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WWF UK Heat by Gav Duenas





Well the *toothache* is better, but I'm trying to quit smoking this week. Wish me luck.

Note to CRZ: It was the *Gorgeous George* question I wanted answered, not the damn Vader one. Anyways, he'd been injured for ages, I was kinda getting at the fact that they hadn't changed the name of the IYH despite knowing weeks in advance that he wouldn't be there.

Okay, it's from someone on this website, but it's still a letter...
The Cubs Fan writes: I'll trade your Heat recaps of Jackie versus whatever stupid segment I get from WWFNY next week for US Heat.
On the other hand, you can keep the random censoring.

He seems like a nice chap, so I sent a nice reply.

For the benefit of English readers who don't really speak American: "trade .... versus" means "swap ..... for", and "on the other hand" is like "but", just in a way that's eeeeeever so slightly different to the one we're used to.

NOW do you understand?

Or maybe it's just 'cos I'm in *Somerset* that I had to read the e-mail four times.

Aaaaaaaanyway, it's Monday and I'm a day late again. This week I can't even blame Channel 4. See I was gonna do it last night and then got invited out for a beer. Well, what would YOU have done?

Actually Channel 4 showed Heat TWICE this week; once at 4pm and again at midnight. But the midnight version was called "WWF Heat Late-Night". Wooo. And I bet it still had crowdshots. Or maybe somebody from Channel 4 is paid to read my recaps, and this is how they appease me. (If so, I'm *almost* satisfied, but can I please have a part on Hollyoaks? Then I'll forgive you).

Alas we'll never know 'cos I have the 4pm version on tape.

Your hosts are COACH, KEVIN "TRIEZ BUT FAILZ" KELLY (called K.Kelly by Coach, either because that's his hip new name or because Coach is a tosser, but probably both) and OUR PRODUCER TOMMY CARLUCHI. But I think the last one may just be one of Coach's *crazy* jokes.

BWAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! Coach is so crazy! Or should I say ..... charismatic?

European Title Match (?); THAT BIG UGLY CROSS-EYED SCOTT STEINER-IMPERSONATING FREAK PERRY SATURN (w/Terri) vs T: Coach says "K.Kelly" again. Saturn attacks from behind, rights and knees in the corner, shot of Terri, knees in the corner. Ref pulls Saturn away as the commentators give us the backstory on Test. Is he still a former Motley Crue bodyguard? Test fights back, rights in the corner, Coach says "K.Kelly" a third time, crowdshot, Irish whip and Saturn bounces back into a huge bodyslam. Saturn is whipped into the ropes but holds on and sneaks under the bottom rope. Test quickly across, and Saturn hotshots him on the top rope. Test dragged outside, rights from Perry, slugfest is won by Test, who drops Saturn bleached-moustache-first onto the apron. Commentators talk about the contract signing. Saturn is rolled back in but Terri distracts Test as he prepares to step over the top rope. Test chases Terri around the ring, and is distracted long enough for Saturn to nail him with a plancha between the ropes. Test thrown back in the ring, but his right hand gets the better of Saturn. Saturn thrown into the ropes, ducks the big boot and dropkicks the knee of Test! Elbow to the back of the head, and Test is lifted up for a backdrop. Still the contract signing of six days ago dominates our commentary. Elbow to the back of the head, and a cobra clutch by Saturn. Kelly tells us that Saturn just ducked the big boot and dropkicked the knee, about a minute after it happened. Terri does devil signs. Saturn forgets about the cobra clutch and gets a few kicks in. Saturn is sooooo Scott Steiner. Saturn with a gutwrench, onto the shoulder, and rams Test into the turnbuckle! Cool. Test flops to the floor and Terri celebrates, distracting Saturn enough for Test to start fighting back with rights. Test to his feet, Saturn whipped into the ropes, Test ducks, cardinal error for a pro, boot to the face. Saturn comes off the ropes again but Test counters with a tilt-a-whirl into nothing much. Test with rights, Saturn whipped into the ropes, Coach says "K.Kelly" a fourth time, Saturn with the elbow but he eats boot coming out of the corner. SLOW MOTION GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB, 1, 2, 3. I thought Test's finishing move was the pumphandle slam? My, aren't his front teeth big?

Test is pushed by the commentators, despite not being very good.

Your hosts are COACH and K.KELLY, and not Tommy Carluchi. God Coach is funny. Kelly tricks Coach by making him think Big Show is stood behind him.

Feature about George (Wacist Webublican Weekazoid?) Bush. Yuk. This is noteworthy only because Coach says "K.Kelly" a fifth time.

And let's see the contract signing, as described by CRZ about a week ago. Stephanie has got really ugly knees.

Reason I hate Channel 4 No.548987: The *bird* is censored.

Channel 4's version of events has Triple H attacking Austin with a crowdshot, as if I even needed to bother telling you that.

I a freakish moment, I notice my video timer is at 3:16.

Back to normal time.....

