Having been out of town all weekend, I have no idea what's coming up tonight... but in a lot of ways that can be a good thing...

I'm guessing that watching a tape of the recent Tajiri vs. Psicosis match directly before recapping Heat will impact my opinions slightly. Ah, whattayagonnado?

WWF ATTiTUDE

Last Thursday, Stone Cold Steve Austin made threats and promises. I fear we will hear about this many, many times tonight.

EaRLIER ToDAY, TeRRI sat on PeRRY SaTURN's lap while he asked her if she knew who hit Austin with a car. Holy crap, she DOES! No, wait, I'm lying. She's annoyed that he lost "their" belt. She tries to psych him up by having him imagine her getting beat up. No, I'm NOT lying. Then she KISSES him! Whatever happened to this being a business relationship?

INTRo

PYRo

Two weeks until Unforgiven!

PeRRY SaTURN (with TeRRI) VS. WWF HaRDCORE CHaMPION STeVE BLaCKMAN for the HaRDCORE BeLT

Damn, Terri's showing a LOT of cleavage and a LOT of leg.

Perry starts this match off the RIGHT way with a dive through the ring ropes to the outside! EVERY match should start with a suicide plancha in my opinion. Edge vs. Jeff Hardy? Suicide plancha. Rock vs. HHH? Suicide plancha. Lita vs. Stephanie? SUICIDE PLANCHA. Kane vs. Undertaker? SUICIDE PLANCHA!

After a whip to the stairs, Blackman goes under the ring and grabs some trashcan paraphernalia. He and Saturn brawl out into the crowd.

Al Snow is vacationing in Europe trying to get to know the people he's now representing.

Apparently Perry's eyes are explained in the latest RAW magazine, but our announcers don't spoil it for us. Too bad since I don't plan on buying the magazine. On the other hand, I really don't care.

THe brawl comes back to ringside and Perry hits a sweet Asai moonsault after hitting a clothesline off the barricade. We get a replay of the moonsault as both men grab trashcan lids and make their way into the ring. Saturn swings high, Blackman swings low to the knees and takes charge, LETHAL WEAPON STYLE. We get the spinning trashcan lid backhand swing to the head and Steve covers Perry for two.

Saturn comes back with his own can lid shot and bashes Steve in the corner. He hits a jackhammer suplex and goes up top, planning on the big elbowdrop. But Steve's up quick, and gets... a trashcan with a leather strap attached for swinging!

Swing, round, round, WHACK to Saturn's head, knocking him to the top rope, swing, swing WHACK and Saturn falls to the floor. Blackman fucking rules. He goes to the bag of tricks, out come the fighting sticks and he yells, "Ohhh it's PARTY TIME!" I can't MAKE THIS SHIT UP!

But Terri is in the ring, jumping on Blackman's back -- but he pulls her down over his knee and SPANKS her like the naughty girl she is! He picks her up for a fall-away slam? Saturn's up behind him... Blackman FLIPS Terri over his head into Saturn's arms, and then SUPERKICKS him in the chest! Both Saturn and Terri fall in a heap (thong, th-thong thong thong) and Blackman pins them BOTH! 1... 2... 3! Blackman retains his belt! (3:25)

Best Saturn match I've seen in a while too...

Michael Hayes hopes "the culprit comes forward." Me too, otherwise this plot could DRAG ON AND ON AND ON.

OuR ANNoUNCERS are MiCHAEL HaYES and MiCHAEL CoLE. Apparently everyone's terrified of Austin.

EaRLIER ToDAY CRaSH was biting his fingernails when THe KaT wandered by and starting flirting with him. I CAN'T MAKE THIS UP! Of course he's worried about SCSA and can't really deal with Kat's overt sexuality. But who should wander by but BiG BoSS MaN who insults Crash. He pushes BBM, who wacks him with his nightstick. This feud has yet to appeal to me.

CoMMERCIAL

CRaSH VS. GaNGREL

I predict a Bossman run-in. Or a Malenko run-in. Or both.

So whatever happened to Chris Lambert being a fan of Gangrel? Yes, I know it was a one-time marketing gimmick, but it was SO DAMNED RANDOM!

SHUT UP ABOUT STEVE AUSTIN.

Cole happens to take this moment to make a reference to Christian pinning the Rock on RAW... meanwhile his old partner Gangrel is fighting Crash on Heat. Yet another example of THE MAN HOLDING DOWN THE VAMPIRES!

Crash controlling to start with kicks and punches. Gangrel reverses a whip to the corner, but Crash pops up and lands behind him, rolling him up for two. He tries a headlock but Gangrel nails a nice backdrop suplex.

Gangrel hits a second one and covers for two. After the kickout, he covers AGAIN and gets only two. He whips Crash to the ropes and tries a knee to the midsection, but Crash whips around and rolls him up for two. Gangrel keeps the advantage, though, dropping Crash on the ropes and hitting some kicks.

Gangrel gets another two-count and goes to a headlock -- Crash powers into a jawbreaker, but he can't capitalize. Double-clothesline off the ropes, both men up quickly. Crash busts out a couple clotheslines and then goes up top... missile dropkick!

Crash covers for two, and who comes to the ring but BiG BoSSMAN? Crash goes to the ropes and Bossman grabs his feet, tripping him up. As Gangrel comes over with a corkscrew elbowdrop, Bossman drops down out of sight, but still holding Crash's feet while Gangrel covers. 1, 2, 3. Gangrel wins it. (3:34)

And out comes DeAN MaLENKO to avenge his little buddy. He ducks the nightstick shot and Bossman nails the ring post, forcing him to drop the stick. Malenko snatches it up and rolls into the ring. He and Crash dare the Bossman to come on in, and we fade to...

