Happy Easter! Happy Passover!

Mmmm... more La Femme Nikita ads.

These ads for "The Expendables" don't make me want to see it, they just make me wonder what Tempestt Bledsoe has been DOING for the past N years.

I'm going a little light on the blow-by-blow this week, otherwise this sucker wouldn't show up until Friday...

WWF ATTiTUDE

INTRo

(what, no little skit in between? Awww...)

PYRo

My God, Backlash is next week?

My God, the Hardys are on Heat?! They must be jonesing for an angle these days.

HaRDY BoYZ vs. AL SNoW AND STeVE BLaCKMAN

EaRLIER ToDAY, Snow tried to get Blackman to wear an Easter Bunny suit, to try going after the "Snow Bunnies" gimmick. Blackman seems to be at the end of his rope with Snow, and he stalks off. Snow seems disappointed, but grabs a passing Harvey Whippleman...

Of course this gave the Hardyz a LONG time to get to the ring and pose.

Huge Head Cheese chant as Snow and Matt start -- Blackman is doing his "angry" look. Matt takes Snow to the Hardyz corner, where they nail him with their double legdrop. Blackman runs in and gets doublesuplexed -- rollup on Snow from Jeff gets two. Jeff comes off the ropes, but Snow grabs him in an inverted wheelbarrow position... and flips him up, over, and back down to the mat face-first!

Blackman in as the Head Cheese chant comes back -- he yells at the crowd and takes his anger out on Jeff. Jeff gets free, pulls Blackman down by his hair, and goes for his over the top rope, catching his legs on the other top rope, flipping splash. Blackman rolls out to the apron, but Jeff dropkicks him in the back, taking Steve out to the barricade. Pescado over the top!

Rolled back in, tag to Matt. Matt takes down Steve, then bashes Snow to the floor. He spends a little too long jawing at Al, allowing Blackman the chance to dropkick him out as well. Snow grabs Matt, and wheelbarrows him up and down onto the ramp -- when was the last time you saw two wheelbarrow moves in the same match? Blackman and Jeff have both come down as well -- Jeff tries the barricade run, but Steve throws a spinning back kick and sweeps his legs, sending Jeff to the turf! NICE move.

Blackman rolls back in, and Snow tosses Matt in for a quick two-count. Doubleteam on Matt and a toss-up chestbreaker gets two for Snow. Matt mauls him in the corner and tries to make a tag, but Snow drags him back. Matt gets another chance and tries the Twist of Fate, but he spends too long going "AOOOHHAAA!" so Snow Northern Lights suplexes him with a bridge for another two.

Matt down in the center, Snow calls for the finish (no Snow Plow?) and climbs to the top turnbuckle... moonsault off the top - MISSES! Matt dragging over -- double tag! Jeff Hardy is on fire! Dropkicks to both Snow and Blackman! Snow into the corner -- assisted leg lariat! Matt's up -- and back down again, thanks to a kick from Blackman! But Jeff's over quickly to keep this from going anywhere.

Jeff whipped into the ropes, Snow's outside and grabs his legs, for another wheelbarrow (that's three!) into the steel steps! (Ever notice how Al Snow matches have spots in them that you almost NEVER see outside of an Al Snow match?) Meanwhile in the center of the ring Blackman has Matt in a full-nelson. Snow rolls back in... he's winding up... ref stands there with his thumb up his ass... still winding... makes you think... and yes, Matt dodges and Snow hits Blackman. (Well, duh.) Matt takes out Snow... Jeff up on the top turnbuckle, scoop slam for Blackman... Swanton Bomb! Jesus, he landed on Steve's FACE! Jeff makes the cover as Matt handles Snow, 1... 2... 3! (Hardyz, 5:20)

Afterwards, Snow says he has a gift for Steve, and calls out... yes, Whippleman in the bunny suit. Steve Blackman is, oddly enough, unamused. He yells a bit... and then hits Al Snow with the Lethal Kick! Blackman beats on Snow for a bit, and then poses. Kevin Kelly: "It's all fun and games, until your partner beats you up on Heat!"

Our hosts are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE. Tonight! Holly vs. Saturn! Malenko vs. Scotty vs. Taka! Sounds good.

BaCKSTAGE -- BiG BOSS MaN and BuLL BuCHANAN are at the APA's office, and they knock, clearly not seeing the sign: "Out to lunch". They knock AGAIN. (Just look AROUND!) And then... they kick down the door? That's just TOO FUNNY. Bull and Bossman proceed to trash the place, steal the APA's cigars, and drink their beer. Kelly -- "They're drinking the Acolytes' BEER! The BEER! What about the BEER?!" Oddly enough, this is amusing rather than irritating. (No, really! No sarcasm!)

CoMMERCIAL

MoMENTS AGo... oh, just go up a line and a paragraph.

LaST THuRSDAY, the Dudleys put Lita through a table. She took that really well, reminding me of course that they used to WORK together. Lita was way more butch as Miss Congeniality.

BaCKSTAGE, the APA returns home. They wonder who caused this.

CoMMERCIAL?! WTF? What a waste of a segment!

