I'm not gonna pretend I'm writing this while I'm watching it. I'm not. And I'm gonna be honest with you -- tonight's Heat just absolutely sucked. Particularly in comparison to the sweet matches we got in the first half-hour of last week.

VCR comes on in the middle of...

INTRo

PYRo

SCoTTY ToO HoTTY VS. WWF LiGHT HeAVYWEIGHT CHaMPION DeAN MaLENKO (with ladies) for the WWF LHW BeLT

Wow, I've never seen THIS matchup before. If this is a typical Malenko match, the finish will come out of nowhere.

Scotty flubs selling a takedown, which doesn't bode well for the rest of the match, which proceeds like every other Malenko/Scotty match we've ever seen. Lots of rollup reversals and suplex reversals.

See now the problem is that, writing this now, I *know* how the match ends and it just sucks the energy out of everything else they do. Watch me not care as Malenko slaps on a rear chinlock. Watch me not care as Scotty tries a backslide and Malenko kicks out at two.

This is actually kinda neat -- Malenko goes up for a superplex, but Scotty pushes him down and goes for a top-rope sunset flip. Malenko holds on, and gets powerbombed for his troubles! Scotty tries the bulldog out of the corner, but Malenko dodges it! Unfortunately he tries a backdrop suplex that Scotty flips out of, and THERE's the bulldog, and THERE's the Worm. Ugh.

Malenko rolls to the apron, Scotty tries to suplex him back in, but he flips out, rolls Scotty up, and puts his feet on the ropes for the pin out of nowhere. AGAIN. (Malenko, 5:44)

OuR HoSTS are KeVIN KeLLY & MiCHAEL CoLE, who hype Shane McMahon's Conspiracy.

BaCKSTAGE, KaI EN TaI are thumbwrestling when who should walk in but THaT JoE (E. LeGEND) GuY. Taka and Funaki keep calling him "Just Joe" as if that's his name. He tries talking to them in Japanese, and I guess he takes something the wrong way, because he storms out in a huff. Taka and Sho seem quite surprised.

CoMMERCIAL

BiG BoSS MaN (with nightstick) VS. AL SNoW (with HeAD)

Oh God, oh God no. These two should never be allowed in the same ring ever again. No, let's just say the Bossman shouldn't be allowed in ANY ring ever again.

Our announcers tell us again that no one knows who this Joe guy is. Well then CALL SECURITY ON HIM! If it were really that easy to wander around backstage in the WWF on-camera, don't you think more people would be doing it?

Our announcers actually talk about the competitors in THIS match for a few seconds. Cool spot -- Bossman is leaning up against the turnbuckles when Snow starts laying into him... four punches and he drops to the second rope... four punches then the first... then all the way down. Neat!

But that's pretty much the only neat spot in the match. After a backdrop suplex, both men start crawling to their respective corners and their respective foreign objects. Bossman's got the nightstick, and Snow's got Head -- crowd does pop for Head which is kinda cool. Ref Mike Chioda's trying to get them to drop those weapons -- both men rush in, Snow ducks Bossman's swing and nails him in the groin with Head, causing a DQ. Or, not, for some reason. Instead Chioda just takes Head away, turning his back so Bossman can nail Snow in the head with the nightstick while Snow is going for a sunset flip. Snow's down, Bossman's clutching his own crotch in pain, but somehow manages to get the pin. Wheee. (Bossman, 2:38) What a shitty match, which served no purpose whatsoever.

BaCKSTAGE, CoMMISSIONER MiCK FoLEY is having some sort of power trip when in walk T&A. Albert plays Guildenstern to Test's Rosencrantz, who asks for a match against Rikishi after having suffered a stinkface last week. Mick seems a little more interested in his lava lamp. He tells Albert not to interfere, or he'll book him in a county fair as George Steele Jr!

ALSo BaCKSTAGE, JoE approaches... holy shit, SGT. SLaUGHTER, who's busy doing... um, inventory? Despite Slaughter having never heard of Joe, he listens closely as Joe claims that Taka and Funaki were bad-mouthing America's education and children! He orders Joe to go tell Kaientai that he ain't happy! Then he calls him "maggot"!

CoMMERCIAL

As we come back we get a ReCAP of Steven Richards' censorship campaign against the WWF, along with his recruit Bull Buchanan and his convertee the Good Father.

BaCKSTAGE, KaI EN TaI are working out, and in comes JoE to tell them that Slaughter ain't happy with them! They make fun of Slaughter's gut and chin, so Joe says he'll get them a fight.

