MMmmmm... La Femme Nikita... oh, darn, I missed another showing of Air America. [snicker]

WWF ATTiTUDE

BaCKSTAGE, CHRiS BENoIT catches HaRDCORE HoLLY admiring the IC belt... and he SPEAKS!!! "Hey! What in the hell do you think you're doing?" "Anything I want." "You think you're man enough to wear that belt?" "I guess we'll find out tonight." And Holly tosses Benoit the belt, and stalks off.

OPeNING SeQUENCE

PYRo

SCoTTY ToO HoTTY vs. WWF LiGHT HeAVYWEIGHT CHaMPION DeAN MaLENKO for the LHW BeLT

Cole tells us that this could be a "Radical night", with Benoit and Malenko both in title defenses. This match is probably gonna be fast... and good, too.

My God, there's no way I can attempt to recap this. I stopped doing play-by-play because of guys like these. Just imagine lots of chain wrestling, reversals, holds, and the like. Scotty wins most of the exchanges. And he moonwalks.

HUGE leg lariat from Malenko gets a two count as Kelly tells us that Big Show's Austin Powers act had him in tears. Kevin, THERE'S NO CRYING IN WRESTLING! Meanwhile a huge back suplex from Malenko gets him another two count. Later tonight - Val Venis takes on the Godfather and Test takes on D-Von Dudley! Crowd is on fire for Scotty, who reverses a suplex attempt into an inverted suplex, VERY nice.

Running facebuster sets it up -- yes, here comes The Worm. Crowd is going berserk! Dean rolls out afterwards -- Scotty tries to suplex him back in, Malenko gets out, rolls him up, and gets the pin?! He wins on a freaking rollup?! WTF? Oh, we see in the recap that Malenko was holding Scotty's pants, so that makes it all right. Bleagh. (Malenko, 4:25) Nice match, shitty ending.

Our hosts are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE. Coming up later -- Benoit vs. Holly!

BaCKSTAGE, LiTA and ESSa RiOS are talking in Spanish. KaIENTAI wander past, and Essa insults them (something like "look at the two losers")... but holy crap, they spin around and come right back at him, in Spanish! Taka says something about tonight, and they walk off. Lita and Rios are suitably surprised and impressed, and so am I...

CoMMERICAL

God, I didn't notice it until CRZ pointed it out, but that "Ees so REEEEL" really is damned creepy.

The GTX SLaM OF THe WeEK, from SMaCKDOWN - LaST THuRSDAY, is Buh Buh Ray Dudley splashing Albert through a table. DRIVE HARD! And that sets up...

TeST (with ALBeRT, TRiSH AND HeR BReASTS) vs. D-VoN DuDLEY (with BuH BuH RaY DuDLEY)

Trish is hiding behind Albert as Buh Buh prowls the outside, his eyes locked on her. I do like where this feud is going, with all of us wondering just WHEN Trish is going through a table. Not to mention that I've been a Test and Albert mark for a while.

Test clotheslines D-Von, then takes him down with a shoulder block. Lots of running the ropes ends with a flying shoulder block from D-Von. Match goes back and forth until Test hits... woah, a choking sitout powerslam? Sure, that sounds good. He puts D-Von into the corner and just goes nuts on him, pounds the crap out of him. D-Von gets out, gets whipped to the other corner, and comes over the top with a second-rope sunset flip that gets him two.

Test is calling for his finisher -- he goes for The Grade, but D-Von slips out and hits his slop drop. He goes for the pin... ref counts slow, giving Albert enough time to - no, he can't quite break up the pin as Buh Buh Ray pastes him one. Ref -- calls for the bell?! (Double DQ, aw crap, 2:10) Okay, that's two bullshits in a row...

Dudleys toss Albert and Test, Trish over to check on them... and they've got her by the hair! She's pulled up over the top rope into the ring! But before anything can happen, Test and Albert come to her aid. And they get BOOED?! My god! Albert works over Buh Buh in the corner, Test finally gets D-Von with The Grade... and goes up for the elbow drop. MY GOD! D-Von wasn't in the center of the ring, he was even FARTHER from Test, but Test still NAILED him with the diving elbow! I don't know that he was three-quarters of the way across the ring like our announcers say, but definately at least two-thirds. Albert chokebombs Buh Buh Ray, and T&A stand victorious. Kelly says that the Dudleys haven't feuded with any really physical teams in the WWF yet -- umm, you calling the Acolytes wimps or something, Kev?

