It's a new booking cycle (or so I'm told), and thus a new batch of goddamned ON-TIME, COMPLETE, SUNDAY NIGHT HEAT REPORTS. Cross my heart, hope to die and all.

I was at King of the Ring last Sunday night, although unlike a certain Ninja Turtle, I had no luxury box. No, my girlfriend and I were in nosebleed balcony "obstructed-view" seats. To be honest, the seats were fine, we saw everything, and we were damned lucky to get them for $20 a pop the DAY BEFORE the PPV.

At ANY RATE, I just wanted to say that, hey, maybe I'm just a big mark (maybe?) but I had a blast. The girlfriend went nuts when Edge and Christian took their tag belts back. I marked out at the Venis/Guerrero match (yes I know Eddie's better but I've been a Val fan for a while) and the split-second when I thought Kane was getting the Heavyweight Championship.

Yes, there were periods of dullness (Bull/Crash), bizarre booking (Val/Rikishi) and utter horror (Hardcore match) but I loved the 4-way tag match, and the main event too. That's my line on the show -- thumbs up.

WWF ATTiTUDE

INTRo

PYRo

Tonight's drinking game: Everytime you hear the phrase, "genetic jackhammer", VOMIT.

Oh god, not that music...

ToO CoOL VS. KaI EN TaI

Later tonight -- Acolytes, Hardyz, and T&A in a six-man tag!

Funaki and Scotty start, Scotty plays to the crowd. Lots of stalling. Crowd does the clap as Scotty takes charge with an elbow off the ropes. Nice suplex, spins up, drops an elbow, kips up, moonwalks. God, I hate these guys. Sexay in, doubleteam posing elbowdrop. UGH. Struts, Funaki gets out with an eyerake and tags in Taka.

That doesn't last long -- Sexay dances on the second rope and nails a missile dropkick. He covers for two. Are we gonna get to see Taka or Funaki hit a single move?!

Scotty in, both men grab Taka's arms, run a wave through, and clothesline him down. Sexay out, Scotty to the ropes... but Sho pulls the top rope down and Scotty falls outside. Taka over -- slingshot plancha!

Funaki tagged in, Taka hits a drop toe-hold, Funaki holds him... dropkick to the face! But he goes up for a 'rana off the ropes and gets powerbombed. Sexay in, and he's on fire. (Two offensive moves equals face-in-peril?!) Taka tries to breakup the double team, but gets bulldogged out of the corner and, yes, there's the Worm. Salivate, dogs.

Double flapjack on Funaki, Hip Hip Drop ends it. (Too Cool, 4:14) I'm not a big fan of SQUASH. Cole says that Kaientai, "brought their A-game tonight." Fat lot of god that does them. Or maybe it was Kelly, I can't tell their voices apart.

We've got a stand-off in the middle of the ring... but Kaientai starts going with The Clap... and now they've got The Shades... the lights darken, and Too Cool and Kaientai dance in the center of the ring. Sho's not too bad but Taka's got less rhythm than Scotty... this lasts nearly as long as the match.

Please, someone, anyone, make Too Cool go away.

Our hosts are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE.

Sorry, was mistaken -- that six-man elimination tag is T&A&Trish vs. Hardyz and Lita. Acolytes are in some other match.

CoMMERCIAL

On Tuesday, celebrate the 4th of July by watching a movie about five British pop stars. Yeah, that makes sense.

Our hosts, in case you've forgotten already, are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE. (Whose voices I still have trouble telling apart.)

The Plays of the Week have been renamed JuST BRiNG IT, which this week is set to "YeAH, YeAH, YeAH" by UNCLe KRaCKER. This must be from the Shanghai Noon soundtrack (although they listed a different album) since they keep showing Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan in cowboy outfits. Kid Rock is here too, but someone else is singing for the most part.

CoMMERCIAL

I'd choose Heather, too.

The RiGHT GuARD XTReME ReWIND, brought to us by RiGHT GuARD XTReME SPoRT, from SMaCKDOWN - LaST THuRSDAY, shows CRZ losing his mind as Steve Blackman wins the Hardcore Championship and then mops the floor with the Mean Street Posse. No slogan.

JoEY ABS AND RoDNEY (with TWo-TiME, TWo-TiME, TWo-TiME HaRDCORE CHaMPION PeTE GaS) VS. D'Lo BRoWN AND CHaZ

For those of you who have forgotten, Chaz was once Beaver Cleavage. Err, that is, I mean he was Mosh. In between, he was Chaz.

We learn that D'Lo and Chaz have teamed up because they're both from New Jersey. There's more to it, supposedly they've been friends for years, train together, yadda yadda yadda, but the gist of it is that they're two buddies from New Jersey. And that's more than D'Lo and Perry Saturn had in common, so why argue?

Oh yeah, and they're wearing matching outfits.

One more thing -- I guess this is the end of D'Lo's heel turn?

Posse starts with a 3 on 2 beatdown. Rodney and Joey take out Chaz in the ring after clearing D'Lo out. More typical "distract ref, beat up face" stuff. Chaz comes back but Rodney comes in with a swinging neckbreaker. Elbow from Joey is followed quickly by a legdrop from Rodney... I have to admit, the Posse's gotten some skillz.

