Note: This report was typed *before* the Rumble, although there is a little bit of post-Rumble stuff at the bottom. Sorry it's late but I send these things from work, and I wasn't here yesterday because I had stayed up until 5am watching wrestling!

Right, it's almost half 10 on Sunday night so that's er .... about three and a half hours till the Rumble starts (delayed transmission and all that). BUT ... I just realised there's a TV programme I REALLY wanna watch, so I'll do as much as I can and then I'll return later. Gotta get this done before the Rumble.

One more thing before we start, folks! I would just like to say, if any Americans happen to stumble upon this report, that you have voted in one sick, evil bastard as your new President.

K-KWIK (did he have to change the lyrics to that song?) vs THE TANGO MACHINE: Straight to the action, as Tazz misses a clothesline, both men off the ropes and a flying forearm takes down Tazz. Two right hands by Kwik, Irish whip is reversed but Kwik leapfrogs Tazz in the corner and catches him with an axe kick when he turns around! Kwik to the top, missile dropkick finds the mark, cover gets 2. Kwik argues with the ref, turns around but misses an axe kick and Tazz grabs the leg on the second attempt. I think that's a capture suplex but hey, I thought DDT stood for Devastating Dream Technique so I might be wrong. Tazz with stomps as Kevin Kelly notes that he made his WWF debut at last year's Rumble. And I'm pleasantly surprised that someone remembered. Kwik in the corner, three more stomps but Kwik fights back in the middle of the ring, before Tazz backdrops him over the ropes. Tazz follows, and that programme I wanna watch has just started, so I'll be back in half an hour....... ........ Kwik's head to the apron, big right, Kwik rolled in, apparently Tazz is from one of the worst places in the United States ..... Well, ummm, that *IS* his gimmick, guys. one right from Tazz, three from Kwik, who whips Tazz into the ropes and .... WHOA! That was cool. Okay, so he whipped Tazz into the ropes and did his breakdancing shit, and Tazz just waited for him to nip up and clotheslined the crap out of Kwik. Is Tazz a face or a heel? Stomp by Tazz, he picks up Kwik and NOW the commentators start ignoring the match. I was WAITING for that. Kwik whipped into the ropes and this time Tazz stands underneath the leapfrog, grabs the legs and whips Kwik down onto his back. Mean move which I don't know the name of, I swear this only happens in Tazz matches. Hayes just wants to talk about this past week. Kwik whipped into the ropes, Tazz ducks, Kwik leapfrogs over, kick to the gut, modified front face suplex, and it's over! Omigod, Tazz just lost to K-Kwik.

Our commentators are KEVIN KELLY and MICHAEL HAYES. I never thought I'd be happy to see Kelly. They hype the Rumble. I *still* have a strange feeling about the title match; I mean, the Love Triangle thing never really concluded, did it?

Later on: Shawn Stasiak vs Albert! No, wait, that's Billy Gunn. And Crash vs Scotty 2 Hotty. Crash was born on a cusp of Leo and Capricorn, dont'ya know. And the 6-Man main event from Smackdown!.

But up next Lo Down takes on Kai En Tai. I will refrain from making a D'Lo comment ..... for about half a minute.

