Unlike last week, I've been totally out of touch this weekend. (Spent it travelling.) So I have no idea what happened on Metal/Jakked, and no clue as to what's coming up tonight. So go ahead and surprise me, dammit!

This new USA movie about self-mutilation... well, the only thing I really have to say is that I'm not happy about having to endure TWO WEEKS of ads for this thing. And then USA rams that feeling home by showing a SECOND ad for it just MOMENTS after the first.

WWF ATTiTUDE

INTRo (no pre-story this week)

PYRo (and we are ONE WEEK from JUDGMENT DAY)

MaTT HaRDY (with... no, wait, by himself) VS. VaL VeNIS

No storyline here, but it could be a good match. No opening speech from Val, either.

Grappling to start, into the corner. Ref has to break them up, then Val attacks with punches and kicks. Matt gets to the apron and tries to suplex Val out (like any of us think that'll work), Val pops him up and drops him chin-first on the apron. Val goes outside and attacks for a bit before a whip is reversed and he hits the steps.

Back into the ring. Val slammed down, Matt going up top. Big yell and a nice leg drop. Hooks the leg, gets two. He telegraphs a back drop, allowing Val to regain the advantage and hits his two clotheslines in the corner. Then in the center of the ring he NAILS this nice backdrop suplex into a sitout powerbomb -- this gets him a two-count.

Val sets up Matt on the top rope, going up for a superplex. Punches exchanged, still working it -- tossed off! Val comes back over, but Matt yells and nails a tornado DDT! I have to say, I am really not a fan of Matt pausing before his moves to yaup loudly. It kills the pacing and leads to a reversal 75% of the time.

At any rate, this time it works and he rolls up Val for two. He stands up and loudly calls for the Twist of Fate. He picks up Val and tries to set him up, but Val runs him into the corner. As Cole says, when your opponent TELLS you what hold they're gonna use, it's not too hard to counter it.

BaCKSTAGE, TRiSH STRaTUS asks TeST and ALBeRT what's so exciting about a Hardy boy. We learn she's not too keen on Matt, but Val... she strongly hints that Val *should* win this match. Test and Albert nod with understanding. Luckily, this was splitscreened with the actual match, something I'd like to see more often -- we got to see a side Russian legsweep by Val get turned into a neckbreaker by Matt.

Matt takes Val down twice by his hair, then whips him HARD into the corner. Suplex in the center of the ring, and a cover gets two. Suddenly Albert runs down the ramp! He's up on the apron distracting the ref while Matt blocks a spinebuster attempt from Val and nails the Twist of Fate. He covers, but Test is in the ring! Matt up, BIG boot to the face. As Albert and Test stand on the ramp with approval, Val staggers to the top rope -- Money Shot! He hooks the leg, and it's over. (Venis, 5:32) T&A helpfully split the bottom and second ropes for Val's exit. Val seems more confused than thankful.

My roommate and I agree that having Val join up with T&A would be pretty cool, especially if he went to the all-black outfit.

Our hosts are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE. Coming up tonight - Edge and Christian defend their belts against Too Cool!

Speaking of which, BaCKSTAGE, EDGe and CHRiSTIAN discuss wrestling and Abe Lincoln. KuRT ANGLe arrives to wish them luck, as well as hint that they would make a great three-man team. He was in the Olympics!

Now, maybe I'm thinking too hard about this, but do you think that they're setting something up by linking Val with T&A and Angle with Edge & Xian on the same show? That could make a nice six-man for Judgment Day...

CoMMERCIAL

D'Lo BRoWN (already in the ring) VS. HaRDCORE HoLLY

At SMaCKDOWN - LaST THuRSDAY Crash Holly took out his cousin in order to win the Hardcore Belt for the SEVENTH time?! Damn!

D'Lo gets started early, putting Holly on his shoulders while Hardcore was posing, and then dropping him backwards. Nice powerslam off the ropes gets an early two. D'Lo just looks EVIL these days. He takes down Holly with an elbow of the ropes and then talks some serious smack.

Flying heel kick takes down Hardcore and leads to the Patented Legdrop, and then a vertical suplex for two. It's been ALL D'Lo so far. He stomps Holly in the corner, and calls to the crowd, yelling, "Who sucks now?!" The crowd wins me over by replying "YOU SUCK!" We're talking the first five or six rows of two sections or so, all in unison. VERY funny.

Slammed in the center of the ring, D'Lo's going up -- big moonsault! He hooks the leg, and gets another two. Holly looks DEAD. Whipped into the corner, and again, but stops a charge with a big boot. Now he's getting some life back -- nails some clotheslines but gets backdropped out of the ring.

