Hey, many apologies to my loyal readers for missing last week's apparently terrific show. Not only did I miss recapping a show that included Jericho vs. Malenko, I missed SEEING it altogether! On the up side at least, if any of y'all are anywhere near Hartford CT, do your best to check out the Salvador Dali show at the Wadsworth Atheneum, it's running until the 26th. It rocks.

Yes, you can be a wrestling fan, and a surrealist fan, without being less of a man.

And now, tonight's theme: PEOPLE RETURN FROM INJURY (with an added dose of PEOPLE WE DON'T KNOW)

We're starting off with a match!

TeST (returning from back injury) vs. GaNGREL (returning from ear injury)

Gangrel has his full unterrupted entrance, pretty cool. Lockup to start, Gangrel takes charge with some knees and a scoop slam. Corkscrew elbow! Test comes back off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker. Our announcers surprise the hell out of me by referencing the fact that just a few short months ago, Test was a part of the headlining storyline. And now he's fighting vampires on HeAT. Into the corner, Gangrel hits a nice double underhook suplex, then clotheslines Test out. Baseball slide misses, and Test hits some forearm shots before getting whipped into the steps.

We hear that Val Venis will be making his HeAT comeback tonight as well, as the two men roll into the ring. We're also going to see Scotty Too Hotty against Essa Rios, and Lita will be at ringside despite that nasty powerbomb she took on Monday. Oh, that's good, that means I don't have to hunt and kill Eddie Guerrero. Gangrel hits a side Russian leg sweep and pins for two.

Suddenly we are all distracted by a gorgeous blonde in a pink cowgirl outfit strutting down the ramp. We learn (if we haven't guessed) that this is the WWF premier of TRiSH STRaTUS. And she is SMOULDERING folks. I checked out some of her photos on her web site -- let me tell you that she looks at least twice as tasty on TV.

Brawling back and forth in the ring as Cole and Kelly nearly cream their pants with enthusiasm over Stratus' appearance. Spinning sidewalk slam from Test gets a two count and a "We Want Puppies" chant comes up from the audience. Stratus is still on the ramp, gazing with interest towards... Test? Sure, they're both Canadian, right? Full-nelson slam leaves Gangrel in the middle of the ring, and Test is going up top. Flying elbow! And that should be it... 1, 2, 3! Test wins in (3:09).

Test climbs out right after the bell, and walks towards Stratus. They look each other up and down for a solid five count, and then she turns on her heel and walks out.

CoMMERCIAL

Wooo! No recaps yet!

VaL VeNIS (returning from neck injury) vs. ViSCERA

Val gets HIS full entrance. He tells us that he's like Wrestlemania because they're both the granddaddy of them all, and they both get your pulse racing. But unlike Wrestlemania, he performs every night. I knew you all cared deeply about what Val said.

Announcers mentioned it, so I'll agree: Last night's SNL was really damned funny. I was particularly surprised by how much the Big Show cracked me up when he was on-camera.

HeAT and Vis are brought to us by Milky Way, WWF The Music Volume 4, and Hydro Thunder.

My girlfriend, a moderate wrestling fan (she likes Edge, believe it or not) remarks that this is not a good match. I wholeheartedly agree. Val does a lot of "try to knock down the big guy" moves. I'm guessing no fisherman's suplex tonight. Baseball slide on the outside knocks Vis into the barricade, which GIVES noticeably. Damn. Attack off the barricade misses, and Vis beats on Val for a bit before rolling him back in. A pause to yell at a fan costs him some momentum, but he nails a huge belly-to-belly which nets him a two-count.

Scoop slam, elbow off the ropes, Val tries to mount a comeback with his knees in the ropes move. Side Russian legsweep fails because Vis is just too big. Vis goes for the big splash but Val rolls away just in time. Val up first, going up top, but Viscera grabs him for a Samoan drop. He staggers to the corner, which is never a good idea -- monster splash! Viscera tries again, but Val skips out of the way. DDT drops Viscera in the corner, Venis goes up top -- Money Shot! 1, 2, 3, and your winner is Val Venis. (3:29)

BaCKSTAGE, the BiG BoSS MaN is on the phone. He tells someone that "The pickin's are raaht in the world wrasslin' fedration, the tahm is now." (I assume he meant "ripe".) "They have no idear, and ah mean no idear, what they are getting into! We're gonna take the past to the present, and it is gonna hurt!" I don't know where this is leading, but since the past several angles BBM's been in have all SUCKED, I'm not all that excited.

CoMMERCIAL

Smackdown for PSX kicks butt, man. I got Paul Bearer to win the Royal Rumble.

PLaYS OF THe WeEK are set to the tune of SPiDER by SySTEM OF A DoWN. Okay, this seriously rocks, I totally have to get this album now.

SLaM OF THE WeEK, from RaW is WaR LaST MoNDAY is Lita getting powerbombed on the outside, and Dean Malenko picking up the LHW Championship.

SCoTTY ToO HoTTY vs. ESSa RiOS (with LiTA)

Our announcers are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE

Okaaaay... when Lita enters, she looks fine, but is "favoring her back", by which the announcers mean she's got one hand pressed to it until the match starts, at which point she forgets. And this was filmed Tuesday, and the announcement of her injury was after that, right? So is it a work or is she really hurt? By which I mean, do I have to hunt down Guerrero or not? And will Lita arching her back make me forget the whole thing?