LO DOWN (with Tiger Ali Singh and the worst gimmick ever, but thankfully called D'Lo and Chaz) vs KAI EN TAI: *Chaz* has the stick? "Now, due to your lack of respect for us and our culture..." Kelly notes that Lo Down are two kids from Jersey. "... my brother Tiger refuses to grace you with his words of wisdom ........... Therefore my brother and I have chosen to speak on his behalf." But I thought *Tiger* was his brother? .... Ohhhhh, it's their culture. "Now, in line with our beliefs and traditions, my brothers and I demand your absolute SILENCE, while we pay our respects". Jesus, D'Lo is just the KING of repressed racial stereotypes isn't he? Ceremonial flower ceremony. And here comes Kaientai! "Ah, it is ironic that the two of you choose to speak for him, when someone else chooses to speak for us. That is not important at this time. At this time, you must be prepared, to DIIIIIIIIE" , "INDEEEEED". That was soooo fucked up, man! Chaz attacks Sho before the bell, right hands aplenty, hard bodyslam, prayer, Funaki fights back with kicks and punches, whip into the ropes by Funaki is reversed but Chaz makes a cardinal error for a pro and gets a kick in the mouth. Bulldog! Worm!... oh, wrong team. Tag to Taka, heel kick of the spinning variety but Taka receives a knee to the gut when he tries to pick Chaz up. Taka Irish whipped into the heel corner but escapes a charge, and D'Lo gets the blind tag. Chaz misses a clothesline and Taka knocks D'Lo off the apron with a right. Two slaps for Chaz, but a whip into the ropes is reversed, leapfrogged, and THERE's D'Lo with a beautiful spinebuster, or "After seeing Smackdown!, will the Undertaker and Kane work together to eliminate people in the Royal Rumble?" if you're Hayes. Bodyslam by D'Lo, ceremonial legdrop. Chaz tagged in, D'Lo whips Taka into the ropes, picks him up for a sidewalk slam and Chaz legdrops him to the mat. Beautiful move. Chaz chokes Taka with his shirt, and the commentators have COMPLETELY forgotten there's a match on. Irish whip by Chaz but he eats boot on the way in, Taka runs at Chaz but meets a clothesline. Tag to D'Lo, who knocks Taka down with a right hand. My brother walks in and tells me the mystery man in the Rumble is gonna be Ken Shamrock. I laugh. Taka whipped into the ropes, ducks a clothesline, hurricanrana on D'Lo! Dropkick, and both men are down. Both now trying to make the tag, Chaz tagged in, Funaki is RANDY SAVAGE, CLEANING HOUSE! Clothesline is ducked, two rights from Funaki, Chaz reverses a whip into the ropes, headscissors by Funaki! In comes D'Lo, clothesline is ducked, drop toe-hold by Funaki and .... Ooooooooh yes, it's the ceremonial cobra clutch/dropkick to the face combo!!! Ceremonial jumping, but Taka jumps straight into a Sky High! Atomic drop by Chaz on Funaki, who stumbles into the double powerbomb! It's over. "Taka, Taka, get the microphone. You have something to say". Ha, ha! Taka looks to the sky, but can't see where the voice came from. That is so cool. Taka gets the stick: "You think you won, but you are wrong. Referee's decision means nothing in our eyes. You are weak, we are strong. Fear Kaientai or we will come to you in your sleep and steal your hats", "INDEEEEED". Ladies and gentlemen, I think we can officially say Kai En Tai is the coolest thing in the WWF right now.

"Steal your hats"??? Words cannot describe how funny that is.

Let's take a special look at The Game. I don't transcribe Weider Sports advertisements I'm afraid! Anyways, surely he didn't get *that* many new muscles by LIFTING WEIGHTS?

I think Triple H is CARRYING this whole advertisement.

After the break, Crash against Scotty 2 Hotty.

