The last Heat before Wrestlemania! God willing, IT WILL ROCK MY HOUSE.

Before the video opening, we get a ReCAP of the Slap Heard Round the World. "Bitch" is helpfully bleeped since it's only 7pm.

INTRo (still with one Undertaker sighting and two Austins)

PYRo

No pansy interview segments here, dammit!

VaL VeNIS VS. GaNGREL

No words of wisdom from the porn star tonight, but we do get the vampire's "burnin' ring of far".

Lockup to start, then Venis with brawling. Gangrel does his jumping whip reversal, which I love, but eventually finds himself being mauled in the corner. He pops out and hits a nice suplex, both men moving VERY quickly. Val comes back with a clothesline, and does his knees in the rope move. There's gotta be a good porno name for that move. Speaking of which, he's standing over Gangrel and grinding... and now he's pounding Gangrel's head.

Gangrel, not liking this, tosses Val over the top ropes, but meets Val's fist when he goes for the double axehandle. Back in... or not, Val gets stungun'd, THEN suplexed back in. Gangrel in control now, laying in the boots. The announcers are giving us discussion of Smackdown's McMahon Family Feud. And Gangrel's biting Val's head.

Gangrel charges Val in the corner and meets an elbow -- Val continues his comeback with a twisting neckbreaker, and a kneedrop gets two. Gangrel hits a reversed atomic drop, but Val responds with a spinebuster. He goes up top -- Money Shot! 1, 2, 3, and your winner is Val Venis in (4:10). Good match from two solid midcarders, tho' I would've liked to have seen more of Gangrel's offense -- corkscrew elbows and the like.

Our announcers are MiCHAEL CoLE and KeVIN KeLLY!

BaCKSTAGE, STeVIE RiCHARDS is back, and he tells LiTA to tell ESSa RiOS that they're booked against the Acolytes. (Meaning Stevie and Essa, not Lita and Essa.) Essa is, understandably, upset, but Stevie explains that he's gonna hire the APA to protect them from the Acolytes, guaranteeing the win. Ummm... okay. Does Stevie even know that they're the same people? We're not sure yet. He runs off and Lita and Essa speak Spanish. Damn, not only is she HOT, she speaks another LANGUAGE!

This apparently is continuing from Rios and Stevie teaming last night on Jakked, a show that my VCR failed to tape for me. But somehow it got this one right. What could it all mean?

CoMMERCIAL

EaRLIER ToDAY: JoHNATHAN CoACHMAN interviewed EDGe, CHRiSTIAN, and the HaRDY BoYZ. The Hardyz talk about their wins in the Ladder Match(tm) and the Table Match(tm). Edge and Christian come back, sounding a little pissy, mentioning that they won the cage match and the number one contenderships (oooooh), and they're a little jealous. Matt calls them babyfaces with superhero names, and Edge brings up the fact that until that Hardyz/Brood feud, the Boyz were wearing plaid tights. Edge and Christian bail out of the interviewing while getting bleeped.

Before I forget -- HOT CROWD TONIGHT!

A nice lead-in for...

HaRDY BOYZ VS. KaIENTAI

Great! Taka's alive! We get a gratuitous replay of his brutal bump at the Royal Rumble, where he dislocated his shoulder.

Jeff and Funaki start, Funaki takes control, but there's lots and LOTS of rope-running before Jeff hits a flying clothesline. Matt tagged, goes up with a barbaric YAWP and hits the legdrop combo with his brother, getting a two count. USA/Hardyz chant ended when Taka's tagged in. Matt tries to hit a drop toehold into the bottom turnbuckle, but Taka's too short. More moves from Matt, and a fistdrop gets another two. Jeff and Funaki both in, and the Hardys hit a stacked-up assisted leg lariat. Jeff goes outside, as does Taka -- Asai Moonsault! And Funaki did... something... to Matt.

Doubleteam on Jeff, including the baseball slide to the face. Taka out, Funaki beating on Jeff. Whoring for Aggression from our announcers as Taka comes in, still beating on Jeff. And some doubleteaming too, just for kicks -- but Jeff makes the two collide! Dodges an enziguiri from Taka, hits one on Sho, Matt in and kicking ass! Jeff fell out of the ring altogether after making the hot tag. Crucifix sitdown powerbomb from Matt on Funaki! Twist of Fate! Swanton Bomb! But Edge and Christian are out!

Edge distracting the ref, Christian nails Jeff with the Impaler, and Funaki covers for the pin! As they leave, E&C look EVIL. (Kaientai, 4:22)

BaCKSTAGE, Stevie's talking to the APA. Bradshaw quotes him a price... and it's a little steep... but he'll got get the money. When he pays, cash, they won't show, and he and Essa get the countout win.

ADVeRTISEMENT for the WWF Aggression album -- Run DMC's "The Kings". This is 7:something on a Sunday night, so I doubt we'll see much of Scores.

CoMMERCIAL

Smackdown for the PSX -- hey, if you're on eBay and got scammed by a guy called Shay Albaz, let me know -- he took my money for a PSX and gave me nothing. Me and a dozen other people are sending the FBI and the police out on his ass!