Thankfully, we come back to a match...

HaRDCORE HoLLY vs. PeRRY SaTURN (with new music!)

Unfortunately, Saturn's new music sucks. It reminds me of the PMS music. Our announcers tells us that a Fatal Fourway for the Hardcore Belt has been set for Backlash -- Hardcore, Crash, Saturn and Tazz!

Strangely, this isn't a hardcore match... nice suplex from Holly gets a quick two. Saturn nails a drop toe-hold into the bottom rope RIGHT in front of the camera -- and then Holly chucks him outside. Saturn drags him out by his feet, hits him a bit, and whips him to the post. Crowd is DEAD, although at least the guys standing next to them seem excited. Holly whips Saturn to the steps, and then rolls him back in. We get a replay of the steps collision, and it's stressed that it's SO LOUD! Yeah, so loud you can even hear it over the deafening silence of the crowd...

Huge clothesline in the corner on Saturn gets another two-count. Saturn gets control quickly, hitting a over-the-shoulders pop-up facebuster and getting his own two-count. Both men trading punches in the corner -- ref tries to get them to stop, so they push him into the turnbuckles? Oh, don't tell me... yeah, fuck, ref calls for the bell. (DDQ, 2:28) Well, THAT was a waste.

Both men still brawling though as Saturn clotheslines Holly to the outside. Saturn's yelling at the ref -- Jimmy Korderas in to plead for his co-worker, and this distracts Saturn long enough for Holly to bash 'im inna head with a stop sign. Yeah, that was exciting. Or something.

CoMMERCIAL

WWF BoOT OF THe WeEK -- from SMaCKDOWN - LaST THuRSDAY: HHH nails the Rock with the belt, giving Jericho a win, which is somehow a victory for McMahon-Helmsley. DECIDE AND CONQUER!

Next we get a ReCAP of last Monday night. Which is supposedly the worst night in HHH's career. I can think of SO many worse with just a SECOND OR TWO. Whoooo. And I'm getting bored.

CoMMERCIAL

WOAH! Monday Nitro Ad?! Someone's not paying attention to the advertising money here...

The CaSTROL GTX SLaM OF THE WeEK -- from RaW IS WaR - LaST MoNDAY: Scotty Too Hotty turns a superplex into a rollup to win the Light Heavyweight Championship! DRIVE HARD!

This segues nicely into...
WWF LiGHT HeAVYWEIGHT CHaMPION SCoTTY ToO HoTTY vs. TaKA MiCHINOKU vs. DeAN MaLENKO for the LHW CHaMPIONSHIP BeLT

Hmmm... last week that was TAKA. Wazzit a screwup? Aw who cares, this ought to be pretty cool...

The bell rings before Dean is out as Taka and Scotty go at each other. Huge spinning heel kick from Taka, and Scotty rolls out. Now Dean's out (and apparently he's inherited the Radicalz music by default) and he prevents Scotty from getting back IN to the ring. They beat on each other for a bit -- superkick from Scotty! He rolls in -- charge from Taka -- Taka popped up over the top rope, landing on Malenko! Nice.

Taka rolls Malenko in, then has to run in quick himself to break up a pin from Hotty. Taka off the ropes... tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Scotty! Malenko takes him out and nails Taka with a backdrop for two. Scotty up on the top, takes down Taka, goes for the cross-body on Malenko, MISSES! Dean tries to whip Scotty into Taka in the corner -- Taka skips out and nails him with a spinning heel kick! Now Taka up top... but Scotty's right there, and crotches him on the turnbuckle!

Action's fast and furious here. Scotty going up... superplex setup... but Malenko's over, he puts Scotty on his shoulders... backing up... now Taka's up top again... stacked-up flying cross-body! DAMN! Hotty took the brunt of that, but Taka's momentum carried him away. All three down, count is on.

All three up, doubleteam on Scotty -- whipped to the ropes, but he holds on, so Dean nails Taka with a side Russian legsweep! Scotty over, pins them BOTH, but (unsurprisingly) only gets two. Malenko up and beating on S2H, then drops Taka belly-first on the top rope. Taka holds on, only to get nailed as Scotty misses Malenko and punches Taka in the face. Dean grabs S2H and hits a HUGE belly-to-back suplex. (Okay, so I *am* doing play-by-play, sue me.)

Malenko whips Scotty to the corner, then grabs one leg and sweeps the other. Texas Cloverleaf coming up! But Taka's up on the apron -- slingshot up to the top rope, top rope sunset flip on Malenko! But Taka can't hold on, and Dean puts the cloverleaf on HIM! Before Taka can tap, bulldog from Scotty on Malenko! Taka rolls out, and Dean is set up for the WORM! Crowd loses its mind.

Malenko rolls to the floor, Taka's back in, rushes Scotty who pops him up and over into a flapjack. S2H goes up to the top, top-rope jumping facebuster! 1... 2... 3! (Scotty, 4:30) Okay, that TOTALLY makes up for the last 30 minutes of crap. Hopefully the upcoming APA/Bossmen match will go well too.