ALSo BaCKSTAGE, CoMMISSIONER FoLEY is... ripping off some movie scene? Beats me. But in comes CHyNA to suggest that since Rikishi has to work tonight, so should Val Venis. And it should be a title match. Against a former IC champ. Foley: "Tito Santana!" Chyna: "No... more feminine." Foley: "Pat Patterson!" Chyna: "Cuter." Foley: "Oh, you want the title shot for yourself!" He gives it to her, she is all happy and looks like she's gonna hug him, but he gets DISSED!

Foley, thank you for making this show worth watching tonight. I love you, man.

CoMMERCIAL

The WWF SLaM OF THe WeEK, brought to us by 1-800-CaLL-ATT, from FuLLY LoADED - LaST SuNDAY, is Rikishi coming off the top of the cage with the splash on Venis. Oh c'mon, you KNEW they were gonna do that spot! Still a markout moment though.

RiKISHI VS. TeST (with ALBeRT and TRiSH STRaTUS)

Rikishi squash alternates with illegal doubleteam until the ref catches the latter, leading to the disqualification ending. If you're keeping track, Test did get Stinkfaced. (Rikishi via DQ, 1:58) So I guess we're calling Albert "Georgie Jr." now?

Test and Albert attack Rikishi until Too Cool come in to make the save. Then they dance. I am so sick of Too Cool.

BaCKSTAGE, JoE tells SGT. SLaUGHTER that Kaientai wants a fight. He's just the messenger! The Sarge takes the challenge, and says, "Move, maggot! You're dismissed!" Incidentally, I thought the interview with Slaughter during the Wrestlemania pre-show was one of the highlights of the show. That and Ivory screaming "Sell it!" at Michael Cole.

Where is Ivory, anyhow?

CoMMERCIAL

AIGH! IT'S THAT GODDAMNED CREEPY GREYHOUND AGAIN!

The WWF ReWIND, brought to us by RiGHT GuARD XTReME SPoRT, from SMaCKDOWN - LaST THuRSDAY, is Jericho badmouthing Benoit... until Benoit attacks from behind! Unfortunately we don't get to hear Jericho calling Lita the third best technical wrestler in the WWF this time. Get xtreme... GET RIGHT GUARD!

FuNAKI (with TaKA MiCHINOKU) VS. SGT. SLaUGHTER

As soon as the crowd figures out who's coming out, the front row POPS... and the rest of the crowd is dead. Our hosts put some effort into getting over the fact that this guy used to be, not just a WWF Heavyweight Champion, but THE MAN. They even hype the Slaughter Cannon and the Cobra Clutch.

Slaughter actually moves pretty well for a big, old guy, and I'm surprised because Funaki even gets some token offense off. Slaughter calls for the Cobra Clutch, but Funaki rolls out. Slaughter comes out after them and bonks skulls! Sho distracts the ref, allowing Taka to rabbit punch Slaughter in the back.

Funaki goes up for a splash, but Slaughter catches him and nails a backbreaker. Then another one! He covers, but only gets two. Slaughter Cannon! Her comes the Clutch... he locks it in, but goes to the apron to toss Taka into the ring! He whips him into Funaki, then tosses him back out. Cobra Clutch locked in again on Funaki, who throws in the towel. (Slaughter, 3:54)

So, what, is it in the Sarge's contact that he gets to wrestle on TV once every six months? I figure that's how long ago that match against Angle was.

CoMMERCIAL

OuR HoSTS, in case you missed it the first time, are KeVIN KeLLY & MiCHAEL COLE. They give us a ReCAP of the Big Show's return, and the formation of Shane's new stable.

CoMMERCIAL

EaRLIER ToNIGHT, Chyna got herself an Intercontinental title match!

CHyNA (with EDDiE GuERRERO and a rocket launcher) VS. WWF INTeRCONTINENTAL CHaMPION VaL VeNIS (with TRiSH STRaTUS) for the WWF IC BeLT

If *I* had a rocket launcher... I would not hesitate. Here come the helicopters... second time today... everybody scatters... oh, sorry, where was I?

What really pisses me off about this match is that Val was really carrying Chyna, and making me care about the bout, until WWF EuROPEAN CHaMPION PeRRY SaTURN (with TeRRI) ran in and attacked Chyna for the DQ win.

If you care about the match after hearing that, I'll let you know that Chyna did land her gymnast's splash. She also used a bit of psychology, going after Venis' injured ribs. She was definately working harder than I've seen her work in a while. And she did actually look like she might have a chance after DDT'ing Venis, just before Saturn ran in. (Chyna via DQ, 3:46)

Guerrero and Chyna do get their revenge on Saturn, suplexing him and clotheslining him out of the ring. Venis and Trish leave with one belt, Terri poses at the top of the ramp with another.

Blah.