I watched WrestleMania 2000 the other day......for the first time. I'm guessing you hate me now?

BANG! BANG! FIREWORKS! EVEN THOUGH THIS IS ONLY HEAT! IT'S UK HEAT! Oh great, it's Kevin "Triez But Failz" Kelley and this week's chosen Michael........ is...Michael Hayes.

It's 3.20 on a Sunday afternoon and British people are soft, kind and gentle, so Kevin can't possibly bring himself to say "Hardcore Evening Gown Match". Kevin laughs.....and laughs....and it's the most annoyingly fake laugh known to man. Okay Kev, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Maybe a match would shut him up.....

HARDCORE HOLLY vs GANGREL:.....Maybe I was a bit too optimistic. They are still talking about the friggin evening gown match. Gangrel's entrance is so cool - it's a real shame his gimmick sucks. Commentators talk about Fac-Gime-X and the IC title scene as Holly and Gangrel go all 80s on us. Did Holly buy his trunks at the Early Learning Centre? In-ring action picks up with the infamous Kevin Kelley "double-underhook suplex" by Gangrel, then a nice pair of reversals ends with a backslide by Gangrel that gets 2. Everybody's favourite racing car driver finishes off Gangrel with WHAT A DROPKICK and a Falcon Arrow, and I've got "Wake me up before you go go" stuck in my head.

Let's head to somewhere I don't care about. I think it's WWF New York. Say, d'ya reckon Mick Foley went to the barber's with a picture of Tank Abbott? Jesus, is that GENE OKERLUND asking for his autograph???? Ahhhhh, Billy Gunn is such a nice guy. Maybe that's why DX dosen't like him.

ESSA RIOS vs STEVIE RICHARDS: Wow, two guys I really like. I genuinely thought Stevie was dead. Essa has new trunks and I bet Lita interferes. Rios bounces off the ropes shitloads, but IT NEVER GETS BORING!!!! Then he corkscrews the shit out of Richards on the outside, but only gets a 2 count when he rolls him back in. Stevie gets the upper hand again, and the opportunity to showcase that he actually HAS TALENT. Commentators talk about......Fac-Gime-X. Although by some freak of nature Hayes has actually mentioned Stevie's potential a couple of times in this match; must be an accident. Rios officially breaks the world record for Most Bounces Off The Top Rope whilst simultaneously making Stevie look great. Steviebomb gets a 2 count, before Essa fights back with chops galore. Tornado DDT is countered but the hurricanrana off the top gets Stevie goooood. THE MOONSAULT, and there's the Steviejob. And Lita is nowhere to be seen. Sooooo, was it one of those nasty HHH/Chyna kinda break-ups? Does that mean Lita is vulnerable? Heyheyhey. That was one of the best Heat matches this year.

Shawn Michaels plays baseball! REALLY? AMAZING!

Sergeant (S)laughter plays golf! Well actually it's Jerry Lawler, but I think Sarge organised it all.

Ha, ha.......Lawler is sooooooooooo funny......ha, ha........he's......ha, ha....he's....CHEATING! LOOK EVERYBODY - JERRY LAWLER IS CHEATING! AND IT'S........ha, ha......IT'S SO FUNNY.

MOSH (without Thrasher) vs MIDEON (without talent): Help me. I think both men will lose. Mosh actually looks good and even gets a few girly screams when he takes his top off, ha, ha. Commentators talk about tonight's tag title match, and the world realises just how much the tag team scene has improved since these two guys were in the thick of things. Match is inside and outside and maybe I was being a little bit harsh before, it's not really THAT bad. OMIGOD, it IS that bad, MIDEON JUST WON! Is HILBILLY JIM booking this? Holy shite.

And now, let's take a special peek at Smackdown! which was on Saturday and definitely not Thursday, definitely not. Wowee, we're gonna get the whole 6, um 9, um 12, bear with me.....15-man tag match. The Undertaker's new(ish) look is really, really bad. Okay, it's not the actual look, it's just the fact that he's the Undertaker - they should have given the look to somebody new. I'm wondering - does Mark Callaway REALLY BELIEVE he is an American Badass?! Ha, ha, ha!
Oooooh, Val Venis sells JUST like Ted DiBiase.
I take my hat off to Fac-Gime-X. I mean, it's like absolutely everybody hates them. That's quite an accomplishment.

THE MASSIVELY OVER ACOLYTES vs THAT BIG UGLY CROSS-EYED FREAK PERRY SATURN AND...UM....SOME GUY: The Acolytes are so damn over. Remember when Rick Martel blinded Jake Roberts with Arrogance? And when Roberts came back and did some shows with that REALLY ridiculous fake eye?...I KNEW Saturn reminded me of someone. This match is good shit, as all four men brawl to start and it ain't much of a surprise that Saturn and D'Lo end up losing THAT little contest. Justin "Champagne" Bradshaw (he's made a movie, don't ya know) beats D'Lo so bad that nobody will ever recognise him again, then Saturn gets the tag but dosen't fare much better. BRADSHAW IS A DESPICABLE RACIST HOMOPHOBE. Nasty heel tactics turn the tide and remind us that Bradshaw hurt his knee a few years back. Maybe that's why he's got a really fat ass. Or maybe he's just got a fat ass and it's nothing to do with the knee. Finally it's the double tag and Ffaarrooqq goes nuts. SOMEBODY CALL THE FIRE BRIGADE. Saturn gets a German suplex on a now-smouldering Faarooq, there's the bridge, but Bradshaw breaks the pin attempt up at 2. Dominator on Saturn! D'Lo breaks THAT one at 2 and it's a Ski-Hi on poor old Faarooq, but Bradshaw again makes the save. POWERBOMB FROM HELL by Bradshaw on Saturn, Faarooq covers, 1...2....3! Whoopee! Give those big bastards a title shot.

The whole show was only about 40 minutes long because of the live PPV stuff we missed out on, but the matches were pretty good especially Stevie against Essa Rios. To quote a few girls I've known: "It was just a bit......short."