LaST MoNDAY, GTV showed us Terri blowing off Kat's sympathy by mocking her lack of recent TV time.

Oh my god, a promo on Heat?!

The KaT is out... and in a black wig, no dye job yet. She's sultry. She acts pissy and calls out Terri. And lo and behold, we get TeRRI! I'm waiting for the old PMS music to fire up, but no, she is music-less.

Kat challenges Terri to a "Cat-fight" at Wrestlemania and the crowd goes wild. Terri calls her an alleycat as she licks her lips. Terri bites. Oh no, Kat says she sucks. Terri says "whore-ible" and says "exposure". Then she tears the Kat's top off, gives us the horn signal, and leaves. NOW we get some music, and I *think* it's PMS... I guess I'm supposed to be turned on or something.

BaCKSTAGE, Stevie has da money. But there's a sign on the APA's door: "Gone to buy beer". Stevie deduces that if they've gone to buy beer, they won't be back in time for the match, AND he can keep the money. Ummm... ever heard the phrase, "Just slip it under the door", Stevie? If it were me, I would make DAMN SURE that the APA GOT THE MONEY. But hey, I'm a wuss I guess...

CoMMERCIAL

Just when I was getting comfortable, they bore me with a ReCAP of last week's main event shenanigans. 'Nuff said.

CoMMERCIAL

The WWF SLaM OF THE WeEK, brought to us by SNiCKERS -- the Big Show beats up the Mean Street Posse.

STeVIE RiCHARDS and ESSa RiOS (with LiTA) VS.... ?

Our heros jump into the ring, very happy with their lots in life. They tell the ref to start counting as Essa lounges in the corner... but at four, we hear the music... and yes, the ACoLYTES are out. And they're wearing working gear. This is gonna be nasty.

Stevie gets pounded first, double shoulderblock. Essa hits both with a double flying body press, but gets popped off. He hits a double dropkick before the Acolytes regain control. Faarooq manhandles Essa inside, outside Bradshaw nails Stevie... and then Essa who's joined them, with a chair. More beating in the ring... huge powerbomb, huge spinebuster, Lita looks scared. Acolyte's music plays, and we're out of here... (no contest)

EaRLIER THIS WeEK, we saw ToRI and TRiSH STRaTUS in bikinis, as they premiered... more shots of women in bikinis. Hey, the Kat has blonde hair! I notice Jaqueline mysteriously absent... and thankfully, so were Mae Young and Moolah! Tori's like head-and-shoulders taller than the other four... (Ivory, Terri, Trish, Kat)

If the WWF would sign Miss Hancock, I'd never watch WCW again. Free hiring advice from yours truly.

CoMMERCIAL

Hype for "Cover Me". I'm sorry, but I'm not watching that crap.

Wow, I thought they'd forget! The PLaYS OF THE WeEK are set to SNoOP DoGG & W.C., as they cut "HeLL YeAH" from the WWF AGGReSSION CD.

I actually think I'd rather buy that Monsters of Rap album than this. It's true, it's true.

Next -- the Suicide Blondes against Tazz and Jericho?! My recap-sense is tingling!

CoMMERCIAL

Oh goody, a ReCAP of Earlier Today, when Edge and Christian got ANGRY!

EDGe and CHRiSTIAN VS. TaZZ and CHRiS JeRICHO

As the blondes enter, we see another recap of earlier tonight, when they cost the Hardyz a chance to win.

Tazz is a thug... who can barely get over the middle rope when entering the ring.

Edge and Jericho start, slow feeling out and some grappling gets them into the corner. MONSTER Y2J chant. More stalling, Jericho hits a shoulderblock and some nice chops. Edge comes back with a sidekick, and stomps Y2J back into the corner. He yells "Y2J" and sticks out his tongue, which is creepy.

Edge and Christian are "intense" and have a "new attitude" as they work over Jericho. (By which we mean -- "They're heels now.") Christian gets a two count on Jericho, but Tazz breaks it up. Y2J comes back with a running facebuster, then tags in Tazz for some doubleteam. Huge clothesline from Tazz, then a t-bone suplex. Blind tag to Edge, and Tazz gets nailed with a double flapjack.

Christian tagged back in, he and Tazz to the corner -- Christian goes for a kick, but Tazz catches it and hits a high cradle suplex! Shugaah! Tags on both corner, Jericho on fire, knocks Christian out. Edge tries a 'rana, but gets put into the Walls of Jericho! (Do 'ranas ever work on Jericho?) Christian breaks it up -- Tazz hits him with the Tazmission and they both roll out. Jericho nails the double powerbomb as Christian runs Tazz into the steps. He causes Y2J to screw up the moonsault -- Edge covers, 1... 2... no! Edge back up, backing into -- the Hardys, who pop him inna head! He staggers forward, falls down -- Jericho HITS the moonsault! 1, 2, 3! (4:23) WHEW, exciting there at the end!

We're out of here... I'll be at a Wrestlemania party next week, but I'll tape the show... we'll see if anything happens.