Holly staggers to the apron, and D'Lo nails him with a baseball slide, sending him into the announce table. The ref has the 10-count going, but he's watching Holly and doesn't see THe GoDFATHER come hustling down the ramp. He hits the ring, grabs D'Lo - Pimp Drop! (As the ref thinks, "Hmmm... I wonder what that massive thud was behind me? Ah, D'Lo just fell down! What a silly person!")

Holly drags himself into the ring, slowly picks him up -- Hollycaust! Cover, hooks the leg, and gets three. (Holly, 3:32)

What, are they saving the clean pins for the main shows this week?

BaCKSTAGE, Angle and the Blondes are still chatting. Angle's a fan of the five-second pose. Luckily, they've been practicing some new poses, including, "The Thought", "The Escape", and "Uh-Oh". Too Cool are OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE!

CoMMERCIAL

No, I'm STILL not going to watch "Cover Me!"

Cool! Edge and Christian get their own ReCAP! It's a little on the short side, I guess so they can fit in... oh, a Judgment Day promo. And then back to advertising. Bleagh.

CoMMERCIAL

The LuGZ WWF BoOT OF THe WeEK, from SMaCKDOWN - LaST THuRSDAY was Perry Saturn taking out Eddie and Chyna, on behalf of Dean... but WHY, Perry? WHY? DECIDE AND CONQUER!

Speak of the devil...

PeRRY SaTURN AND DeAN MaLENKO VS. AL SNoW AND THe LeTHAL WeAPON STeVE BLaCKMAN

Nice match set up for Judgment Day -- Saturn, Malenko, and Guerrero for the Euro Belt.

Before the bell, "Mamacita" hits the air and out come WWF EuROPEAN CHaMPION EDDiE GuERRERO AND CHyNA. They take seats with the commentators -- lets seen whose voice drives me nuts first! Eddie takes an early lead. He rants about Mamacita's honor and something as no one pays attention to this match but me. I suppose it's because even THEY know the interference is inevitable. Oh well.

Since the match is irrelevant, I'll just focuse on Al Snow's cool new martial-arts moves. When they bother to point the camera at the ring. He gets tagged in while we were watching Eddy, and works in a few armbars. Malenko goes to work on him, but we miss it. Nice blocks and then a spinning elbow to the back of Dean's head. Saturn back in and Al nails a drop toe-hold and tags Steve.

Snow gets tagged in a minute later and goes to town on Saturn with punches and a standing side kick. Huge back drop on Malenko. Then he accidentally whips Dean into Steve, but makes up for it by hitting a NICE enziguiri on Malenko, sending him out of the ring towards the announce table. As the ref is handling Saturn, Al, and Steve, on the outside Eddy whips Dean into a clothesline from Chyna, then stops him for a bit.

The finish -- Saturn takes a lethal kick to the face, and then Al Snow actually MISSES the assisted leg drop (oops), but Saturn sells it anyhow. That might've been a good match, but I saw about half of it. (Lethal Weapons, 4:16)

We get the legdrop from a more flattering angle in replay. But he STILL missed.

CoMMERCIAL

These Excitebike 64 ads are the funniest things I've seen in a long, long time.

Kevin Kelly's as excited as I am -- the PLaYS OF THe WeEK are back! Set this week to "BRaCKISH" by KiTTIE. Some of you out there might be a little annoyed that we get a glorified advertisement instead of a match - BUT NOT ME!

CoMMERCIAL

YES!

ESSa RiOS (with LiTA) VS. JeFF HaRDY (with... no, wait, he's by himself too.)

Remember -- tomorrow night after RAW, MTV's premering the music video "The Kings"!

Seeing them seperately reminds us just how much more personality Jeff has than Matt.

Can I just say that I'd *really* like people to start selling Essa's hair-grease flick at the beginning of matches?

Nice punching combo from Rios to start, then whips Jeff to the corner and gets popped up, over the ropes, to the apron. Jeff spins around, Essa grabs his fist -- goes up to the top turnbuckle, SWEET flying headscissors! Then he gets drop toe-hold'ed into the second turnbuckle. Essa tries a front kick, but Jeff grabs it and throws him into a backflip, ONTO the top rope! Jeff up top now -- guillotine legdrop! Okay, this just rules.

Dragged to the center of the ring, Essa gets his shoulder up after a two-count. Snap suplex, and Jeff goes up again... corkscrew moonsault, but Essa rolls out of the way! Essa staggers up and covers -- Jeff kicks out at two as we get a replay of that moonsault.