Nice backdrop suplex from Rodney, but he telegraphs a back body drop, which lets Chaz take some momentum back. Abs interference prevents the tag to D'Lo, however, and the Posse keeps up the beatdown, a suplex gets Joey a two-count.

Off the ropes Chaz hits a sunset flip for two, but can't capitalize on that. He starts making a comeback with punches out of the corner but an eye rake ends THAT one. It's not until he reverses a backdrop into a swinging DDT that he's able to tag D'Lo in for the revenge sequence. D'Lo gets the crowd alive, gets tagged in and rips some shit up. "WHASSUP WITH THAT, huh?!"

D'Lo works over Joey as Chaz pounds Rodney in the corner. Sky High is followed quickly by a rack-to-slam by Chaz on Rod. Pete Gas gets on the apron and gets taken down quickly, but drags Abs out of harm's way.

Chaz and D'Lo point to the corners, and quickly get to the top turnbuckle, far and near corners on the same side. Rodney staggers up -- Chaz comes off the top with a... flying Thesz press? Sure. He rolls out of the way as D'Lo comes down with his frog splash. 1, 2, 3! (D'Lo and Chaz, 4:45) Crowd gets up for the finish!

These guys could actually do well, and the Posse's gotten better. Nice.

BaCKSTAGE, PeRRY SaTURN is reading RAW Magazine, and is approached by someone... named Joe? I have no idea who this guy is. Joe hints that Gangrel (Saturn's opponent tonight) might've made some comments about Perry. Saturn wants details, so he locks Joe into some sort of arm and shoulder lock (my lack of hold knowledge comes into play here -- thank God they've turned Malenko into a pimp or it could get REALLY embarrassing for me) and Joe blurts out that Gangrel called him cross-eyed or something.

I think it's nice that they're trying to make us care about Saturn vs. Gangrel, but who the hell is Joe?

CoMMERCIAL

Speak of the devil... I guess it's time for me to embarrass myself.

WWF LiGHT HeAVYWEIGHT CHaMPION DeAN MaLENKO (with two prosti... er, ho's) is out to talk to us. Let's see... we learn he's having fun showing off his manhood. Are there any men who are man enough to take him on for the LHW belt?

The championship match words come up, but we don't know who the challenger is yet... wait, who's music is... what the...?

WWF LiGHT HeAVYWEIGHT CHaMPION DeAN MaLENKO VS. JaCQUELINE for the LHW BeLT

Malenko assumes Jackie's there to be one of his girls, and seems a little taken aback when she tells him she's there for the match. She's not a man! He says, "I was talking about manhood, not someone FROM the hood," and Jackie PASTES him one! The match is on!

So explain to me the difference between this match and Oklahoma vs. Madusa for the WCW Cruiserweight belt? No, I'm just kidding, I get it...

This should be short. Malenko takes her down a couple times, then nails a backbreaker and HOLDS it. Jackie flips out of a tilt-a-whirl backdrop, rolls into an armdrag, and dropkicks Malenko out of the ring! And the crowd LOVES it! Are we in Texas or something?!

Malenko's ladies are over to offer consolation, but Jackie nails a baseball slide to his back! In the ring, kicks dodged, formearms from Jacqueline! Malenko whipped to the corner, Jackie rushes in and jumps up for a 'rana, but Malenko catches her and turns around, putting her on the top turnbuckle. He goes for a punch, she BLOCKS, tries a tornado DDT, but he holds her up and drops her, standing, on the apron! He swings again, she drops to the concrete and pulls him down by his feet... to the ringpost -- OUCH! There's your manhood for you!

NICE sequence there. Crowd is HOT.

Jackie off the ropes, Malenko catches her for a back body drop, but NOW she hits the tornado DDT! Cover... 1... 2... NO!

Jackie to the ropes, she holds on and Malenko falls after a dropkick attempt -- she rolls over him with a bridge, and gets another two. Some more work in the corner, Jackie gets whipped in and pops up, Malenko grabs her legs and redirects her to the apron. He goes for a punch, she ducks and shoulderblocks him in the gut. Jackie to the top turnbuckle, she goes for a sunset flip, but absolutely MISSES him. Malenko locks in the Texas Cloverleaf, and Jackie taps. (Malenko, 2:42)

That match was way WAY *WAY* better than it had any right to be. Mad props to Jackie and Dean-O.

BaCKSTAGE, LiLIAN GaRCIA tries to interview T&A and TRiSH STRaTUS but gets about two words out of her mouth before Albert grabs the mike and... plays interviewer? "Lilian... Albert. You look good... I look better." Then he blocks her out of the shot! "So, T... or should I refer to you as Test?" "T's cool." "Hardyz. Lita. Us. Trish. Whaddya think?" "Well, I'm all for two chicks goin' at it. Like last night, when... well, that's beside the point. Anyways, Trish is our dish, and we ain't sharing her." "And to you, Trish?" "I beat her once, I can beat her again, c'est la vie!" "And to conclude, we provide the T, they provide the A, and we'll kick it!" They leave a very confused Lilian.

