Heat got da pyros! (Which were strangely lacking last week.)

EuroChamp Val Venis vs. Prince Albert in a non-title match.
HHH and Steph are here tonight. Val does his bump and grind but doesn't get to talk before the human pincushion that is Prince Albert is out. Prince Albert and Val trade holds to start as a "Shave your back" chant starts and gets REALLY LOUD. Does that mean Albert is over? Val takes it to Albert with punches, and then does the "try to take the big man down" bit with clotheslines, only to walk into a 720 degree spinning sidewalk slam.

Val takes Al to the corner, then Albert reverses him into the far corner. Albert taking it to Val with brawling, then a bear hug that Val gets out of by clapping the big man's ears. Albert puts him into a headlock, but Val does that neat belly-to-back into a powerbomb move that I don't know what to call. More punches from Val, then two big elbows. Val totally in control, hits two of his whip/clothesline combos. In the corner, Val hits like five lariats as the crowd boos the Big Bossman, who walks menacingly towards the ring.

Meanwhile, Val tries to pick up Albert for a slam, but can't hold him and falls backwards. Two count for the Prince. Albert now in control as an "asshole" chant starts up. He whips Val into the ropes, Val reverses, and as Albert hits the ropes Bossman sticks him. Gutshot, fisherman's suplex (pretty damned impressive), 1-2-3! (3:15) Nice ending, but still lame compared to what we've seen on previous Heats.

Speaking of previous shows, I just wanted to point out that my roommate and I were really impressed by the Taka/Crash Holly match on Jakked this weekend. (Me, too! - CRZ)

Our hosts are Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole!

Tonight we'll see the Godfather take on Gangrel, a continuation of a plot line that has been exclusively on Heat.

Speaking of exclusive Heat angles, The Headbangers are in HHH and Steph's office. HHH wants the 'bangers to take out Too Cool. Not just win the match, but cripple them, since their pal Phatu almost won the belt. Thrasher is worried about Rikishi, but HHH assured them that he'll be too tired after their match on Thursday. (Thinking about the real life timing of this is giving me a headache.)

We see a KURT ANGLE recap? What the hell? Oh, I get it... this is also about Steve Blackman, setting us up for...

Steve Blackman vs. Buck Quartermaine (no entrance)
Buck is a small man. By which I mean he's a small wrestler, which probably means he's MY height. (6'1") He is also a smart wrestler as he takes advantage of Blackman posing to the crowd ("What? What?!") to drop kick him in the back. He brawls a bit and then hits a nice snap suplex. Drops an elbow and pins Blackman for two. Blackman takes charge with a flipping-him-over side slam. Inverted side slam? Sure. Drops two hard elbows and a fist. The Lethal Weapon flexes for the crowd and decks Buck in the head.

Blackman still in charge with chops and chokes in the corner. While choking Buck on the top rope, he leaps over the rope to the floor, popping Buck backwards into the ring! Gotta say, Blackman's got some unique and neat moves. Back into the ring, into the corner. Blackman whips Buck into the corner and then tells him to get up. He looks at the crowd and asks, "Who's the man now?" I dunno, Steve... um... are YOU the man now?

Steve throws Buck outside and chases him out. Vertical suplex on the outside! Back into the ring as Michael Cole briefly touches on Blackman's brutality. Buck gets onto the apron, and Blackman gets a reverse chinlock briefly before knocking him back to the floor with a dropkick. As Buck recovers, Steve goes to the second ropes, flexes for the crowd, and again asks us, "Who's the man?" And BLACKMAN GETS HEAT! Those prayers must be working, CRZ, 'cause BLACKMAN GOT DA HEAT! Buck tries to get up, staggers, and falls back down. So Steve takes matters into his own hands, leaps down, and throws him into the ring. Whip to the corner, and Quartermaine pops out with a twisting cross-body, and the lateral press gets two. Cole and Kelly are strangely excited by this. Taken back down with a clothesline.

Steve pulls him up by his hair and punches him in the head. Scoop slam, then goes for the elbow, but it misses. Buck tries something and then Steve hits him with ninja martial arts stuff. Big belly-to-belly suplex. Into the ropes, crappy looking scissor kick, and the pin for three.

Blackman then celebrates, mocking Kurt Angle's celebration, all the while asking, "Who's the man?"

The Godfather and his ho's are walking, and they look THOUGHTFUL.

Back from commercial (please let them never show Worlds Deadliest Swarms ever again) and the Pimp Daddy is talking to the ladies and saying man a lot. More than me, even. The ho's offer to do him a favor and take out Luna. They got Luna.

We see a recap of Luna's ploy as a ho. Then a recap of Gangrel's bloodbath of a ho. They carefully ignore the Gangrel/Viscera side of this feud.

The Acolytes are out, and they cut a really damned cool promo on the CatchPhrase Outlaws. I think this may be the first promo I've ever heard Bradshaw give, and it's surprisingly good. They got two words for the Outlaws: ASS-KICKING. They don't even care about the belts.

