HOLY SHIT I ACTUALLY *GET LETTERS*!!!!

Well, one letter actually....

Bucs792 writes: i just want to say i feel EXACTLY the same way about the rock. im tired of hearing people bash him when he was just as responsible for the great summer the wwf had last year as HHH was. I hope the wwf still has something up their sleeve, like austin taking his title shot at no way out instead, and than the rock facing him at'mania, because he deserves that big wrestlemania win more than anyone right now.

Okay, so there's two of us, a couple more and we'll be taking on the WORLD! And I don't even *like* The Rock much.

I hope you realise I am doing this recap with TOOTHACHE. And not just that, but I bought IYH 12 and KotR '93 the other day (on the cheap), and haven't had time to watch either. Btw, the In Your House is sub-titled "It's Time", but there's no sign of Vader from what I can gather, which is odd. E-mail The Rick NOW!!! (Chill out - Vader was injured. - CRZ)

Sorry this is late anyway. Blame Channel 4 for not deeming Heat fit for a daytime slot and putting it on at midnight instead. I bet they'll still use crowdshots though.

One more thing before we start: Does anybody know the website address for that Gorgeous George porno vid? It's just ... ummm ... I think it may be a useful bit of research, y'know, being the WWF Heat recapper.

Okay, enough of that. Let's get on with the show, hosted once again by COACH and MICHAEL HAYES. Man, I really missed Coach.

PERFECTBILLY vs A: What, last week's match was so good they booked it *this week* too? More bearhugs, YIPPEE! Apparently Albert requested this match. Jeez, thanks Albert, I never realised I could hate you more than I already did. Lockup, Billy backed into the corner, but he ducks a right hand. Billy with punches and kicks, but an Irish whip is blocked. Kick, another Irish whip attempt and this time Albert reverses it, but runs into a couple of boots and then gets bulldogged as he stumbles into the middle of the ring. Cover barely gets two though, as the commentators set a precedent by COMMENTATING! Albert's head meets the turnbuckle but he clotheslines Billy to take control again, and takes The One to the corner. Kick, punch, Billy does the classic Michaels oversell, landing on top of the ropes in the corner, so Albert chokes him for being clever. Punch, and a shoulder toss, and Albert goes to the top! He comes off with a ..... flat hand to the top of the head. Dangerous. Cover gets 2, so Albert kicks Billy, who lands on the bottom rope, to set up a SWEET slingshot into the middle rope. Coach barely mentions this before moving on to a more important subject; Chyna's fake injury. He actually managed to find a subject *WORSE* than this match. Billy is up, right hand by Albert, whip into the ropes but Albert ducks and there's the Fame-One-Er! Guarantee Billy is too groggy to cover. Billy is too groggy to cover. Both are up at the same time, Coach is talking about Chyna's injury as though they are still trying to work us, ha, ha. Billy blocks a right, there's one of his own, and two more, Billy runs into the ropes, his clothesline is ducked, off the other ropes ...... why, could it be? ..... it's THE BEARHUG! Billy's arm drops twice. Punches by Gunn, biting by Gunn, into the ropes, ducks an Albert clothesline, more punches, into the ropes again, and this time Albert is taken down by the girliest shoulderblock of all time. Up he comes, whipped into the ... hang on, let me rewind that ... whipped into the ROPES, but he was *supposed* to go to the corner so he stumbles across off camera! Forgive me lord for I have obviously sinned. Billy with a Billy Splash, but Albert gets out of the way, in accordance with the "Don't sell two successive moves" rule in this match. Billy eats big boot, but it only gets 2! I've just realised how stupid these guys names' are. Albert protests, as Billy gets to his feet, then goes for the Albertbomb but it's blocked. Punches from Gunn, into the ropes, and that finishing move of his gets the win. Could somebody please e-mail me the name of Billy Gunn's finishing move? Post-match, they don the shades and dance! Not really; Albert attacks Billy, and THERE's an Albertbomb. Oh great, let's hope we get Billy/Albert III NEXT WEEK ON HEAT!

Still to come: The Rock from Raw, and the Dudleys take on Lo Down and Tiger in a handicap match.

Next: Al Snow takes on Essa Rios!