CoMMERCIAL

An ad for ECW at the ICenter in Salem reminds me that I WOULD really like to go again (I was there last time) but I have other plans that weekend...

Ah, I was afraid of this... a ReCAP of Survivor Series TEN MONTHS AGO when Steve Austin was hit by a car! Notice there's NO mention of the Big Show (a rising star in OVW I hear) getting the title off of that auto accident. No, for that theory you have to go to wwf.com.

Hey, when was the last time a former WWF Champion got busted down to the indies? (No, WCW doesn't count.)

BaCKSTAGE, Lo DoWN are talking about the whodunnit. Who runs up but IVoRY with some news -- they're in a six-person match against Lita and the Hardyz. "We're on TV?!" They share sob stories about being held down -- Lo Down has "Ain't we great" written on the back of their shirts. (I am SEVERELY disappointed in you for not noting the "yeah, what was up with that scarf?" comment, but you've been gone five weeks without anybody ELSE wanting to recap this show, so I think I'll let it slide - CRZ)

This could be a pretty cool match actually.

CoMMERCIAL

CHRiS BeNOIT is on Heat! Not for a match though. He argues that he should be the number one contender. This takes several minutes.

CoMMERCIAL

ReCAP of the much-hyped, much-disappointing, MTV Video Music Awards, and of course the WWF's participation. A surprising number of moderately famous people are Rock fans.

Chyna at the VMA segues nicely into a ReCAP of Eddy Guerrero going STARK RAVING BERSERK on her on Smackdown.

BaCKSTAGE LiLIAN GaRCIA (who looks like she's had some sort of makeover... or plastic surgery... or at least a different lighting treatment) interviews DeAN MaLENKO with his two ladyfriends. Dean, of course, wasn't even in the FED when SCSA got run over. He stresses this. He also defends Crash, his new "pet project".

CoMMERCIAL

Kurt Angle urges me to smackdown my vote. Too bad I'm already registered. When the WWF invites Harry Browne to their little debate, maybe then I'll care.

EaRLIER ToNIGHT, Bossman cost Crash a match against Gangrel, and then Dean Malenko ran in. (One of these names is not like the others.)

BiG BoSS MaN VS. WWF LiGHT HeAVYWEIGHT CHaMPION DeAN MaLENKO (with two ladies) in a NoN-TiTLE MaTCH

LaST MoNDAY on RaW IS WaR, Crash scalded Bossman's face with a percolater full of coffee, allowing Blackman to kick Bossman down and get the pin.

Bossman soundly thrashes Malenko for a solid three minutes until Crash runs out with the nightstick. While the ref checks on Dean, Crash pegs Bossman inna head. Bossman falls backwards, over Malenko, allowing Malenko to roll him up for the pin. Malenko wins (in name alone), (3:09).

After the match, the Bossman beats the hell out of both Crash and Malenko. Crash is bleeding. Wooo.

Coming up next, that six-person match.

CoMMERCIAL

That guy bouncing the ball on his head is pretty creepy, but at least he ain't a talking greyhound.

The BoOT OF THe WeEK, brought to us by LuGZ, from SMaCKDOWN -- 2 WeEKS AGo, is Lita nailing Edge with a huracanrana, setting up for the Swanton Bomb, giving them a win over the tag champs. Boots... WITH AN ATTITUDE!

Lo DoWN AND IVoRY VS. WWF WoMEN'S CHaMPION LiTA AND HaRDY BoYZ

Someone forgot to Heat-cap the words "Lita" and "Hardy Boyz". Ooops.

Lita's wearing WAY too much make-up... as my roommate said, she could fall into a "white trash" look really *really* easily. Think Ms. Congeniality. Me, I miss the luscious sexy thang who pal'd around with Essa Rios... sigh...

Matt and Chaz start things up with some typical brawling. Chaz knocks down Matt and draws out Lita, allowing D'Lo to come in and hit a nice double flapjack -- D'Lo covers, but only gets two. He tries an elbow, but Matt rolls out and tries to tag Jeff. D'Lo's over there first, knocking Jeff off the apron... but Lita tags herself in behind D'Lo's back and she's going up!

D'Lo turns around... just in time to catch Lita and nail a nice walking powerslam! He tags in Ivory, who goes for the pin, hooks the leg... only two! Ivory's stomping away, picks up Lita and nails a sweet sitout slam -- isn't that Vampiro's nail in the coffin? She hooks the leg again but Matt pulls her off.

All six people in the ring -- Ivory gets stacked up with Chaz in one corner, D'Lo's woozy in the other. Lita hits Poetry in Motion on Ivory, then Jeff nails Chaz. Over to the far corner, Jeff tries it again -- and leaps right into a Sky High from D'Lo coming out of the corner! OUCH. Chaz nails Matt Hardy with his over-the-shoulders flapjack.

Both Hardys driven out of the ring while Lita spears Ivory -- Lo Down over, they whip Lita to the ropes, she ducks their swing... the Hardys are back up, triple flying clothesline off the ropes! Chaz gets sent out, D'Lo's up... Lita on the top turnbuckle, huracanrana!

D'Lo rolls out... Jeff eyeing him... suicide plancha!!! NICE bookend for the show. Lita and Ivory in the ring... Lita nails a Twist of Fate! She goes up, hits the moonsault, and it's all over. (She nails Ivory dead-on, unlike this week's RAW where she landed on Ivory's HEAD.) Lita and the Hardyz win in (4:15). Play her music! We get a replay of the moonsault, Lita and her boyz pose for the crowd, and we're out of here...

Okay, I admit it.

*I* ran over Steve Austin.

DaT HeAT CaP GuY
ALeX BeCKERS