That was actually REALLY funny. More mike time for Albert!

CoMMERCIAL

The WWF SLaM OF THe WeEK, brought to us by TWiX, from KiNG OF THe RiNG - LaST SuNDAY, is Tori *finally* being put through a table. One with her name on it. IT'S ALL IN THE MIX!

I was worried for the Green Goddess, m'self -- she was favoring that shoulder long before she went through that table. I heard later that she got injured in an earlier house show?

PeRRY SaTURN VS. GaNGREL (with full entrance)

The vampire looks like he lost some weight, and they didn't give us the close-up, but I think he didn't do the silly walk down the ramp.

Saturn works Gangrel's previously-injured shoulder for a while, then the match devolves into a series of brawls, broken-up with a suplex or a slam. Not too exciting. LOTS of whips being reversed, but not much being worked off of it.

Eventually Saturn slams Gangrel in the center of the ring (it actually looked like he was gonna try the brainbuster but lost his grip) and then nails his elbow drop. (Saturn, 3:20)

Someone explain to me again why I used to be a fan of either of these guys? (Right, right, the entrance and music and the Brood... but Perry? "It's not about EVOLUTION..." naah, that can't be it...)

BaCKSTAGE, LiLIAN GaRCIA interviews THe HaRDY BoYZ and LiTA. Holy CRAP Lita's pants are slung low. Lilian reminds them that they didn't do well the last time they met T&A, so what are they going to do differently? Matt says that for first, maybe they'll WIN tonight! They've beaten them before, and all. Jeff calls Trish Goldilocks and Lita says something of little import.

So, wait, doesn't this make Lita... Nancy Drew? Or did someone already make that joke?

CoMMERCIAL

BaCKSTAGE, STeVEN RiCHARDS knocks on the door to the APA office. He goes in and rants at the APA for failing to live up to the responsibilities of being TV stars. They drink beer! And smoke! And gamble! The APA consider his words seriously... they realize that they've been living a lie... and then Bradshaw drops the act by threatening to stick his boot right up Stevie's ass.

If this is the extent of the Acolytes' participation in tonight's show, I'm pretty disappointed.

Next we get a ReCAP of The Rock and Wyclef on TRL for the premier of "It Doesn't Matter". Naturally, we get to see the video next. I really don't give a rat's ass.

CoMMERCIAL

The HaRDY BoYZ AND LiTA VS T&A AND TRiSH STRaTUS in a TaG TeAM ELiMINATION MaTCH

If someone's pinned, they're eliminated. Surviving team wins.

We get recaps from the history between these teams, such as Smackdown, 3 weeks ago, as well as King of the Ring.

Albert and Matt start. Matt hits a nice tornado DDT but Albert kicks out with authority. Matt tags Jeff, but stays in as Albert rushes the corner -- nobody home! Twist of Fate, Swanton Bomb, and now it's quickly 3 on 2. Matt takes out Test on the apron while Lita goes after Trish.

Albert and the Boyz roll out, Lita brings Trish in, dragging her over the top rope by her hair. Some punches... NICE suplex! Lita's going up... moonsault! 1... 2... 3! (Let's ignore the fact that I never saw Lita get tagged...) 3 on 1.

Albert carries Trish off over his shoulder while Test and Jeff get it on inside the ring. (Quick replay of Lita's moonsault.) Test tries a pumphandle, but Jeff goes over the top and tries a schoolboy, getting a two-count. Test reverses a whip and charges Jeff in the corner but eats two feet. Jeff up -- Swanton Bomb... but Test rolls out of the way! Test covers, and uses the ropes for leverage -- 1, 2, 3!

Matt comes in and hits a sweet hanging neckbreaker... tags in Lita? There's another neckbreaker, and Lita fills in for Jeff in the doubleteam legdrop. Test whipped to the corner, Matt on all fours, and Lita fills in for Jeff AGAIN on the assisted leg lariat! (She doesn't recover quite as well, though.)

Matt tries for the Twist of Fate, but gets shoved RIGHT into Lita, who sprawls out on the concrete. Here's The Grade, and we're down to... Test and Lita?

Lita's scared, Test says, "Come on!" and the crowd chants "Lita! Lita!" Test tries to drag her into the ring, but Matt interferes -- tornado DDT! Ref kicks Matt out of the ring... Lita up to the top rope... Test staggers up, HUGE huracanrana! Lita hooks the leg, 1... 2... no! Lita goes up AGAIN, Test staggering again, moonsault! Hooks the leg, 1... 2... NO!

Lita off the ropes... Test takes her HEAD off with a big boot! 1... 2... 3! (T&A&T, 4:23)

Kick-ass match -- crowd was on FIRE for the last Lita/Test segment.

Here's something -- about a year ago I was at a RAW taping in Worcester that had almost the exact same match, only it was The Brood vs. The Hardyz and Michael Hayes. Gangrel and Edge went out early (Edge got a stinger when Matt DDT'd him on the concrete) and then Christian cleaned house.

With the exception of that Saturn/Gangrel match, I gotta say, this was one sweet-ass Heat. See you next week!

As always, I am,