INTRO AND PYROS

Tonight, we start with a match!

D'LO BROWN AND GODFATHER (with hos) VS. THE DUDLEY BOYS

Hmmm, I think I can guess where this is going. Four hos, and we're running about 50/50 on quality I think. This is revenge for that chop-block that took down the Godfather and led to the first powerbomb attempt on B.B.

You can't say pimp at 7pm on USA unless you're an audience member. And do we really need two men in lime green pants?

Dudleys rush the ring and it quickly cuts down to D-Von and the Godfather. One minute SQUASH on D-Von -- clothesline, Ho Train, Frog Splash from D'Lo, and the only thing that saves it is Buh-Buh Ray coming in with a chair to break up the count. D'Lo and Godfather win by DQ in (1:03).
Somehow the #1 contenders for the Tag Team belts seem a little less credible.

Speaking of which, what the hell happened to the Acolytes? They were pounding the crap out of people, wrestlers were afraid to go near them, they had the #1 contendership. But after that crappy little match at the Royal Rumble, they're stuck with this aPa angle?

Anyways. The Dudleys punk out D'Lo and Godfather, go to put a blonde ho through a table (who helpfully follows along), but our heros come to and prevent them from doing their dastardly deed. Godfather throws the table out of the ring after them.

OUR HOSTS are KEVIN KELLY and MICHAEL COLE.

Tonight! Matt Hardy challenges Y2J and Ivory challenges Jacqueline!

COMMERCIAL

Our hosts schill for "Cover Me", based on the true story of an FBI Family. Loosely, I think.

This week, the PLAYS OF THE WEEK are set to "Nobody's Wife" by Anouk. Anouk is pretty hot. Surprisingly, the WWF hasn't signed her to a developmental contract yet. I think.

BACKSTAGE, Buh-Buh Ray is completely freaking out because he couldn't put the ho through the table. He goes on about how great it feels, he starts to say it's better than sex but then realizes that it's 7pm on USA and he can't say that word. He's honestly creeping me out here. D-Von tries to get him to calm down.

COMMERCIAL

BACKSTAGE, Buh-Buh's a bit calmer but still completely psycho. D-Von tries to snap him out of his trancelike litany, and tells him he has a plan.

We cut to Ivory's entrance, and I suspect I know where they're going with this...

IVORY VS. JACQUELINE (C) for the WWF WOMENS CHAMPIONSHIP

Ivory has her scarf around her wrist tonight. Before the match, Ivory grabs the belt and tries to claim its hers -- Jacky ends that with a spear. We get a minute of pretty quick action -- and damn if it isn't good to see this belt defended with actual WRESTLING -- ended with a nice floatover DDT by Jacqueline. (1:01)

No surprise, Dudleys come out, and MAN! Buh-Buh Ray just POPPED Jacky in the face! Ivory's sent out through the ropes, and Buh-Buh's going for the powerbomb, when the Hardy Boyz hit the ring to make the save. The Dudleys bail and head up the ramp. Hit the Hardys' music!

COMMERCIAL

WWF REWIND OF THE WEEK (thanks to M&Ms) is Essa Rios' win over Gillberg last week.

And speaking of him...

ESSA RIOS (with LITA) VS. FUNAKI

We never get any indication that this is for the LHW belt, so I'm gonna assume that it ain't. I think this is a good point in the show to bring out Essa, since it's been about twenty-five minutes and we've seen TWO minutes of wrestling.

Essa throws sweat at Funaki for a little fun to start. Some nice lucha dancing is ended when Essa slams Funaki to the mat. Goes for the pin and gets two. Funaki comes back with a stiff side kick to the belly and a facebuster. He puts Essa up on the top turnbuckle and hits him -- Essa blocks the next punch with his foot, and hits a tornado DDT! Funaki rolls to the far corner, and while Essa distracts the ref, Lita is up for her own tornado DDT! Holy crap! Nice "what're you talking about?" innocent look on the outside. Drool.

Essa's back in charge, and gets a two count after a leg drop. Funaki's sent outside after he hits Essa with another side kick, and then Essa comes over the top with a corkscrew plancha! (At least that's what Cole said it was, and I got no way to argue...)

Back in the ring, nice chops in the corner from Essa. He goes to the top, no one home! Funaki comes back with a snap suplex, but eats a big spinning heel kick. Put up in the corner, Funaki takes down Essa by his red hair. Essa staggers up, and Funaki grabs him for the flipover DDT! He goes for the pin -- but Lita's there to grab his feet and pull him off her man!