AL SNOW (w/Head) vs ESSA RIOS: What happened to Rios' push last year? And why change his name when Papi Chulo was so much better? Is it because it sounds too much like Papa Shango? Stalling, lockup, waistlock by Al, leg sweep takes down Rios and a front facelock is reversed, leading to a wristlock sequence. Al with punches to the back and knees to the gut, and a violent shove to the floor. Bodyslam, then a kick and a punch as Rios gets up. Snow whips him into the ropes, but ducks and Rios does a BEAUTIFUL somersault leapfrog over him! Rios off the ropes, tries to slide between Al's legs but Al grabs his hair. Punches by Al, who picks him up for a release German suplex, but Rios lands on his feet! Unbelievable stuff. Spinning heel kick is countered with a leg whip, but Rios kicks Al away, nips up and jumps on the shoulders. Al counters with an electric chair drop that had to be seen to be believed! It gets 2. Kick to Rios, picks him up, whipped into the ropes, the clothesline is ducked and Essa takes Snow down with a flying headscissors. Rios with a wristlock, jumps onto the top rope, bounces around for a while and somersaults his way back down with an armdrag on Al! Kickass. Al is dropkicked outside, but he manages to dodge Rios as he flies down to the outside from the top rope! Back inside, Rios in the corner, Irish whipped into the other corner and Al follows him in with a clothesline. Across to a third corner, two headbutts by Al, Irish whip completes the corner collection, but Rios somersaults back off the top rope, landing behind Al, and dropkicking him through the ropes to the outside again. Rios takes a run up to the corner, handsprings over the turnbuckle and lands on Snow outside the ring! We even get a Heat Double Feature! Irish whip on Al but he stops, turns around and delivers a clothesline. Irish whip on Rios, who tries to leapfrog the charge but gets all caught up on Al's shoulder, but before Al can do anything he does another damn somersault and superkicks Al's teeth out! Al counters the Irish whip, go-behind, spins Rios around and gives him a kick to the gut, and it's the Snowplow! 1, 2, 3. Fantastic match, the best we've seen on Heat in soooo long!

And now, The Rock, last week on Raw, as transcribed by CRZ. Man, the Rock is WEIRD when he acts all serious.

RAVEN's music plays!?! Is this a bonus match? Er, yep...

RAVEN vs THAT BIG UGLY CROSS-EYED FREAK PERRY SATURN (w/Terri) in a non-title match: If Saturn wins he frees The Flock! We get Terri's tits in slow motion! Raven attacks before Terri has finished flashing her tits, adding more fuel to the whole sexuality thing. Punches in the corner., but Saturn punches his way out. Overhead belly-to-belly suplex! Superkick! Saturn rolls Raven over and does press-ups on his back, then rolls over to get a kiss from Terri. Is Saturn trying to be Scott Steiner? Irish whip by Raven is reversed, and he tastes an elbow. Big Perry Pump poses on the turnbuckle, flashing his muscles and bleached beard. Irish whip is reversed by Raven, who clotheslines Saturn off the ropes when he stumbles backwards. Knee to the face sends Saturn to the outside. Raven follows, Russian leg sweep into the barricade! Saturn rolled back in, as Raven looks for plunder. He finds a garbage can lid, and uncrosses Saturn's eyes with it as Terri distracts the ref. CROWDSHOT, which thankfully protects me from seeing TWO lid shots. Cover, ref back in, 2 count. Who's side is Terri ON? Irish whip by Raven, who follows in with a clothesline, then bulldogs Saturn out of the corner. Raven tries to whip Saturn into the ropes, but the reversal comes out of nowhere and there's a DVD! It's over! An EMT rushes the ring ..... nah, not really. Weird finish though, it just came out of nowhere. Anyway, it was another good match, and I think they've more than made up for giving me two Albert/Billy matches in a row.

Let's take a look at JACQUELINE! Or we could press the fast forward button.

After the break, THE RIGHT TO CENSOR's music plays! Huh? STEVEN RICHARDS comes out on his own, and he has the stick: "The Right To Censor's message has been clear from the very beginning. Think about it" . Respectful pause for the "Asshole" chant. "Please, think about it: Your children should not be subjected to half-naked women. Your children should not be subjected to the vulgarity that comes out of the mouths of the 'quote, unquote' superstars of the World Wrestling Federation. You all boo, when you should be embracing what is right. You should not be cheering when men beat eachother with sledgehammers, trashcans .... [pause for cheers] ..... You should not be cheering when men beat eachother with trashcans, sledgehammers, cars, and whoever knows what else. And the people that call themselves responsible parents turn a blind eye. They justify themselves by saying 'Well with all the violence that's on TV today, the WWF is mild in comparison'. But that does not make it right. And unlike all of you here tonight the Right To Censor refuses to turn a blind eye to this disgrace. And with that being said, if you are not with us ... you are against us, and you will see just how deep our convictions run. And a point to be made: We have censored the vulgar words, we have censored the scantily-clad women, and soon, yes soon, we will censor the exorbitant amount of violence that this programme has displayed. And it will be for your own good."

And now we take a look at Smackdown!. Angle vs Kane, as recapped by CRZ!

Back to Heat, and here is our weekly dose.......

