As we approach Backlash, I ask the eternal question: We gonna get any matches this week, or do we have to sit through an hour of recaps?

As I watch the credits of "The Expendables", USA chooses to hype some upcoming movie that, I guess, involves cockroaches. I really can't be bothered to explain more, other than use this to ask -- would it really be so bad for the WWF to change networks?

WWF ATTiTUDE

We get a quick ReCAP of Stone Cold Steve Austin blowing up a bus.

INTRo

PYRo -- so I guess we ARE getting matches?

Apparently so!

D'Lo BRoWN vs. AL SNoW (with Blackman's music and a modification of Blackman's entrance video)

TWo WeEKS AGo ON SMaCKDOWN D'Lo turned on the Godfather, while Blackman turned on Snow one week ago tonight.

As we saw earlier this week, Snow is dressing, looking, and yes even ACTING like his good friend, Steve Blackman.

Snow takes charge early with a headlock takedown, but Brown is back up quickly. Quick to and fro, including a nice move where Snow twists D'Lo's arm and then sweeps his leg. Lethal kick! Blackman's falling fist to the head! This is pretty cool.

D'Lo comes back with a flying heel kick and a loud, "You suck!" for Snow's troubles. He takes charge with some punches and more trash-talking, which illicits some punches and a whip to the ropes, followed by a backdrop over the top. On the outside, Snow takes D'Lo to the steps and the barricade. Snow up... moonsault off the barricade! And it MISSED! (Ouch!)

D'Lo brings Al back into the ring, but can't capitalize. More brawling, then Snow x-blocks a front kick (cool!) and tries a punch, but D'Lo dodges and takes him down by the hair. Patented Legdrop! Up on the ropes, calling to the crowd!

Snow whipped to the corner and backdropped as he bounces out. In the far corner, he grabs the nunchukus! Swings at D'Lo -- ducked! D'Lo setting him up for the running powerbomb... but Snow still has the weapon, and nails D'Lo right in the head! Ref calls for the bell, and rightly so at that. (Brown via DQ, 3:37)

D'Lo is out, but Snow doesn't care and beats on him for a bit. D'Lo's music plays, Snow looks scary, and we cut to the announce table...

Our hosts this week are MiCHAEL HaYES and KeVIN KeLLY. (I guess because Cole will be doing the Backlash preview and they're still pretending that Heat is happening today.)

EARLIER TODAY at BACKLASH, Trish Stratus and T&A arrived.

CoMMERCIAL

Two commercials, and then the the voice of Michael Cole shows us the MCI Center (which I've walked past), site of BACKLASH, and then endorses products for advertising revenue.

He then leads into a ReCAP of the Dudley/T&A feud, including (drool) shots of Trish taunting Buh Buh Ray.

Michael Cole is trying to INTeRVIEW Buh Buh Ray Dudley, but Buh Buh is sitting in a dark room, chanting, "I love you Trish... I hate you Trish... I love you Trish..." which is actually REALLY FUCKING CREEPY. Cole decides he'll come back later.

Coincidentally, the LuGZ BoOT OF THe WeEK, from SMaCKDOWN - 3 DaYS AGo is Albert putting Buh Buh Ray through a table after Trish er... massaged his scalp. DECIDE AND CONQUER!

CoMMERCIAL

The CaSTROL GTX SLaM OF THe WeEK, from SMaCKDOWN - 3 DaYS AGo, is Crash Holly (the Houdini of Hardcore) regaining the Hardcore Belt after the Hardyz beat the crap out of each other. DRIVE HARD!

Ooh! Another match!

VaL VeNIS vs. (THe REAL LeTHAL WeAPON) STeVE BLaCKMAN

Twenty to one Snow does a run-in!

This oughta be a good match at least. Lockup to the corner, Val takes charge with punches and kicks. Blackman flips to dodge a kick off the ropes, gets swept but pops back up. Val rolls out after a Blackman offensive flurry, runs halfway around the ring, and then rolls back in and ambushes Steve as the latter comes in.

Into the corner for some beating and choking -- whipped to the far corner, but Blackman reverses it and takes control. Whoops! Spoke to soon, Val flips Blackman out under the top rope. Brawling on the outside, Blackman dropped on the barricade, but then reverses a whip into the stairs.

Steve throws Val in this time, covers -- only gets two. Val reverses a whip, but Blackman holds on... as he rushes, Val powerslams him and covers for two. Blackman hits his own slam and floats over for another two. Val slammed in the middle of the ring -- Blackman off the top, hooks the leg, ANOTHER two count! Big backbreaker, going up again -- second rope backwards splash, but Val gets his legs up!

