Before the opening even, we have a ReCAP of Chyna's SHOCKING betrayal of Jericho! I figure this is something she likes to do once a year around this time...

OPeNING SeQUENCE

PYRo

And we start off with the reason Alex recaps Heat...

ESSa RIoS (with LiTA) vs. FuNAKI

Sure, I've seen this about a dozen times now, but it's still worth it. Mmmm, Lita's breasts have been greased up nicely for this outing. We are reminded that Funaki is now a former Hardcore Champion.

Rios flicks the sweat from his hair as usual to start. He takes charge early with some chops and a suplex. He puts Funaki up, but Funaki comes down with a dropkick. He can't capitalize, though as Essa comes back with a dropkick to the knee. Rope to rope, Funaki holds on, Essa goes for a... something, but Funaki dodges, leaving Rios to hit the ropes. Sign in the crowd: "ALEX" Hey, thanks! And then I see the rest: "IS GAY". Why you sonofa...

As I seeth, Funaki gets a two count off a snap suplex. He stays in charge as the crowd chants USA, which is soooo dumb. A DDT in the middle of the ring gets another two count. More signs in the crowd: "Today is Tuesday", and... cool! The DECEPTICON logo! Damn! Essa in the corner, Funaki runs into his boot, and gets put in the corner. HUGE chops from Essa and a flying headscissors. Essa distracts the ref, Lita's up, we know what's coming... FLYING HEADSCISSORS from LITA! Essa comes back to make the cover, 1... 2... no! Replay of that move from Lita.

Funaki's back in control as he hits a facebuster and belly-to-back suplex for another two-count. He sets up... piledriver! But only another two-count. He sets up for... holy shit! Dropkick of Woe! Someone tell Tajiri! Hanging vertical suplex, another cover, and again only two. What does Funaki need to do to keep Rios down? For that matter, what's his finisher?

Blown spot here as Funaki whips Essa into the corner -- Rios flips over the ropes, landing on his feet on the apron, but Funaki hasn't started running yet! Non-plussed, Funaki helpfully runs full-speed into the turnbuckles. Essa goes up and tries for a twisting senton splash -- Funaki moves out of the way, but Essa rolls through and comes right up. He grabs Funaki's legs in the wheelbarrow position and drops him down on his face.

He gestures to the crowd... goes up... moonsault! And it's over! And another from Lita! Crowd was into that. Your winner was Essa Rios, in (5:05).

Our announcers are MiCHAEL HaYES and KeVIN KeLLY.

Tonight we see a Hardcore Title defense against Mark Henry, and Jericho takes on big Vis!

BaCKSTAGE, VaL VeNIS is talking with a cute brunette, when they're startled by STeVIE RiCHARDS. Stevie busts into a fast-talking tirade about him being a fan of Val, and having booked them both against the Headbangers tonight. He apologizes briefly for "breaking Val's groove" and then takes off. The girl: "Was that a friend of yours?" Val: "No." G: "An acquaintance?" Val: "No." G: "Tag team partner?" Val: "Oh my God! This is gonna be a long night!" G: "Mmmm, really?" Val: "Yeah, yeah, for you too..."

CoMMERCIAL

Back, we get a ReCAP of... Crash Holly? Yes, a recap of the 24/7 Hardcore thingy. Wheeee. This is, I suppose, in some way hyping the upcoming Hardcore Title match.

CoMMERCIAL

The FRaM TRaP OF THe WeEK, from RaW IS WaR - LaST MoNDAY: Bradshaw trapped Hardcore Holly with the Clothesline from Hell, allowing Crash to regain the Hardcore Championship.

Speaking of which... WWF HaRDCORE CHaMPION CRaSH HoLLY (with scale and garbage can lid) vs. SeXUAL CHoCOLATE MaRK HeNRY (with garbage can full of plunder) for the Hardcore Championship

We learn from Hayes that Mark and Mae Young are now in an "open relationship", thus meaning the angle is officially OVER, praise the lord.

Crash jumps Mark before the bell, and nails him early on with the garbage can lid. Some kicks in the corner, and a corner splash is caught, turned into a running powerslam. Henry calls for the garbage can and holds up a few objects for audience reaction. I think what won was a... curtain rod? It's quickly broken over Crash's back, and then Mark puts the garbage can over his lid. Hah. The garbage can is then stuck with a cookie sheet, and Mark pins Crash for a two count. Crash comes back with an eye rake and several kicks to Mark's knee, followed by a shoulderblock to the knee and a missile dropkick. Some vicious cookiesheet action, which Mark no-sells?! He rushes forward, bounces off the ropes, and Crash takes him down with a drop toe-hold face-first into the cookiesheet. He pins... and referee Jack Doan make a FAST three count?! Your winner is Crash... but... (2:41)

Oh dear... Crash celebrates, Jim Korderas in the ring as Jack pulls his ref shirt off, and CHOKES CRASH WITH IT! This ref is UPPITY! He goes for a pin and gets two. He taps Crash with the cookie sheet and gets another two. Crash kicks Jack in the stomach -- DDT ON THE COOKIE SHEET! Crash is pissed at Jimmy, he takes off with the scale... Jack has yet to move, well, that'll teach him...

CoMMERCIAL

We come back to a ReCAP of the McMahon's and HHH throwing everything but the kitchen sink at The Rock.

On the plus side, the shot of Steph with the belt is a hell of a lot better than that weird one of her wagging her finger.

CoMMERCIAL

The CaSTROL GTX SLaM OF THE WeEK, from WReSTLEMANIA: Jeff Hardy hits the Swanton Bomb off the BIG ladder. Those of us at the Wrestlemania party I was at spent most of that match screaming, "No! No! Dear god no, don't DO THAT!" DRIVE HARD!

