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I'm reviewing Heat. Why? Just 'cuz.
A trio of female stagehands are discussing Foley is Good when the author
himself appears. Mick offers to sign copies of the book, but not breasts.
One of the ladies compliments Mick for comments he made about Alexander
Graham Bell. Foley corrects her, saying it was actually Alexander
Hamilton. Mick says something else, but I was too busy staring at boobs to
notice.
The SNH opening has no wrestlers. How odd.
We're live at WWF New York. Tazz and Michael Cole are your hosts. Tazz
says "Bon Jovi" to all the Puerto Ricans on this Puerto Rican Day. What an
ass.
Crash Holly vs. Funaki (with Taka): The neon green rights for Crash have
got to go. We recap how Crash doesn't like his cousin Molly associating
with Spike Dudley, and how Kaientai interrupted an attempted kiss by Spike
and Molly on Smackdown. None of the above really ties into the match,
though. Taka promises that Crash will be no match for their unadulterated,
unedited, uncensored EVIL. Indeed. Tazz believe Kaientai are actually
Puerto Rican. I'm just gonna ignore Tazz from now on, kay? Crash jumps
Funaki to start. Whip to the ropes, Funaki ducks a clothesline and follows
up with a flying headscissors. Drop toehold and sit-out dropkick by
Funaki. Funaki tries a suplex, but Crash escapes and dumps Funaki gut
first on the top rope. Crash knocks Funaki to the floor, then runs out and
throws him back in for a 2 count. Funaki tries to make a comeback by
charging at Crash but ends up ramming his shoulder into the corner. Crash
slaps Funaki around, but gets caught with a dropkick when he tries
something off the top. They exchange blows, Crash misses a corner splash,
and Funaki hits a bulldog. Crash rolls up Funaki and pulls the tights, but
referee Tim White notices and stops the count at 2. Funaki manages to
surprised Crash with a backslide for 2. Funaki with a dropkick and
backdrop suplex for 2. Funaki meets a boot when he tries a corner charge,
and Crash hits a double leg flip and hooks the ropes for the 3 (3:36).
Crash beats up Taka afterwards when he complains to the ref. Y'know, I
just watched a great Michinoku Pro 10 Man tag match featuring Taka and
Funaki from a few years back. But they probably got paid 8 dollars for
that match, so I'm sure they're not complaining.
Foley searches a break room for Socko, finding him on a statue. Um, okay.
Tough Enough is coming June 21. Triple H: "You either want this, or you
don't." Well, duh.
The Germ is at a Puerto Rican Day Parade. Hey, this is just a Foley is
Good commercial disguised as a segment on Puerto Rican Pride! Good Gawd, I
bought the book, leave me alone [sob]. I should mention the General Adnan
look-a-like in the segment, so I will.
Mick Foley is out. Mick's got a confession: he hasn't been totally
honest with the fans. On the May 7th RAW, Foley said that his book made
the perfect Mother's Day gift. But in fact, it's merely a good Mother's
Day gift. The book is, however, the perfect Father's Day gift. All right,
I'll buy another copy, please, no more, I'm tapping out! Oh, Mick also
mentions that the Heat hosted by Kaientai brought in one of the highest
ratings ever. Mick says that if Kaientai beats him in the ratings, he'll
lock himself in a room and watch Test videos.
Fire Pro Wrestling will be on the Game Boy Advanced. Psst, there's WWF
and WCW guys in the game. Pass it on.
Wow, that Brandon kid from the Anti-Drug ads must have a thing for Amazon
women.
Our Combos Slam of the Week is Edge beating Test with the Implant DDT
(and a little help from Christian) to advance in the tournament. I thought
Justin Credible was using the Implant? Poor Justin doesn't have a
finisher. Then again, he never wins singles matches, so it's all good.
Raven vs. Christian: Tazz imitates the Raven "caw" to great annoyance.