Huge spinning heel kick off the ropes from Rios, then a choke in the corner. He whips Jeff to the far corner, and Jeff flips up onto the top turnbuckle. Essa running in -- dropkick to the back, and Jeff falls backwards, caught in the Tree of Woe! Rios setting up -- Dropkick of Woe! More stomps on Jeff, who's still caught.

Essa finally pulls him down and locks on a chokehold. Jeff powers up and drops down for a jawbreaker. Both men down as we get a nice shot of lovely Lita. Essa up first and continues the offensive. Jeff reverses a whip to the ropes -- Essa springboards off the second rope with a cross-body, but Jeff meets him in midair with a dropkick! Youch!

Essa rolls out of the ring selling the stomach hit, and then takes a baseball slide for his troubles. Jeff goes to the ring apron -- Asai moonsault! But Rios dodges this moonsault as well! He rushes Jeff, who tries to pop him up for a drop on the apron, but Rios makes it all the way up, and tries his own Asai moonsault -- and this one is on the money! Essa pulls Jeff up as Lita gets onto the apron... she's not... Asai moonsault from Lita! But Jeff dodges, and she nails Essa!!

Jeff tosses Rios back in and calls for the Swanton. He goes up, and there it is! Hooks the leg, 1... 2... 3! (Jeff, 4:58)

Lita's in, playing concerned. Essa's a bit upset at his woman moonsaulting him, and unable to get through to him, Lita goes off up the ramp.

BaCKSTAGE, Angle is still hanging out with Edge and Christian. They subtley hint that he should do a "run-in" for them if they're in any trouble, but he just doesn't get it. Finally Christian says it to him flat-out. As they walk off, we're STILL not sure that Angle knows the score.

Also BaCKSTAGE, ToO CoOL is walking and talking trash! Really, REALLY badly at that.

CoMMERCIAL

The RC EDGe MaXIMUM PoWER CoLA OF THe WeEK (or something) from HeAT - LaST SuNDAY was Edge setting up this match by spearing Scotty Too Hotty out of the Worm. Not just cola -- POWER COLA!

WWF TaG TeAM CHaMPIONS EDGe AND CHRiSTIAN VS. ToO CoOL for the WWF TaG TeAM BeLTS

My prediction -- either the Angle run-in doesn't happen, or it's nullified by a RIKISHI run-in. Or we start that possible six-man feud I mentioned earlier. Of course considering popularity levels, Too Cool/Rikishi is a much more likely opponent than T&A/Venis for Angle and the Blondes.

Edge and Sexay start as Edge mocks the dance. Some quick action, offense and counters from both men. Sexay takes the lead with a suplex and tags in Scotty. In theory this is a doubleteam, but they do a lot more posing and dancing than actual wrasslin'. Suplex from Scotty follows the double elbowdrop, and he covers and gets two.

Tag to Christian, who trades armlocks with Scotty. More back and forth action, and another suplex. Hmm... Too Cool not really impressing me here, but the crowd is going apeshit for the dancing.

Finally some decent offense from the Blondes as Edge distracts Scotty, who turns back around into a spinning heel kick from Christian. They draw out Sexay and doubleteam Scotty nicely, good heel tactics here. Christian rushes into a big boot in the corner -- who will tag out first?

Edge and Sexay both in, Grand Mastah is a house on fire! Slams for both men, but Edge ends the run -- they go for a double suplex, but Sexay turns it into a double DDT! Cover on Edge, but Christian breaks it up! Scotty in as well -- they make a wish with Edge's legs, and then hit Christian with a drop toe-hold, sending him face-first into Edge's... er, lower extremities. Now THAT is not cool.

Edge rolls out, Scotty off the ropes with a facebuster for Christian, and yes, he follows it, as always, with the Worm. Christian rolls out, and then takes a sliding dropkick to the face from Sexay. As Sexay goes out after him, Edge hits the ring and spears Scotty. He makes a cover, but the ref is outside with Christian and Sexay.

Sexay goes up top as Christian argues with the ref -- Hip-Hop Drop! As Scotty makes the cover, Angle hits the ring for the save. Unfortunately, this is right in front of the ref... (Too Cool via DQ, 5:32) Angle and the Blondes start destroying Too Cool.

But here comes Rikishi! He cleans HOUSE! Big splash in the corner on Angle! Butt-splash from Too Cool! Butt-splash from Rikshi! Setting up for the stinkface... but Angle squirms out under the ropes!

Too Cool and Rikishi are dancin', the crowd is jivin', and we are out of here... we were a little light on the clean pins this week, but hey, these things happen. See you before Judgment Day!