Recap to System of a Down's "Sugar" which is a damned cool song. During the quiet part before "I sit... in my desolate room" we see Steph McMahon mouthing, "NO! NO!" Good work by the production crew there.

The ho's are walking purposefully.

We get a recap of earlier tonight. I hate it when they do that on a ONE HOUR SHOW. How short do they think our attention spans ARE?! Wait, what am I talking about? Ooooh, shiny...

Too Cool (w/out the Phat one) vs. The Headbangers (w/boobs)
Starting out with brawling. Both bangers sent to the ropes and taken down. Double hip toss on Mosh, same to Thrasher. Double elbow on Thrasher. Pose and double elbow drop. Sexay does the running man while Thrasher rolls out and Scotty goes to the second rope.

Thrasher and Scotty are in, Scotty in charge. Brawling and an off-the-ropes bulldog. Scotty does the worm, Sexay fires up the crowd and they are HOT. And then Thrasher nearly takes Scotty's head off with a clothesline. Thrasher's in charge, tags in Mosh and they kick the crap out of Scotty Too Hotty. Mosh chokes him on the ropes and then jumps on him for a bit. He mocks the running man -- how dare you mock the running man! -- as Thrasher continues the choke behind the ref's back.

More doubleteam with a double front suplex. Scotty goes for the tag, they mock him and attack him some more. Off the ropes, Scotty with a sunset flip for two, then taken down with a clothesline. Thrasher slams him, and then the 'bangers do their "huracanrana and I hit you with my partner's body" move. Mosh takes off his bra, and keeps the offensive until Scotty hits a belly-to-back suplex. Both men down, Sexay wants the tag... and gets it! Thrasher in, but Sexay is on fire! Big scoop slam on Thrasher for two, broken up by Mosh. Scotty in to throw Mosh out of the ring. Thrasher up... Tennessee Jam! With the goggles on for good measure... one, two, three! (5:26)

But Mosh comes in and he's trying to take them out of commission! Choking Scotty with some clothing, and then a big rack into a front-first slam. Sexay being handled by Thrasher. Scotty hit with the Stage Dive, and apparently the 'bangers are on the McMahon/Helmsley payroll.

Recap of the past week -- HHH, DX, the Rock, and Foley. And the REAL Foley.

Gangrel is walking to his dressing room, where he finds Luna tied up, hanging from a shower rod, with the words HO written on her! Man, if I ever had to do that to Luna, I'd be wearing a damned MASK or something. She's PSYCHO.

We get a recap of the ho's telling Godfather that they're gonna do what we see in the next recap they actually did. That's a recap from THREE MINUTES AGO.

Godfather (w/ho's) vs. Gangrel (w/cool entrance)

Michael Cole gets the non-sequiter of the week when he asks Kevin Kelly, "Remember how last week I told you I wanted to be an Indian?" "Yeah?" "Not this week." It took me a while, but I remembered that one of the ho's last week was wearing this hot cowgirl outfit, so I guess that's what he's talking about.

Godfather does his catchphrases.

Godfather takes the vampire by surprise, nailing him as he sprays "red liquid" onto the lucky audience. The pimp goes outside and hammers on Gangrel. Both men in the ring, more brawling from Godfather. Big boot off the ropes. Big back body drop that the ho's like. Clotheslines. Scoop slam. The ho's are running, one's trying not to smile, that must mean... yes, Luna has gnawed herself free and come to ringside! She chases the ho's to the back as Godfather hits her husband with a leg drop, and pins him for two.

Gangrel up with a DDT as Luna berates the crowd. Man, spewed on by Gangrel then screamed at by Luna... hope those were discounted seats... Gangrel pins for two. Oh, that's right, they hate her because she made ho's go away. We get a "We want ho's" chant as Gangrel attacks the Godfather. Ref pulls him off, which gives Luna a chance to choke him. Clothesline, pin for two.

Godfather starts coming back, but Gangrel clotheslines him again, then starts punching him inna head. Another "we want ho's" chant. Nothing fires up them marks like a pack of prostitutes, baby! Gangrel's got a chinlock. "Well, by Godfather lying down, maybe that's putting more pressure on that carotid artery!" Um, yeah, sure Michael. Godfather's hand drops once... twice... No! Powers to his feet, elbows to the midsection, kick to the head, big power slam! Godfather calling for the Pimp Drop. More brawling, Gangrel to the corner, but Luna's in the ring! Godfather turns, Gangrel rushes him from behind, and in a really badly mistimed spot, Luna accidentally sprays hubby in the face with the red stuff. He keeps running and knocks her out of the corner, coincidentally setting himself up for the Ho Train. Pimp Drop and it's over. (4:22)

The ho's are back, the crowd is happy, and I'm watching Simpsons! See you next week!

Alex Beckers
freelance

Mail the Author