Hmm, no Edge with Christian. Cole hints that Edge and Christian are
jealous of the Hardyz singles success. Possible singles feuds on the
horizon? Christian gets the early advantage with a cheapshot, but Raven
comes back and hits a Cactus clothesline. Raven with a Side Russian Leg
Sweep into the barricade outside. Cool. Raven beats on Christian some
more until Christian uses leverage to send Raven outside and drop toeholds
him into the steel steps. Christian goes on the offensive, varying between
restholds and crisp looking offense. Raven comes back when he turns a
second rope dropkick from Christian into a corner catapult. Tazz actually
references Mr. Wrestling II. Raven hits the bulldog for 2. Christian
tries a cross body from the top, but Raven ducks and rolls him up for 2.
Small package from Raven gets 2. Christian goes for the Unprettier, Raven
blocks and goes for the Evenflow, but Christian blocks that. Christian
then lures Raven into the corner, trips him up, and puts his feet on the
ropes for the win (5:03). No complaints here. I'm hoping Christian gets a
singles push in the near future.
We see clips of various news reports on Mick Foley.
The Classic King of the Ring is Foley getting tossed off the top of Hell
in a Cell.
Sitdown with Foley. Tazz asks about the Twins jersey Mick is always
wearing. Mick reveals that the Twins gave him the jersey when he took
batting practice with the team a few years back. Then we get an anecdote,
as Kathie Lee Gifford was holding a CD signing in the Mall of America the
day before Mick was holding a book signing. And Foley fans outdrew
Gifford's by a 4-1 margin. They mention Tazz's mention in the book, but
there's no mention of Michael Cole anywhere. Mick relates the Jerry
Seinfeld-Tazz story, and does the worst Jerry Seinfeld impersonation since
my drunk roommate in college. They give props to Al Snow and Tazz for
Tough Enough. Mick promises to besmirch William Regal and believes that
Vince becomes quite an ass when there's a camera on him. We're shooting
now!
Billy Gunn come up to Lita backstage and asks what the hand thing is she
and the Hardyz do. "Nabs," replies Lita. She walks off and Billy's
expression sours. Either I just inhaled some paint fumes or that was a
bizarre segment.
The 1-800-Call-ATT rewind is Jeff Hardy winning the Light Heavyweight
title from Jerry Lynn on Smackdown.
Matt Hardy [c] (w/Lita) vs. "The One" Billy Gunn (European Title Match):
Wow, Billy's got his own shirt. It says "All This And Then Some" on the
back. Where's my credit card? Lockup, Billy pushes Matt into the corner,
and we get a clean break. Matt sneaks in a roll up for 2 and a quick
armdrag. Billy backs Matt into the corner again, and this time knees Hardy
in the gut. But Matt's too quick and hits some more armdraggery, and Billy
retreats to the outside. Billy pulls Mat outside and rams him into the
steps. What's gotten into Billy? Back in the ring, Billy runs through his
swell offense (including a neckbreaker that doesn't make contact) as the
announcers say "aggressive" a lot. Matt manages to duck a clothesline and
hits a spinning DDT for a 2 count. He goes for the Twist of Fate and Billy
backdrops him, but Matt holds on for a sunset flip for 2. Backslide from
Matt gets 2. Billy nails Matt with a clothesline and jaws with the ref.
Billy tries a Stinger Splash, but Matt dodges and hits the Twist of Fate
for 2 (4:39).
Matt offers Billy a high five afterwards, but Billy turns it into the One
and Only! What the...the fiend! The arena goes silent with shock, then we
see women and children crying. Riots break out as male fans try to cross
the barrier to get their hands on Billy. The riot squad comes out as a
crying child asks "Why Billy...why?"
Or maybe not.
Mick leads some security guys in a rendition of "I Want Candy."
A local commercial for a video game store sees some guy imitating the
Rock. Except he doesn't look or sound at all like the Rock. He does
closely resemble K-Kwik, though. A bald guy rounds out the cast as Stone
Cold.
Tomorrow in RAW, more KOTR qualifiers and Triple H comments on his
condition. Foley comes out and babbles about Hamilton some more, plugs his
book, and promises that Raw will be good tomorrow. And we're done.
Standard Heat. I liked Raven-Christian, Crash-Funaki was decent, and we
saw the monumental turn of Billy Gunn. All in all, not a bad way to burn
an hour.
Joe Gagne
thecubsfan.com
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