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WWF Sunday Night Heat by The Cubs Fan

25.3.1

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Earlier today - you know, it's for the best that we ignore all "Raven teachers the Germ to be hardcore while actually making fun of him" bits. Even if Raven's funny.

Open. We are one week from WM - but tonight, we're stuck in WWF New York (in New York.)

Raven (w/shopping cart) is out to talk. Raven will defend his title at WM, and he will beat the giants.  Fate, destiny and pain.

Tazz and Michael Cole are dressed like they're on spring break, because MTV is.

Lightheavyweight Champion Crash (w/Molly Holly) vs Perry Saturn (w/Dean Malenko, a 4adicals shirt and a floppy hat and Last Week but w/o Terri) in a non-title match - Crash seems surprised to see that belt there, like "oh yeah, I'm champ!". Terri's sick. I think Saturn stole that hat from Droz. Saturn beats Crash down in the corner to start, backed up by the ref and Crash cradles him for 2. Waistlock by Crash, Saturn gets to the ropes but Crash manages a sunset flip for 2. Off the ropes, flying headscissors, 'rana for 2. Dean's on the apron, Crash goes for him but Dean gets out of the way and Saturn hits a superkick. Suplex on to the top rope, and punch to the floor. Pick up, and run into the corner. Now Saturn backs Molly away, rolls in the ring, rolls out, picks up Crash and runs him back first into the stairs. Back in, back out, Crash in, Perry in, cover for 2. Bad camera angle on the um, Tazz calls it a corkscrew suplex and that works. Brainbuster, and Crash might be done here. Perry's gonna take time to yell first then put on a chin lock. Crash elbows out, off the ropes, knee to the head, off the ropes and Saturn pushes him through the ropes. Crash up to he apron, shot the midsection, catapult into a sunset flip, Perry has the ropes, ref Jack Doan kicks Saturn's hands free and Crash complete it for a 2. Drop toe hold on to the second rope by Crash. Right, right, whip, reversed clothesline misses, back elbow hits by Crash. Off the ropes, Perry with a clothesline.  Saturn yells to Dean, and then points his thumb down. Corner whip - charge in but Crash gets a boot up, off the second rope but Saturn catches him and puts him back down on the top rope, hard shot to the head, shot the back as Saturn goes up - Crash fights back and pushes him down to the mat - top rope 'rana. Acid Drop, one, Dean's on the apron and Crash goes after him. The ref checks on Saturn, Crash turns around and is tripped. While Jack is yelling at Dean, Molly is up on the top rope - Molly Go Round (the 450 Thesz Press) on Saturn. Can Crash make the cover? Well, Dean's over to Molly so we'll never know. Crash grabs Dean, Dean hotshots Crash, Saturn hits the corkscrew fisherman's suplex and that's it (4:48) Oh, that's the new moss covered three handed grundza.

Last Friday, Aerosmith dropped by. Tazz and APA vs RTC at WM. Also, the Rock and Steve Austin, their way.

WM Moment: Wrestlemania 9, where Yokozuna beats Bret Hart with some help, then Hulk Hogan wins the title.

this is a European Champion vs Haku for the European Title - Did Cole say "Pay Per U"? Eddie to be here later. Lockup, knee from Haku, right, right, right, whip, back elbow. Right, whip, clothesline misses, Test's doesn't. Turnbuckle smash, and Haku shows why that doesn't work. Test goes to kicks, and they seem to be working better. Now punches, not wise. Whip, spinning (1.5) side slam and a two count. Headbutt - no really Test. He tries it again, and hurts himself. Test must not want to hold on to the belt, if he keeps doing such stupid things. Kick. Right, pummeling by Haku. Test staggers right into a headbutt. Cover for 2. Stomp. Chop. "Piss", said by Tazz, is muted out. Stomp. Choke. Break, and Test gets back in it with , right, right, right, Haku blocked, right, no back suplex by Haku. Yell. Running elbow drop. Another elbow drop. Cover for 2. Right. Chop, and Test is staggered against the ropes. Choke. Shot to the back. Shot to the back. Camel Clutch. Inverted atomic drop. Up to the second rope - frog splash? It missed, whatever it was. Right, right by Meng, rights by Test, whip, head down too soon, Haku gets a kick, Test knocks him down with a clothesline. And another. Corner whip, Haku rebounds out with a full nelson release slam, cover for 2. "One second away - one second away!" Right, right, off the ropes, and right into a Samoan Drop. Meng with the Tongan Death Grip Dance - but Test comes out of the corner with the big boot. He's done (4:38)

Eddie Guerrero is out and he has something to say. "Now, I have come out here, homies, to let you in on a little something. Now I know this may come as a shock - it might [starts talking slower] be even a little hard for you all to understand. See, I've noticed one thing here in America, education is not really a top priority. [Eddie Sucks] Now, wait a minute, I'm not saying you all are stupid or anything, I've just noticed it takes you all a little more time to understand what people are saying. Basically, you're dumb. Now I'm gonna let you in on a little secret - you're European champion, that paco, that loco? He's not European, HELLO, that doesn't make any sense, does it? I mean, come on, he's not even American, ese, he's from another country, he's from Canada - he had to cross the river to get here! Now, I find it myself, being that I have European blood in me, to get that European belt right back where it belongs, around my waist. Where it means something. See, along with Commissioner Regal, I was the European Champion that y'all have ever seen. So, I owe to my European ancestors, to do this. I am an issuing now, to you Test, if you can pull yourself away from the mirror for two seconds, that means, yea, put your hairdryer down, put your brush down, and listen to what I have to say. At WrestleMania, in front of all America, no, in front of all the world, especially the world, it's gonna take me just that long - two seconds - to kick your ass and become the next European champion. ┐Comprende ese vato?"

the Hardy Boyz (w/Lita and Last Monday) vs Kai En Tai (w/flags) - "Hardy Boyz, you process high flying ability, lighting fast speed and incredible agility - as well as, Jeff, well you are very cute. Uh, I mean, Lita, Lita yes, Lita you make me want to sing. Lovely Lita meter maid, nothing can come between us. Kai En Tai will become the G in your G-String tonight, because you may be lovely, but we are eeeeeevil!" "inDEED" Lockup, headlock by Matt, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over the drop down, dropkick by Funaki. Right, right, celebration, oops Mat's ready not and punching him down in the corner. Turnbuckle smash, tag to Jeff. Double team kick down in the corner, whip by Jeff, clothesline misses, Funaki hits the flying headscissors. Funaki reaches Jeff's arm out to make a tag, oh, it's not close enough to so Funaki will tag Matt's head. That annoys Matt, but the ref stops him - Funaki is stopped with a jawbreaker, but manages to stop Jeff before he can get to the corner - though he still gets a take down and a drop toe hold. Tag to Taka, tag to Mat. Punch for Taka, punch for Funaki, whip, clothesline on TAKA. Gutwrench suplex on Funaki. Slam on Matt. Going to the second rope - legdrop. Cover for 2 but Funaki breaks it up, punch is blocked, Matt goes for the Twist Of Fate but Taka breaks that up and superkicks Matt. Jeff throws Funaki out of the ring, but Funaki pulls him out - apron shot, but Lita with the swinging 'rana on Funaki. Matt has control back in the ring - Poetry in Motion, Twist of Face, Swanton Bomb, no problems here. (2:44) Here's a replay of the swinging 'rana.

Raven talks and says nothing much. I believe Tazz and Michael Cole mention the WWF buying WCW 10 seconds after they go off the air, but we'll never know. See you Monday.

The Cubs Fan
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