel's REAL target was. ("*I* wonder who he *really* is.")

During the commercial break, we come back to see that the bald ho has been BLOODBATHED! The other ho's scream nicely. Godfather is angry. Kevin Kelly says that this is beginning to make sense. Suuuuuure. The bloodbath is apparently making a revival in the year 2000, which segways nicely into the same 1999 highlight reel we saw on Metal. Or, if you prefer, Jakked.

[turn off sarcastic wit]
RIP Owen.
[sarcastic wit back on]

Now, as teased earlier...
Val Venis vs. D'lo Brown for the European Championship!

My GOD, a title match on Heat!

Val rushes D'lo on the walkway. They brawl for a bit. D'lo into the ringpost! Off the steel steps! Finally in the ring, and the bell sounds. Val in control. D'lo whips him into the corner, and as he staggers out, springboard DDT! Pins for two. Val tossed outside. Tope con hilo! Teddy Long tells D'lo to get back inside, D'lo tells him to "shut the hell up!" Val clotheslined over the barricade. D'lo over and they brawl into the crowd. Val takes it back, clothesline over the barricade again.

Back into the ring. D'lo checked on the top rope. Off the ropes, dodge, D'lo hits an elbow. "Getchyoass up!" he yells, then knocks Val back down with a spinning heel kick. Scoop slam. Patented leg drop... 1, 2, 3! New European Champion! (approx 4:00)

But wait! Val's foot was on the ropes, and here's Chad Patton (coincidentally, the same guy who ran in on the Chyna/Jericho match) to tell Teddy Long that. Long looks at the replay, and while Val goes after D'lo, we learn that the match is back on!

Corner to corner, Val hits a splash. Same belly-to-back into a powerbomb we saw earlier. Off the ropes, D'lo uses Val's hair to pop the porn star's head off the canvas. Long says "Don't do that!" Off the ropes, big scoop slam. D'lo in control, clotheslines Val out of the ring.

Val grabs the belt and decides he's had enough, marines we are leaving. As he goes up the ramp, we are told that if he gets counted out, he loses the belt? WTF? Since when can the belt change hands on a countout?! Maybe HHH and Steph made that stip, we hear.

Crowd's counting along with Teddy, and then good ol' brilliant D'lo attacks Val on the ramp, ending the count. Val into the steps. Back into the ring. Cover for two. Val up punching. Goes for a suplex, D'lo counters and hits his own. Off the ropes, reversed, Val hits a spinebuster. Going up for the Money Shot, but D'lo crotches him. D'lo's up too... SUPERPLEX! Cover! 1... 2... NO!

Both men beat... up and brawling. Val to the corner, D'lo goes for a splash and misses. Staggers out... fisherman's suplex...1, 2, 3! Bell didn't ring to restart the match, but let's call it (7:00). Val wins and retains as D'lo makes a critical mistake!

See you next week...?

Alex Beckers
freelance

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