After the break.....
SCOTTY 2 HOTTY (with Grandmaster Sexay) vs CRASH (with Molly): Commentators wonder aloud what would happen if the Rumble came down to Grandmaster Sexay against Scotty 2 Hotty. Hmmm. Lockup, headlock by Scotty, into the ropes, shoulderblock takes down Crash! Scotty jumps and screams, then runs into the ropes, jumps over Crash on the mat, leapfrog by Crash, and a hip toss. Scotty comes back with a kick in the face, then it's a DOUBLE NIP UP! Hey, where did the lid go? Commentators talk about the Rumble. Crash whipped into the ropes, leapfrogged by Scotty, but Crash stops behind him. Too much showboating equals T-bone suplex by Scotty! Another nip up and this time it's *Scotty* who gets caught showboating, and Crash nails the clothesline from behind. Five stomps. Molly looks like Miss Piggy from behind. Crash throws a hat at Sexay, then takes Scotty to the corner. Irish whip, followed in but Crash is dumped over the top rope. He lands on the apron, however, and pulls Scotty to the mat by his hair. Crash to the top, crossbody is reversed for a 2 count. Duenas accidentally presses the stop button and notices South Park is on, Duenas watches South Park, South Park ends, now Scotty with a couple of rights, and a whip into the ropes, but Scotty ducks and gets a kick to the face followed by a clothesline. Scotty whipped into the ropes, rolls through, gets 2 again. Scotty ducks a clothesline, Crash goes for a hurricanrana, reversed into a powerbomb! Both are down. Up they come, Scotty ducks a clothesline and hits a few rights, here's a whip into the ropes, backdrop, whip to the ropes is reversed this time and a clothesline from Crash is ducked before Scotty nails him with a flying forearm. Why is everybody using the same moves tonight? Irish whip is reversed by Crash, pathetic elbow misses Scotty, who comes off the ropes with a bulldog attempt, countered by Crash with the elbow! I've never seen anybody do that before. Crash goes up to the top, but misses a superfly splash. Crash lands conveniently in position for a WURM, which suddenly catches Scotty's attention, then the crowd realises what's going on aswell! Y.....A.....W...... N, ooh ooh ooh, 1, 2, 3. Well, he gets the pinfall after a ... chop? Sexay gets out a pair of shades, Scotty says he wants Crash to dance. Hayes actually makes me laugh by saying "Crash can't dance, he ain't even got no girlfriend", then Kelly completely ruins things by saying "Come on now, those glasses have ... y'know, a kind of magical effect". Crash doesn't want to dance, but Molly changes his mind. Molly is then invited along herself. Molly Holly is the worst dancer EVER, by the way.

And now, a bit of Smackdown! for you! 6-man tag, read CRZ's report. How come Kane gets the main event push when it was Jericho who won their match at Armageddon?

PERFECTBILLY vs A: Albert still has the T&A video, which just about sums up where *his* career is heading. Remember when Billy Gunn was semi main eventing SummerSlam? Remember when he got a boner on Heat? Or was that Stasiak? Staredown, lockup, Billy backed into the corner but he ducks a right hand and fires back with punches, kicks and crowdshots. Irish whip is reversed by Albert, but he eats boot. Clothesline is ducked by Gunn who gets a neckbreaker on Albert, but he kicks out at 2. Billy goes for a whip into the ropes but Albert's having none of that and clotheslines him down, as the commentators ask eachother what Albert needs. (Insert your own caption here). Gunn goes head first into the top turnbuckle, and this match is getting very boring very fast, and the Rumble starts in 20 minutes, and I want a cigarette before it starts. Billy twice gets punched in the head and falls to the canvas, and seriously that is all that happens in about 60 seconds. Now Albert whips him into the ropes, and there's an elbow that will probably put Billy down for about half a minute. Albert picks him up, whip into the ropes again, Albert ducks and there's the Fame-One-Er (he can't use "ass" anymore, right?). Both men are down so that Billy won't get a pinfall, because it's not his finishing move anymore, I actually have to fast forward to the next bit, as they exchange rights and Billy is then whipped into the ropes and powerslammed when he comes off them. That looked okay, it gets a near fall. Billy is Irish whipped and splashed in the corner. When he gets up he's shot into the ropes again and this time Albert pulls out ..... the bearhug! Oh god, Albert needs quite a few things, guys. Again I fast forward, until Billy punches himself free and bounces off the ropes into ... another bearhug! The arm drops twice, but stays up a third time. Excuse me, am I back in the 80s? Billy punches Albert but can't free himself, so he bites his way free instead. Off the ropes with a clothesline but Albert stays on his feet. Off the ropes with a clothesline but Albert stays on his feet. Yes I meant to type that sentence twice, this seems to be a regular Albert thing. Dropkick sends him to the floor, but only gets a 2 count. Gunn with an Irish whip but the follow up misses. Albert with a big boot, which sends Gunn to the outside. Albert with a crowdshot, man those things are lethal. Gunn into the ropes, jumps over the powerslam attempt and gets that finishing move of his, and the win.

And we'll see you next week here on Heat.

That was actually the best episode of Heat for a while, although with Tazz jobbing and a Gunn-Albert main event I certainly wasn't completely satisfied. The other two matches were enjoyable enough.