TAG TEAM TITLE HANDICAP MATCH; TIGER ALI SINGH & NOW, LO DOWN vs DA DUDLEYZ: Tiger has the stick before The Dudleys are introduced, but he whispers something in Chaz's ear and gives *him* the mic instead: "Now you see, our brother refuses to speak tonight because your prejudice .... because your prejudice and ignorance of our culture forbids him to acknowledge aaaany one of you". Hey Tiger, if you *refused to wrestle*, man, they'd HATE you for that. One more "My brother" later, and D'Lo has the mic: "You better recognise..." - oh sorry, that was his previous stereotypical character - "Now, in accordance with our beliefs and our traditions, my brothers and I demand your ABSOLUTE SILENCE while we pay our respects". Tiger has pointed boots, omigod. Ceremonial smoking flower ceremony! This is a fucking disgrace. HERE COME THE CHAMPS!!! Go on, squash 'em. Lo Down attack them on the blindside, punches are exchanged, the Dudleys get on top but Tiger turns the tide. Out goes D-Von, and Lo Down double-team Buh Buh. Whipped into the ropes, double elbow, and Chaz leaves the ring. Bodyslam by D'Lo, and he covers for 2. Irish whip, but Buh Buh comes straight back with a clothesline before D'Lo can even charge the corner. Right for Chaz, but Tiger drops to the floor to escape. Buh Buh turns around, ducks the clothesline, atomic drop, straight to D-Von and *he* nails D'Lo with a right hand. Forearm to the back of the head by Buh Buh, and he tags in D-Von. Kicks, punches, D'Lo reverses a whip into the ropes, Coach and Hayes talk about how much Coach says "what", D-Von ducks the clothesline, into the ropes again and he takes D'Lo out with a flying clothesline. Flying elbow! Well, it was more of a jumping elbow. D'Lo with an uppercut to turn the tide, as D-Von falls back into heel territory. D'Lo distracts Buh Buh, as D-Von knocks Tiger and Chaz off the apron, then puts a boot up when D'Lo charges him. God, all these Ds! Tiger and Chaz grab a leg each, however, and they post his nether regions. D'Lo drops an elbow as D-Von nurses his balls, then tags in Chaz. D-Von shot into the ropes, picked up for a sidewalk slam by D'Lo, and THERE's the legdrop from Chaz. Off comes Chaz's top, and we spend the next 10 seconds looking at Tiger so I assume Chaz must be using his T-shirt as a weapon. His T-SHIRT?! As a WEAPON?! Good call Channel 4, you couldn't *possibly* air that in good conscience at 1am. Can I just point out that this coming Saturday night - and I swear I am not making this up - Channel 4 is showing a film called "Nymphoid Barbarians In Dinosaur Hell". It's absolutely true. And this channel can't show a man in pyjama bottoms, using his T-shirt as a weapon? When we return to the action, D-Von is getting his head rammed into the turnbuckle, but reverses an Irish whip. He eats boot though, and Chaz catches him with the Bret Hart clothesline. Chaz prays, and tags in Tiger. Shove on D-Von, kicks, foot choke in the corner, punches but D-Von fights back with punches of his own. One too many, as Tiger ducks and D'Lo clotheslines D-Von to the mat from outside the ring. Tiger tags in Chaz, who beats D-Von back down and slaps on the Camel Clutch! Are they about to rip off Kaientai? Chaz gives Buh Buh a wink, so he tries to break it up and only manages to distract the ref. Switcheroo by Lo Down, and D'Lo tags in Tiger. What was the point in all that? D-Von is held in place for a right hand, another right hand as D'Lo exits the ring, but a third right hand is ducked and D-Von pulls a neckbreaker out of nowhere! The race is on, and D-Von makes the tag. Buh Buh is RANDY SAVAGE, CLEANING HOUSE! as Tiger gets back to his feet, presumably frozen with fear, and Buh Buh tosses him outside. Chaz in the ring, hotshot by Buh Buh! In comes D'Lo, who tastes a clothesline! Biiiiig back bodydrop on Chaz, elbow on D'Lo! Buh Buh pulls Tiger up onto the apron, and stands there for ages just holding him so that he can duck the Lo Down double-team, and hey presto they double-elbow Tiger off the apron. D'Lo is down, Chaz is up on Buh Buh's shoulders, neckbreaker off the shoulders by D-Von, but the cover is broken up by D'Lo. Buh Buh with a bodyslam on D'Lo, which sets us up nicely for the Whassup Drop. Wardance, "D-Von", "Whaaaat?", "Get the tables", Hayes: "Why don't Buh Buh get the damn tables for once?". Tiger is there to stop D-Von getting any tables, but a whip into the ropes is reversed, 3D!!! It's academic.

We're outta time! Great show, the best in ages, with one amazing match and one very good one, and even the last match wasn't too bad. Rocky for the Title! At WrestleMania! Join my campaign NOW!