We're gonna do short and sweet with this sucker because... well because Heat wasn't really all that good this week. A couple nice matches at the end, but they couldn't save it...

WWF ATTiTUDE

INTRo

PYRo

GoDFATHER (with prosti... er, ho's) VS. BuLL BuCHANAN

This is as bad as you think it will be. Godfather gets his full speech. Bull, I do have to admit, has gotten a bit better since they split him off from the Bossman. (God, didn't I say that last week?)

Godfather's moving a little faster this week, but of course it's at the expense of skill so it really doesn't help much. Buchanan hits a top-rope double axehandle, and Kelly says, "Name me a big man who can fly like Bull," and I say, "Kane". The axehandle gets a two-count.

Buchanan goes up for something and manages to leap directly onto the top turnbuckle, this lets the Godfather take charge. He goes for the Ho Train, but Buchanan pulls ref Timmy White right in front of himself as a human shield. Godfather hits the Pimp Drop on Buchanan (which is pretty damned impressive), but, you know, no ref.

Then TaZZ runs down the ramp and chokes out the Godfather with the Tazzmission -- toss that Canadian theory out the window.

Buchanan hits a top-rope legdrop, but Tim White's come to and DQ's him at (2:57). Whee.

Our hosts are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE. Later tonight, Edge and Christian take on the Dudleys!

BaCKSTAGE, the aforementioned EDGe AND CHRiSTIAN see their matchup on the all-powerful white board. The decide they can probably convince the Dud's not to use the 3D or tables tonight, and make some Bushwackers references. It doesn't really get funny until they walk off doing the swinging arm thing that the Bushwackers used to do.

CoMMERCIAL

The WWF BuRN OF THE WeEK, brought to us by STaCKER 2, from RaW - LaST MoNDAY, is DX getting the drop, and a few sledgehammer shots, on Jericho. THE WORLD'S STRONGEST FAT BURNER!

PeRRY SaTURN VS. ESSa RiOS

Poor Essa. I do have to say this is one of the better Saturn matches I've seen on Heat, and we learn why when TeRRI saunters out at (0:15). Ah, I get it! Put Perry in an angle with a hot chick and he is happy! (Wouldn't any of us be?)

Some back-and-forth action and we almost miss a second-rope t-bone suplex from Saturn because we're looking at Terri instead. Saturn's all over Rios here, hits a military press slam and then a legdrop, hooking the leg afterwards for two.

Rios hits a jawbreaker and a spinning heel kick, but then screws up his flippy-floppy armdrag AGAIN, apparently forgetting Saturn that he has to flip, so Rios just lands on his feet and rolls him up in a small package.

Some more near falls for both men, Rios goes up for his moonsault, but lands on his feet as Saturn rolls out of the way... then eats a superkick. Saturn slams him in the middle of the ring, then hits the elbowdrop for the pin at (3:25).

Terri seems happy and scampers off.

Next we get a ReCAP of Mick Foley in Southeast Asia. Foley makes some TERRIBLE puns.

CoMMERCIAL

Out of commercial we get another ReCAP, this time learning about Kurt Angle's accidental feud with the Undertaker.

BaCKSTAGE, THaT JoE (E. LeGEND?) GuY tries to insult Kaientai on behalf of Chaz and D'Lo, but of course they don't speak English. Finally he insults them in Japanese, and they get pissed. Would have been funny as a 10-second skit, instead it was about 30. Maybe I'm being too harsh because I'm really tired, I dunno.

CoMMERCIAL

Go to WWF New York. Maybe you'll get to dance with The Cat. (You probably won't.)

D'Lo BRoWN AND CHaZ VS. KaI EN TaI

Kaientai hit the ring hard, running in since, you know, they were insulted in Japanese. Chaz gets tossed and they try to doubleteam D'Lo, but fail miserably. I think we all know who's winning this one. We see the same D'Lo and Chaz offense we saw in their past couple of outings. Then, this is great, Kelly compares D'Lo and Chaz to the New Age Outlaws. We can only be so lucky.

Blind tag from Taka lets him hit a sweet springboard missile dropkick, and Chaz is the face-in-peril. Gotta love the dropkick to the face.