Okay, I have about 6 minutes to make a cup of tea and smoke a cigarette. Byeeeeee

Hey, it's now Monday so here's a few thoughts on the Rumble: First up it was a very entertaining show, especially the ladder match. Benoit and Jericho managed to have a match that didn't rip off any of it's predecessors, containing some hugely innovative spots. AND they debuted the see-saw in the WWF! It's the first time I can remember actually being worried about the wrestlers' safety on two or three occasions! Best match in the WWF for a long while, anyway. I think the Dudleys regaining the tag straps was overdue, and the match itself had a super-hot ending. But how long before Edge and Christian are six-time tag team champions? The Women's title match was pleasantly surprising in that it was short and not too nauseating, but the injury thing was pants, to be honest. And yes, my predictions on the World title match and the Rumble itself were totally wrong! In my defence it was possibly wishful thinking; if Triple H had won the title he could have defended against Austin at No Way Out, and a Rock victory in the Rumble would have given us Austin-HHH and Austin-Rock in two successive pay-per-views. Hey, maybe we'll get that anyway, or maybe they really have decided not to go with Austin-Rock at WrestleMania. Anyway, the title match was a very good match but failed in a couple of areas:

1) The crowd - disappointingly quiet all night - had no idea who to cheer, so the match had little heat.

2) There was no real pay-off, despite the options available with their Love Triangle history and the current Vince/Trish goings on, and when you take into account that a month ago Vince and Kurt seemed to be at the helm of a new corporate faction.

3) Angle's title reign is entering "who cares?" territory, especially since nobody (not even the commentators) was quite sure if he was playing face or heel last night. There's no problem with having a champion retain by questionable means, but it's now got to the point where your average casual fan simply doesn't give a shit about Angle. And that's a shame because he is a very talented guy.

Meanwhile, the Rumble match was good but it never really seems to deliver the kind of pay-off it should. Why weren't Austin and Rock the last two men? And the whole Taker-Kane thing went nowhere, with them working together until Rikishi simply eliminated Taker. And was Big Show the mystery man or what? I mean, it *could* have been Haku .... or Honky! I'm sure that'll be cleared up on Raw. And last but not least Tazz lasted 5 seconds?!!! Why is the WWF so intent on burying the guy? It just doesn't seem right when Kane is desperately shoved down our throats and a guy like Tazz lasts 5 seconds, especially considering that he isn't getting a bad reaction from the fans. But the match was more watchable than it usually is, which is probably down to some of the top guys drawing earlier numbers than usual, and it's just a shame that the crowd was killed by the women's title match and never really woke up.

There is one more thing I need to mention, and it probably isn't a very common thought on the Internet but I'll say it anyway: The WWF's treatment of The Rock is shambolic. He is being disregarded in the same way as Chris Jericho; they can talk, they'll stay over, no need to push them. In Steve Austin's absence, the WWF probably enjoyed it's finest 12 months. The on-screen product was great, everything fitted together, and there was no "odd man out". Now, I am not a Rock mark, he used to piss me off with his repetitive catchphrases and there's no doubt that his offense is limited, but the guy proved himself in 2000 as a guy who can engross the fans. But Austin's return has shifted the balance, and he's simply marched into The Rock's slot as the number 1 face. Who has The Rock feuded with since Austin's return? Nobody that I can remember. Okay, he picked up the slack when Rikishi's push was aborted and Austin was moved on to a better feud with Triple H, and had a mini-rivalry with Angle, but that's it. Austin meanwhile has been fed one after the other: Rikishi, Triple H, The Radicalz, Angle, the McMahons and William Regal! Yeah The Rock isn't the most technically sound wrestler in the world, but his matches have always been very watchable, especially the ones in Austin's absence. At the Rumble he became just another popular guy, and IF the WrestleMania match with Austin is still on - and I doubt that - then he needs to be built up and given some decent wins fast, rather than just getting Austin's leftovers. The Rock proved he could be the number 1 face in the company, so why not give him a fair chance to prove it again? He's been pushed out of the main event frame, and I don't think he deserves that.

But that's just what *I* think.