K-KWIK vs A: But .... what about Billy Gunn? Give it six months and the New Age Outlaws will be WCW tag team champs. You heard it here first. Albert with an uppercut to start, then a gorilla press slam, but Kwik flips out of it. Kwik off the ropes, ducks the clothesline, ducks another clothesline, rights from Kwik, kick is blocked, Albert holds onto the boot, enziguri! Albert stumbles into the corner, but clotheslines Kwik as he makes the charge. Albert with a right hand which knocks Kwik back down, then tells him to "Get rowdy"! I like Albert more. Irish whip but Kwik leapfrogs the charge and does some cartwheels. Albert with the big boot attempt, but Kwik ducks it and fights back with his trusty right hand. Irish whip is reversed by Albert, clothesline in the corner, and a delayed double-underhook suplex gets 2. Albert with daggers. Headbutt as Kwik gets up, kicks, foot choke, I stop to watch the last few minutes of Eastenders, my mum brings me in a cup of tea, Irish whip on Kwik but he elbows out of the corner. Another charge by Albert meets boots. Kwik out of the corner, into a .... but ..... no, surely it's not the ... the ... why yes, it's ....... The bearhug! Albert soon slams Kwik down to the mat, as Coach says "Kevin", then *corrects* himself and says "K.Kelly" for the sixth time. Kwik picked up, punched down, picked up, hoisted up in the air but he slides out of it and dropkicks Albert as he comes off the ropes. Kwik off the ropes but Albert nonchalantly catches him. Backbreaker, off the ropes, Kwik slides out the way of the splash. Kwik blocks a right, replies with four of his own, then gets convulsions. Oh it's alright, he's just dancing, and there's a jiggly wiggly right hand ... sniff ... just like Roaddogg used to do. Kwik off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, axe kick in mid-air! Albert kicks out at 2. Albert picked up, and he headbutts Kwik to the mat. Off the ropes but Kwik dropkicks him in the bread basket, then comes off the ropes and reverses another bearhug attempt into the DDT! Anyway it gets 2. Albert picked up, reverses a whip into an Albertbomb, and gets the win. Albert, you are the king of talentless no-sellers, I salute you. Seriously, the guy makes Ahmed Johnson look like Shawn Michaels.

Chris Jericho feature. It's about (aboot!) hockey, and I am here to recap the wrestling, so if you want to transcribe this Cubs Fan then give me your address and I'll send the tape by air mail :)

Welcome back to Heat, and let's take a look at Smackdown! Oh, hang on, is it still called Smackdown!? It's just that the logo at the bottom is crossed out.

Triple Threat World Title match, the one that CRZ described, and a repeat of the SummerSlam 2000 main event. It's just that nobody else seems to have noticed, or maybe I'm just the World's Only Person Who Found That Interesting.

By the way, does Kurt Angle now SHARE Austin's music? It's just that whenever Angle wins they always seem to play it.

They never play *The Rock's* music.

CRASH (w/Molly Holly, and Coach saying "K.Kelly" a seventh time, and a slow motion ring entrance) vs CHRIS BEN WAAA 101: Benoit has the stick! "Crash Holly..." HIS NAME IS CRASH " built a reputation for yourself in the hardcore division that is 24 and 7." IT'S 24/7 "Well let me tell you something: 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, I am the best damn technical wrestler in the WWF. And tonight you are gonna find out that there is absolutely no proving me wrong". Amen. Crash runs around like a jerk until Benoit kicks him, ha! Punches and kicks in the corner, crowdshot, Crash is on his ass when we come back, picked up by Benoit, and punched back down. Crash whipped into the ropes, runs into a boot to the bread basket, powerbomb. Legdrop by Benoit, Crash reverses the whip into the ropes, drop toe-hold. Jumping elbow from Crash, rights, back into the corner, kick, Irish whip is reversed by Benoit, kick, loud and painful chop, Crash picked up for a suplex and dropped onto the top rope. Crash whipped into the ropes, knee to the gut, picked up and rammed into the corner, then shoved down. Cover gets 2. Crash reverses a suplex into a small package and gets a 1 count of his own. Benoit with a pissed off chop that hurts HIS OWN HAND! Stomp, Crash fires back, Benoit picks him up, backdrop, kicked out at 2. Crash head-first to the turnbuckle, Irish whip, Benoit is met with an elbow. Benoit turns his back to Crash, who jumps onto his shoulders, victory roll! It gets 1. Benoit is pissed off again, kick, punch, Crash wriggles out of the bodyslam attempt, and gets 2 off a sunset flip. ANOTHER pissed off chop. That one looked like the worst yet. It actually knocks Crash over! Benoit whips him into the ropes, and Crash gets a fucked up DDT to reverse a hip-toss. Whip is reversed by Benoit, and Crash gets an elbow to the mouth as his punishment for fucking up AGAIN. Crash is shot into the ropes once more, between the legs, goes for a kick but Benoit grabs the leg, then ducks the enziguri! Crossface, and Crash taps.

Coach just has enough time to sneak in his eighth "K.Kelly"! And his ninth! See ya next week!

Only three matches, but I can't really complain about what we got. And NO LO DOWN! Ladies and gentlemen, mark my words: Bash At The Beach (or Rape, or whatever they call *that* PPV now) 2001, WCW Tag Team Title Match, The New Age Outlaws vs Rahja and Bahja.

Gav "Angry Young Man" Duenas
[slash] wrestling

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