Val up now and fighting, whipped to the ropes with the knee shot, and again -- Russian legsweep in the middle of the ring. Now Val's standing over Blackman and grinding. Val whips Steve to the corner -- Steve hits him, Val staggers back -- ref bump! Val hits a fisherman's suplex, but the ref's out... here comes Al Snow! (You all owe me twenty bucks.) Nunchukus to Val's head! Ref's back up, Steve's covering and gets the easy pin. (5:03) Val's unconscious, Blackman's celebrating... we're not sure if he knows that victory was courtesy of his ex-partner...

EARLIER TODAY at BACKLASH, Essa Rios and Lita arrived, and said something in Spanish that I didn't catch... but some tension between the two could be sensed.

This segways nicely into a Latino Heat ReCAP. As monstrous as that is. Oh yeah, isn't Eddie at the prom now or something? Luckily we see some kick-ass highlights from the previous Eddie and Essa matches.

Then we get footage of the burning DX express and the ominous words "STiLL To CoME..." What, MORE footage of a burning bus? We've SEEN it!

CoMMERCIAL

At BACKLASH, Michael Cole hypes the Big Show vs. Kurt Angle match, and then shows us a ReCAP of their burgeoning feud. This of course involves too many shots of Big Show being really silly.

(At this point, I can now view the pay per view event I purchased. But I'll stay with Heat JUST FOR YOU.)

Lillian Garcia INTeRVIEWS Kurt Angle, who by way of comparison to the odds he's overcome, insults her and her home town (Madrid, Spain!) He has footage! (Of Show dancing and being silly, and not following the three Is. Meanwhile the new Big Show theme from Aggression plays. Ugh.) He implies that Lillian's a whore, too. God I love Kurt Angle.

CoMMERCIAL

Woah! A WCW Slamboree ad! My mind reels.

GoDFATHER (with prosti... er, hos) AND KaI EN TaI vs. HeAD BaNGERS AND STeVIE RiCHARDS

Sho and Taka are, yes, dressed like pimps. And then they raise the roof. Holy crap! Taka and Sho do the Godfather's speech! "Is time... for errybody... to comeaboad... HO TRAIN! Issere any peepinzahooooz?!" That's just TOO FUNNY. Godfather then does it himself to pop the crowd.

As expected, Stevie's wearing the same outfit as the 'bangers.

Stevie wants to mosh... but misses. Sigh. Godfather looks confused.

Mosh and Sho start as Mosh "bows". God, I saw this two months ago. Full nelson flapjack gets an early two, then Mosh does the crane stance. Nice flying elbow from Sho out of the corner gets another two. TAKA is in, with the doubleteam -- sliding dropkick to the face! But Mosh slams him and tags in Thrasher. Rope to rope -- nice dropkick from TAKA! Thrasher plays possum in the corner... Taka turns around right into a nasty Steviekick!

Mosh back in, doubleteaming Taka then striking Sho and drawing Godfather out, distracting the ref for the tripleteam on Taka. Stevie in now... spins once, then back for a backbreaker that gets a two count. Mosh back in, kicking Taka in the corner, then choking him with his shirt. Stevie's in and wants a back splash... but Taka dodges! Both men crawling to their corners... Thrasher tagged, then Godfather! The pimp is on fire! All six men in... Ho Train on Stevie! Kaientai, Stevie and Mosh are brawling on the outside, Pimp Drop on Thrasher, and that's all she wrote. (Godfather and Kaientai, 4:26)

The ho's dance! Hey, that ref isn't Tim White! It's pretty funny that all the women are taller than Sho and Taka. (Probably a lot of it is the six-inch heels, but whatever.)

CoMMERCIAL

We are twelve minutes away from Backlash!

Lillian and Michael give us some shots of people arriving, including the McMahon-Helmsleys. Then they hype the main event. After some stammering, Lillian gives us a ReCAP of HHH vs. The Rock since Wrestlemania.

Now... we're eight minutes away from Backlash. Cole and Garcia are still jabbering -- oh, but Stephanie's about to make a "major announcement" regarding her father!

CoMMERCIAL

J.R. and the King are at their seats at Backlash... and "My Time" fires up -- out comes WWF WoMEN'S CHaMPION STePHANIE MCMaHON-HeLMSLEY! (So I'm actually sort of recapping the PPV... cool!) What's also cool is Steph's little blue mini-dress.

Oh god... she just said "arrested" -- PLEASE tell me they're not gonna do an arrest angle tonight. She and HHH have "so many memories from that bus -- especially in the back of the bus." Now that's just nasty. She'd LIKE to have Steve Austin arrested... but she'll let her family take care of business. Vince has a surprise for SCSA tonight. But it will come as no surprise when HHH wins tonight. So... what's the big announcement? ("ROCKY" chant busts out.) Her music plays... and we're out of here...

Boy, that was a waste of a segment...

Oh well. See you next week! As always, I am...