But wait! Before Scotty can dance (much), Malenko waffles him with the belt from behind! Texas Cloverleaf! Ref's trying to get him to break the hold... now REFS are trying... Scotty's unconscious (like Malenko gives a rat's ass). Finally Dean breaks the hold. Play his music! Now THERE's a heel.

So how come Benoit never uses the Crossface anymore, but Malenko can still use the Cloverleaf? And why didn't D'Lo bitch about THAT, anyhow?

CoMMERCIAL

That Gauntlet Legends ad is FALSE ADVERTISING! Makes you think it's four-player! And, well, it IS... on the N64! No PSX multitap support, those fuckers! BLAAAH!

SToNE CoLD STRiKES -- from SMaCKDOWN, SePTEMBER 1999: Steve Austin interrupts a perfectly good Tag Team Championship Buried Alive match to kidnap HHH in an ambulance, and then RAM IT WITH A MACK TRUCK! (And that was one messed-up match, too... Rock and Sock vs. Big Show and 'Taker... 'Taker was practically a cripple, brawled with Rock to the backstage area and got attacked by Kane [I think], someone probably attacked Rock too, then there was that VICIOUS toss of Mankind off the stage, into the grave by Show... and THEN HHH hit Show with a sledgehammer... and THEN Austin arrived... whew!)

Hey! WWF INTeRCONTINTAL CHaMPION CHRiS BeNOIT comes out... to chat with us? How... odd... Say "aboot"! Say "aboot"! Benoit makes me wish I transcribed interviews. He takes umbrage at Jericho's IC challenge, and then just goes OFF on him. Hey, he has FOOTAGE! We see him pinning Jericho for the belt at Wrestlemania. (Remember, in spite of the fact that Angle was REALLY the champ.) You KNOW Y2J is coming out to rebutt this. Man, who has Benoit been taking promo lessons from? This is like TEN times better than he was when he left er... that OTHER company.

Then, as expected, the Y2J countdown hits, and we are graced with the presence of CHRiS JeRICHO! He says "BENOYT!" and calls Chris the Canadian Crappler again. Pretty standard Y2J egomaniac speech. Great line from Cole: "It's about wins and losses, it's not about popularity!" How wrong you are, how wrong you are...

Benoit accepts Y2J's challenge... and RUSHES him! They're brawling in the aisle! Refs are out, trying to seperate them... Benoit's down, Walls of Jericho on the concrete!! Benoit's tapping like a mofo... refs can't get Y2J to break the hold... finally he lets go and poses on the ramp and the crowd goes stark raving berserk... Benoit and Jericho meet at Backlash!

CoMMERCIAL

We come back to...
FaAROOQ (with BRaDSHAW) vs. BuLL BuCHANAN (with BiG BoSS MaN)

Okay, that explains why 'Rooq's wearing satanic tights and Bradshaw's wearing APA gear. I thought it was gonna be tag-team, couldn't figure out why the different outfits. I guess they must've seen one of those "EaRLIER ToNIGHT" clips (like we're seeing right now) and they want REVENGE. Or, at least, Faarooq does... maybe Bradshaw's tired or something... hey, why am I complaining, it keeps Bossman out of the ring, am I right? Am I right?

Is it me or do the Acolytes headline every other Heat? Sure, I could check, but I'm just too damned lazy...

Faarooq starts off with punches, and they quickly take it outside, with Bull being whipped to the barricade then thrown back in. Whipped to the corner... but he's up and out with a clothesline! Backbreaker gets Bull a two-count.

Faarooq tossed out, Buchanan distracts the ref... but a little too late I guess, as Bossman backs off before he can do any damage. Bull out as well with a double axehandle. Both men back in... woah! They announce that Tazz lost the ECW belt last night! I wonder when they recorded THOSE lines? They also announce that, as expected, these four men meet at Backlash.

More corner to corner work from both men, then a sloppy bulldog from Buchanan in the middle of the ring. Off the ropes... HUGE spinebuster from Faarooq, and he covers... 1... 2... and Bossman's there to pull Faarooq out. Into the steel post! But here comes Bradshaw! He beats down Bossman then rolls him into the ring, where he's unfortunately quickly doubleteamed. Bossman shoves down Ref Teddy Long, both men beating on Bradshaw, and then

KABOOM

HOLY SHIT! KANE! HOLY SHIT! KANE!

Out come KaNE and PaUL BeARER. The big red machine moves inexorably to the ring. Bossman stands his ground as Bull and Bradshaw are brawling outside near the announce table. Kane in, Bossman ducks the clothesline, but spins around into THE CHOKESLAM! MONSTER one, too! Arms up... FOUR CORNER PYRO!

We get a replay of the chokeslam as Bearer gloats and the Bossmen stagger away... and we are OUT of here!

Oh yeah, (No Decision)

It's very odd. Originally I felt that this was a pretty blah episode, but seeing it again I enjoyed it quite a bit. I *think* that my original reaction was due to the CONTINUOUS CRAPPY WEATHER we had for a few days, but today it was sunny so I'm happy. I mean, damn, I got KANE, BENOIT, JERICHO, and a kick-ass LHW match. Who am I to complain?

Who am I?