BaCKSTAGE, Stephanie (Stephanie's on HEAT?!) compliments MuFFY on her appearance. They see some crew member and start harassing him about his weight. Steph: "Hey tubby... you work here, for the WWF?" "Yes, ma'am, I work up on the light-" "You know what? Don't make me learn your name." (nice line) She sets him up with Muffy, who immediately berates him into doing jumping jacks. She's really getting into this! I LIKE a woman who's aggressive, especially when her shirt rides up and I can see her thong!

CoMMERCIAL

Several wrestlers tell me not to try this at home.

I've never pushed a Push-Pop... and, why yes! I HAVE been on Saturn! Sandworms, you hate 'em? I hate 'em too!

The WWF BoOT OF THE WEEK, BRoUGHT TO US BY LuGGS, FRoM RaW IS WaR - LaST MoNDAY, was Chyna hitting Jericho in the groin, and then DDT-ing him, ensuring Guerrero the win! Decide and Conquer!

The Reason I Recap Heat:
ESSa RIOS (with LiTA) vs. TAKA MICHINOKU (with FuNAKI)

Woah! I never noticed it before, but Taka's exempt from Heat capitalization standards! Logically, since he nearly won the Heavyweight belt last Thursday, he ought to win here...

At any rate, here comes the spotfest... shoulder block from Taka, running the ropes, Essa jumps up for a huracanrana, but Taka hits the brakes and Essa hits the mat. Picked up, Taka's in control, he pops Essa up, but eats a dropkick on the way down -- the kicks takes Taka all the way to the outside! Essa comes in with a baseball slide, but turns it into a flying headscissors! Slingshot plancha, but Taka dodges out of the way!

He goes back into the ring and distracts the ref so Funaki can work Essa over a bit. Thrown back into the ring, Essa takes some chops in the corner. Taka's whipped across the ring, comes out of the corner with a punch, which Taka catches...

My god! What WAS that? Essa, holding Taka's fist, ran up the turnbuckles to the top rope. (Picture Undertaker's ropewalk.) He jumped up and landed on the ropes sitting, bounced back to his feet, and bounced into the ring, doing a flip (all while holding Taka's hand) and then rolled backwards, flipping Taka, who rolled across the ring to the outside. Holy fuck.

Taka climbs up onto the apron, but Lita pulls his feet out! Funaki's over to get some revenge... he backs her around the ring, Taka comes at her from the other side -- but Rios hits a somersault tope over the corner on both members of Kaientai!

Back in the ring, Essa runs into a boot in the corner. Taka goes up for a tornado move, but Essa goes up to meet him. Punches exchanged. Essa's tossed off, but does a backflip and ends up on his feet. SPRINGBOARD FRANKENSTEINER!!!! Taka rolls out, Lita goes up the steps, calls for her own huracanrana -- but Funaki's over, pushing her off into the barricade. Okay 1) Sho touched her butt - now he must die. 2) That can't be good for the saline. Taka mocks her as Essa takes out Funaki.

Taka's back into the ring -- gutshot, Michinoku Driver! 1, 2, 3! (TAKA, 3:32) (My roommate, who'd never seen one of those before, went OOOOOH)

CoMMERCIAL

If the only thing we can learn from THE TRUTH(.com) is that cigarettes are bad for you, I don't think we're paying close enough attention.

The problem with the new Bop-It Extreme ads is that I keep waiting for the Dudleys to show up and accidentally (or hell, intentionally) cripple these idiots. And it never happens.

Our announcers shill for Cover Me. STOP IT! I'm NOT GONNA WATCH IT! NEVER!

MuFFY's NiPPLES are out, followed closely by MuFFY. She hypes herself and mocks all the fat people in the crowd. This goes much better than it did on Thursday. She's pretty good at improving too. "You DO look fat! You ARE fat! It's not the clothes!" Muffy calls herself the Fat Slayer.