Essa hits a powerbomb in the center of the ring... and he's not gonna try for the moonsault from there is he... holy crap! Huge air on the moonsault, 1... 2... 3! (3:50) Funaki tries to cheat his way a little closer to the corner, 'cause we all know it's Lita's turn! Not quite as much air on that one, but still damn nice, and Essa counts three for her.

In the MEN'S ROOM, Buh-Buh Ray goes stark raving berserk. We learn that he hates the Hardy Boyz. A LOT.

TAZZ VIGNETTE. The mood is about to change? I wish my girlfriend would give me fair warning like that...

COMMERCIAL

Next we get a monster RECAP of the Rock/Big Show situation, going all the way back to the weeks before the Royal Rumble.

There's this weird spinny metal hook logo for No Way Out that I don't know what it is...

COMMERCIAL

Six weeks to Wrestlemania 2K...

THE HEADBANGERS VS. AL SNOW AND STEVE BLACKMAN

When they get announced as Head Cheese, that's when I'll start calling 'em that. At the rate we're going, it won't take long... Snow and Blackman enter as a pair to Al's heel music. Snow works the "Head Cheese" chant for most of the match.

We start with Thrasher beating on Al. Mosh in for a doubleteam. He goes for a pin and only gets one. Snow comes back after Blackman kicks Mosh in the back. Blackman in to a suprisingly big pop, and he does martial arts stuff to Mosh. Mosh comes back with a counter in the corner and a dropkick. While the ref tends to Steve, Al pulls Mosh out of the ring and slams him into the steel steps. Mosh gets rolled back in and pinned for two.

More offense from Blackman. Snow tagged in as part of a doubleteam, hits a side Russian legsweep and gets two. Snow pounds on Mosh as another Head Cheese chant comes out, but after missing in the corner Mosh takes him down. Ten count is on, both men make tags and Thrasher's taking down his opponents with big right hands. Mosh comes out and gets thrown through the ropes by Blackman -- Thrasher's running the ropes with Snow, and runs right into a Lethal Kick from Blackman. They set up and hit the vegematic, and get the win! (4:12) They exit to Blackman's Lethal Music.

RECAP of Angle vs. Jericho and Chyna.

COMMERCIAL

And no week-before-a-PPV Heat would be complete without the main event RECAP -- this one hypes the Hell in the Cell, with lots of shots from the legendary one...

JEFF HARDY (with MATT HARDY) VS CHRIS JERICHO (C) (with CHYNA) for the WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Jericho cuts a promo before the match. That EEEEEVER goes on for a LONG time.

Next Sunday, the Hardyz meet Edge and Christian AGAIN for the #1 contendership...

Jericho in charge to start. HUGE clothesline, Jeff sells like a pinball. Jericho screws up a bit when Jeff hits a headscissors out of the corner, but takes the plancha to the outside quite nicely. OFF COMES JEFF'S SHIRT! Jeff runs the barricade, but Chris catches him and slams him to the ground!

Back inside, Chris pins Jeff for two. Chest chops on the ropes, and kicks in the corner from Y2J. Hardy whipped to the corner, but comes out and sends Jericho head-first to the bottom turnbuckle with a drop toehold! He hits some more offense, then a swinging neckbreaker and a pin for two. Off the ropes, Jeff tries a hurancanra, but that's a BAD idea when facing Jericho, who turns it into the Walls of Jericho.

Nice segment here -- Matt up on the apron, drawns Chyna on the apron on her side. Ref goes to Chyna, allowing Matt to run to the side and help his brother get to the ropes! Jericho breaks the hold, and Jeff nails Chris with a DDT. Jeff goes up, Senton Bomb! Tries to pin, but Chyna pulls Jeff out at two. Matt goes after Chyna, in the ring Jericho hits a MONSTER German suplex with release, but the Dudleys are down and attacking Matt on the outside!

No, wait, it's just D-Von... he's beating on Matt... and then Chyna clocks him! Matt and Chyna fight D-Von up the ramp... ref has no idea what's going on... Buh-Buh Ray in the ring, hitting a Bubba Cutter (3D without D-Von) on Jeff! Ref comes back, Jericho makes the pin and retains the belt. (3:55)

Well, it started slow, but in the long run we got three good matches and two title defenses on Heat this week! I better watch my back, at this rate I might have to defend my position here as Heat recapper!

Probably no wrestling next week as we lead-in to No Way Out, and even if there is I might not be able to recap it... I'll be in NYC for the weekend, and then RAW at MSG. Look for me in the cheap seats! See ya in two weeks!