Meanwhile, back in the match... A lot of cool flippy-floppy stuff from both men at the beginning. Ah... we hear that Benoit really wanted to be the first Radical to get WWF gold, which explains his sudden attack on Angle and Jericho last week. I guess. More fast work from Rios and Scotty, then Scotty hits a nice suplex and does the robot and a moonwalk. Whip is reversed, Rios kicks Scotty a couple times and throws him over the top. Scotty hangs on and then uses Rios' back to flip back in. Off the ropes again, huge heel kick takes down Scotty.

Into the corner, Rios' hits his double-hand chop as a "Scotty" chant comes up. Power slam and leg drop gets Rios two. Kick and a clothesline gets another two. Rios into the corner, pops his legs up and hits Scotty with a nice headscissors. Scotty thrown out, and Rios goes over the top turnbuckle with a somersault plancha! Scotty thrown back in, Rios goes for the moonsault, but his target rolls out! Both men up, crowd firmly behind Scotty now, back elbow and a big facebuster off the ropes sets up... yes, the Worm! He goes up top, and comes down with a... jumping DDT? Jumping facebuster? Not sure what it was, or was supposed to be, but it gets Scotty Too Hotty the win. (4:15)

Scotty dances as we go out to...

BaCKSTAGE, the APa receives a visit from MiDEON. Mideon shows off some t-shirts he's had made... "Acolytes + Mideon = Friends" and "I (heart) the APA". Faarooq says that if he wears either of those shirts tonight, he'll shove them so far down Mideon's throat, he won't need to wear underwear tomorrow. Mideon's got working gloves on, and he thinks he's one of them! Faarooq and Bradshaw are unamused.

CoMMERCIAL

JoEY ABS (with RoDNEY and FoRMER HaRDCORE CHaMPION PeTE GaS) vs. PRiNCE ALBeRT

Albert snots on the Posse before the match starts. Always classy. Gotta love those Boston Brahmin. He overpowers Abs and sends him to the corner, where he mauls him. He blind charges the corner and eats turnbuckle. Abs tries to come back and nearly gets gorilla pressed, but uses some pysch and takes out Albert's knee. Albert proceeds to SELL the injury for the REST OF THE MATCH. Color me impressed. Abs does the "off the ropes three times to take the big man down" bit, but fails and gets choked into a sit-down powerbomb, which gets a two-count. "Shave your back" chant starts up, aided by Gas and Rodney. Albert nails his wheelbarrow into the second-rope move, which needs a name. Covers, but Abs' foot is on the bottom rope.

The Prince is still very much in control of this match. He chokes Abs on the top rope, but Joey hits an eye rake to break free. Pete Gas jumps up on the apron, allowing Rodney to come from the far side of the ring and... ummm, kinda roll over Albert's back and fall out of the ring on his head, sort of hitting Albert's head as he went over. I really think that hurt him WAY more than it hurt Prince Albert. Joey Abs distracts us from this with a schoolboy for two.

Sign in the crowd: "Alex 10". Hey, thanks a lot buddy! (Sigh)

Both men trade punches, then Abs hits a side slam. As he goes for a pin and gets two... TRiSH STRaTUS is back out! Apparently she's checking out Joey Abs, and our competitors all spend a little time checking HER out. Albert tries a schoolboy of his own, which gets two. Off the ropes, scissor kick misses, off the ropes again, and a big boot sets up Prince Albert's finisher. The Posse are too distracted by Trish to interfere, and Albert picks up the pin! (4:30) Oh, and now Trish is checking out Prince Albert. He follows her out.

CoMMERCIAL

Our hosts give us a ReCAP video segment of last week's Rock/HHH/Show/McMahon shenanigans. They're set to the tune of a couple tracks from WWF Aggression. I am unimpressed.

CoMMERCIAL

BiG BoSS MaN vs. MiDEON

I suppose this is the price I pay for missing a week. I'LL NEVER FAIL YOU AGAIN!

Snickers presents Wrestlemania.

Our announcers seem to think that the APA are on the edge of their seats, waiting for the chance to help out their pal Mideon. Somehow I doubt it.

Mideon claps along to a loud "Boss Man Sucks" chant from the front row of the audience. Much arm-twisting, head-punching, and throat-choking commences. Mideon's whipped into the corner, Boss Man hits a splash, but eats a boot when he tries again. Mideon nails a backbreaker for two. Boss Man rolls out, drags Mideon out, and then chucks him into and OVER the steps. Backstage, the APA couldn't give a rat's ass, they're not even watching. Can't they play cards at home?

Back in the ring, Boss Man's beating on Mideon in the corner. Spit take gets a "We need raincoats!" line from Cole. Both men trading punches. On the ropes, Boss Man attack! He slides underneath and hits a right hand, then back in. And now, a MYSTeRIOUS STRaNGER has entered the ring! He's wearing a flak jacket, and gets in the Boss Man's face... but they're a team! They doubleteam Mideon, drawing the DQ (3:30), and the big bald stranger goes up top, hitting a leg drop on Mideon in the center of the ring. Boss Man and his pal glower for a bit, and we're out of here!

(So, ummm... one of the Dupps, maybe? I dunno.)

See you next week!