THE HeAD BaNGERS (with cones) vs. VaL VeNIS and STeVIE RiCHARDS

Stevie's wearing a towel, and totally mimicking Val. Val does his full entrance... and then Stevie does it. But he can't get his towel off? Oh... he forgot to wear his wrestling gear underneath! Val, disgusted (along with the rest of us) send Stevie to the back to put some clothes on, for crying out loud! So... is this a handicap match now?

Mosh starts off as he and Val trade hammerlocks and armbars. Brawling back and forth as Stevie returns wearing a pair of Val's V briefs... and, ewwww! I can see his TAN LINE! [gag] Val's whipping and splashing Mosh in the corners, then whipping and kneeing him at the ropes. Side Russian legsweep in the middle of the ring and gets two -- Thrasher (former Hardcore Champion) makes the save. Val goes to Stevie and yells at him before dragging Mosh over and making the tag.

Mosh gets away with a clothesline and tags in Thrasher. Stevie rocks his world though and gets a two off a side slam -- Mosh making the save this time. The run in draws out Val, distracting the ref and allowing a quick doubleteam by the Bangers. Thrasher telegraphs a back body drop, and Stevie kicks him. Thrasher staggers... Steviekick! Thrasher grabs Stevie's leg to try and prevent him from making the tag, but to no avail.

Val and Mosh both in, Val cleaning house. Huge spinebuster on Mosh, goes for the big but Thrasher saves again. Stevie in as well, pairs in both corners, Mosh and Thrasher whipped into each other, but they LIKE slam dancing and they take down their opponents. Doubleflapjack on Val gets two, Stevie makes the save at the last minute. Stevie and Thrasher brawl to the outside, Val in the corner and Mosh tries a back splash -- but Val CATCHES him! Brought to the center and slammed to the mat! He goes up to the top turnbuckle as Thrasher bounces Stevie's head off the steps.

Val poised for the Money Shot -- Thrasher up, but can't shake him off -- Val smacks him and he falls off the apron. But now Mosh is over, up there with him, raining punches, he's THROWN OFF to the center of the ring! Val will not be denied! Poised again, Stevie's keeping Thrasher back, MONEY SHOT! 1, 2, Thrasher trying to get in, 3! Stevie's celebrating like a little kid, Val looks a little pissed. Nice match. (3:59)

Coming up next... can Jericho carry big Vis to a good match?

CoMMERCIAL

Woah, I thought they forgot this week -- we get the PLaYS OF THE WeEK, featuring KNoW YoUR RoLE by MeTHOD MaN, off the WWF AGGReSSION CD. Lots of hot chicks dancing in this video, which is always good.

CoMMERCIAL

The RC EDGe MaXIMUM PoWER CoLA OF THE WeEK (ummm... what?) is, again, from RaW IS WaR - LaST MoNDAY: Chyna DDTs Jericho, assuring Eddy Guerrero the European Title. Not just cola... POWER COLA! Gross. Chyna could not resist that Latino Heat, but then, could any of us?

ViSCERA vs. CHRiS JeRICHO

That Backlash pendulum thingy looks neat. Crowd pops LOUD for Y2J. BREAK THE WALL DOWN! (the rallying cry of WCW recappers everywhere I think) Y2J is on the stick -- he'd really like to go after Eddy and Chyna, but since they're not around, he'll settle for Viscera the Hutt -- the illigitimate son of Fat Albert and Mr. T. Nice line -- Vis is bigger than "Eddy... and Chyna... and their extended families... and their living room furniture..."

Y2J plays to the crowd and Vis is annoyed by a loud Y2J chant. Jericho goes straight at Vis and gets tossed down... and again... and again. Some knife-edge chops appear to be doing some good though. Up top... missile dropkick takes Vis down! Jericho goes to the ropes, Vis nails him with the rolling heel kick. Y2J picked up, slammed down. Vis goes outside... and up to the top?! Y2J up, hits a springboard dropkick which takes Vis to the apron. The big man holds on, on his feet walking along the apron -- another springboard dropkick, and Vis hits the floor! Crowd goes nuts!

Jericho over the top with a plancha, caught by Viscera, who smashes him into the post and slams him to the floor. Vis pressing his advantage with chops and a whip to the steps. Back into the ring, Vis controlling still with kicks and a choke on the ropes. Huge side slam in the center gets only a two count. Y2J and Vis trade punches and Vis loses a button off his trenchcoat. Jericho being destroyed in the corner now, whipped into the ropes, slides underneath! Dropkick to the knee staggers Vis, but the big man grabs him and just tosses him into the corner. Corner charge met with a boot, Jericho comes out with a running facebuster. He crawls over to Vis and gets a two count -- Jericho tossed off, onto the ref.

Hayes: "Ever get the feeling Viscera is just a couple moves away from greatness?"

Me: "No, never, why do you ask?"

Y2J whipped into ref Chad Patton, into the corner... Patton scurries out to avoid the huge splash from Vis and misses Y2J kickin' him right square in the jimmies! Vis sells it like a champ and topples. Jericho goes for the... WALLS OF JERICHO? No way... no way... WAY! Holy shit! Vis won't tap... won't tap... oh fuck Chyna in, distracting the ref. Vis is tapping, ref can't see it, Guerrero plasters Y2J with the belt! Chyna and Eddie bail out, Vis hits his monster splash and gets the win. Dammit. (5:24)

We see a recap of the goddamned screwjob, and we're out of here. See you... er... see you in a couple of hours!