Taka hits some stiff kicks to the back of Chaz's head, he's taking it hard, then he's able to dodge Funaki on a blind charge and backdrop suplex him. D'Lo comes in, he's on fire, takes out both of them and hits a double patented legdrop. Funaki gets tossed out, and Chaz racks Taka into the corner.

Funaki tries to save Taka from the superplex but gets double-slammed, and D'Lo and Chaz hit the superlex-into-frog splash finisher at (5:09). This was the best match of the night, easily, and even it didn't really get my energy up.

BaCKSTAGE, CHRiSTIAN asks BuH-BuH RaY DuDLEY if they could avoid pulling tables, since this is a non-title match. Buh-Buh Ray sees some of his old heelish ways in Christian and Edge, and says it'd be pretty uncool to put the world tag team champs through a table. He says Christian's all set. Christian: "No tables rule! See you out there."

CoMMERCIAL

The WWF SLaM OF THe WeEK, brought to us by TWiX, from RaW - LaST MoNDAY, is Edge getting the cheap win over Bradshaw with the help of Mr. Ring Bell. IT'S ALL IN THE MIX!

Speaking of Bradshaw... (they *always* do that)

BRaDSHAW (with FaAROOQ) VS. GaNGREL

Gangrel, we learn, is pissed about last week's loss alongside Mideon in that handicap match. And since he couldn't beat Bradshaw when he had someone *helping* him, he figures he can beat him one-on-one! (Vampires are dumb. Just watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)

With the exception of three moves (elbow, forearm, clothesline), Bradshaw just destroys Gangrel, beating him with the Clothesline from Hell at (1:40).

BaCKSTAGE, EDGe asks D-VoN DuDLEY to hold back on the violence -- no 3D tonight. This isn't quite as funny as the previous bit, D-Von's not quite as good as Buh-Buh, but Edge is pretty damned funny.

CoMMERCIAL

Once again, our hosts are KeVIN KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE. I'm getting better at telling them apart, in case you care.

We needed the last main event ReCAP to complete the trifecta, and here it is... The Rock vs. Benoit and Shane.

BaCKSTAGE, THE DuDLEYS realize that they've kinda painted themselves into a corner with their promise to Christian not to put him through a table, and the promise to Edge not to use the 3D. They come to the obvious solution: put *Edge* through a table, and hit *Christian* with the 3D! (Remember, these are the good guys!)

CoMMERCIAL

WWF TaG TeAM CHaMPIONS EDGe AND CHRiSTIAN VS. THe DuDLEY BoYS in a NoN-TiTLE MaTCH

It's scary how over the Dudleys are. I think people were pretty sure they'd be over in the WWF, but over as *heroes*? That's just messed up.

Christian and D-Von start, Chris is a little reluctant to lock up. He gets taken down with an elbow, and then doubleteamed as Buh-Buh gets tagged in. He tags to Edge after Buh-Buh misses a blind charge, but Edge doesn't do much better. He takes down Christian on the outside, and D-Von hits the headbutt to the groin on Edge while the ref checks on Christian. Christian gets into the ring, and he gets his balls crushed too.

The Duds go outside for a table, but Edge and Christian recover and both hit with a baseball slide, knocking it into the heads of the Dudleys. As they pull the Duds back into the ring, a siren goes off and STeVEN RiCHARDS is out to get that horrible, corrupting, inappropriate table off our television and out of our lives.

D-Von gets beat down for a bit, but makes the tag to Buh-Buh Ray, who nails Edge with a Buh-Buh Cutter for a long two. He puts Edge up on his shoulders, D-Von clotheslines him off, and Christian just barely prevents the pin.

We've got Buh-Buh and Edge on the inside, while Christian reverses a whip to the steps on D-Von on the outside. Buh-Buh's going for a superplex on Edge, but Christian grabs Edge's tights, preventing the move, and sending Buh-Buh to the mat. Edge rolls him up tight, and Christian grabs Edge's feet on the top rope, getting the pin at (4:18).

The Dudleys get the moral victory afterwards, nailing Christian with a 3D and powerdropping (too tall for a bomb?) Edge through a table.

Next week we're heading into Fully Loaded, and hopefully I'll have had more sleep and be in a better mode. We can only dream.