Next we get a ReCAP of Blackman's disastrous stand-up routine at the old folk's home. God, it wasn't funny on Thursday, what makes you think it'll be funny now?!

CoMMERCIAL (we went commercial to commercial and all we got was Muffy and a Snow/Blackman recap? I guess that's to make sure that the show is ONLY 75% better than RAW...)

VaL VeNIS vs. GoDFATHER (with Attitude theme and prosti... er, hos.)

Ummm... aren't these guys pals?

Val gets the mike, and the women go nuts. He's got a lot in common with... a clock. You put two hands and a face on it, and he'll tell you exactly what time it is. Umm... yeah.

Crap, one of them has a whip! Val's enjoying himself... and so am I. Godfather plays Pavlov for us, and then... well, he'd LIKE to offer the girls to Val, but he's seen the damage that Val's done. And there's no way he's tearing up any of the Godfather's women! Okay, now that's just nasty.

Godfather in control as two hiptoss attempts turn into a big clothesline. But Val comes back after a missed legdrop and attacks Godfather in the corner. Control goes back and forth for a bit, and Godfather hits his stupid little legdrop. And then... KuRT ANGLe is out! And he's got the stick.

He says the "moral stench" in the ring is stinking up the backstage area. Val and Godfather are trying to still have a match, but they're pretty distracted. A double clothesline takes both men down, and Kurt's quick to take up on the mike. "You see what happens when you mix filth with scum? No one wins! They're both down! Which reminds me of another nursery rhyme -- Don't be like these two dopes, with your head in the sand! When it comes to relations, use your own hand!"

He starts insulting the hos, and THAT'S ENOUGH! Val and Godfather are out to take Angle down. They brawl with him up the ramp a bit, and then Godfather holds Val back. Angle takes off, but Godfather suggests they both just take the women and leave. So... Godfather really DOESN'T care if his women get torn up? That's JUST WRONG. (DCOR, I assume, no final bell, about 3:27 from first bell to segment end)

CoMMERCIAL

As we come back, our announcers give us a ReCAP of last week, as HHH and the McMahon's threw everything but the kitchen sink at The Rock. (Hey, isn't that what happened LAST week? Sure... but THIS time the Bossman was in both main events, which makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE.)

CoMMERCIAL

"If saving money is wrong, I don't want to be right." I wonder how much money Shatner lost on Friday.

EaRLIER ToNIGHT Benoit and Hardcore Holly had a staredown...

WWF INTeRCONTINENTAL CHaMPION CHRiS BeNOIT vs. HaRDCORE HoLLY for the INTeRCONTINTAL BeLT

Lots of weird tussling in the corner, then a staredown. Holly starts the beatdown, and keeps it going for a bit. Chops traded, then Benoit gets whipped to the ropes and clotheslined from behind as he bounced out.

MORE chops and slaps and traded, louder and LOUDER, holy crap. Benoit takes charge with a monster clothesline off the ropes, gets a two count. Huge back suplex gets another two.

Michael Cole says that Benoit's looking to hook in the Crippler Crossface, and then forgets the name of the Hollycaust. Benoit and Holly try to suplex each other -- Holly gets Benoit up and drops him belly-first onto the ropes, then baseball slides into him, knocking Benoit off the apron to the mat. On the outside, Holly whips Benoit to the ropes.

Back in the ring, Holly continues working Benoit over. He goes up -- Benoit up after him -- top rope superplex!! Benoit up first... going up to the top turnbuckle, swan dive headbutt MISSES! Holly covers, 1... 2... no! Powerslam attempt reversed... Holly whipped to the corner. Benoit grabs him as he bounces out, and sets up for the German suplex -- but Holly blocks, and slips out! Holly pounds away on Benoit, puts him up for a crucifix powerbomb -- but Benoit slides over the top, German suplex with bridge, 1... 2... 3! (Benoit, 5:29) Holly rolls out and looks pissed, and we're out of here...

Hey! No Plays of the Week this week! Oh well, I guess we got Muffy instead. Not sure that's an even trade... although she IS cute... but we usually see hot dancers in the videos... now I'm all confused...