One Year Ago, Saturn beats Chavo, Hardcore Holly defeats Sean Stasiak and Gunn and Show top Raven and Justin during their short tag team run. The only WWF loser of the night was Jerry Lynn, who lost to RVD in a match that was the nominally length for Heat, though shorter than the live version. At WWFNY, Scotty talked about the Rock's return and we had the first ever Worm race, where a world record was set.

TV14LV Entertainment (no Bischoff) open - does he not run this show? Is the face a sign a promise that you'll get four segments with him, and they can't deliver that on Heat. Fireworks DO look incredibly the same as each previous week, but I guess that's the point. WHY SHAWN WHY (did your face go into the car window?)

Matt Hardy vs earlier tonight -  "You know last week on Heat, Steven Richards beat me, and I understand the fact that I lost, but I don't accept it. Especially in that fashion. You know what, I don't accept losing, I don't accept failure, period. Tonight, I will redeem myself, and there's no Steven Richards can do to stop me, and there's nothing anyone can do to stop me - [weird new hand signal] Matt Hardy, version one." I was all hyped to say "who's he talking to?" but close captioned person thinks he said "virgin one" and I'm not totally sure they're wrong. But then what was he doing with Lita? Let's try not to think about this too deeply.

Matt Hardy vs Steven Richards - Steven has a new video! Good for him. Now he's getting punked out. (Bad for him.) Referee Charles Robinson rings for the bell before the go in. Steven whipped into the barricade, thrown in. D'Lo's pushing Matt as the Innovator of Offense, which makes me miss Kanyon. Corner punches are not innovative. One two three four five six seven eight nine, off the corner to let Steven walk into a right for ten. Whip, back elbow, elbow drop. One two no. Shirts off. Choking with the shirt. Hmm, Matt's in a mad mood. Steven leverages Matt out of the ring, but Matt lands on his feet, up to the apron, Steven forearms him and runs him into the post. Matt is dead on the mat. Thrown in. Steven with an elbow to the back. Elbow to the back. Elbow to the back. Steven calling Matt up - kick to the leg, front facelock, yell and hand raise, suplex. One two no. Turnbuckle smash. Shoulder to the back, shoulder to the back, shoulder to the back, forearm to the back, back suplex. Work a body part much? Now he's mocking Matt. Stomp to the back. Snap mare. Full nelson clutch. Matt getting up, back elbows to escape, back suplex into a elbow driver. Steven with a suplex, no Matt runs it around - there's the sleeper reverse mat slam from last week too. Both up, matt with a right, Steven with a right, Matt with a right, Steven with a kick but it's caught - discus right. Whip, reversed, bulldog clothesline one two NO. Corner whip, charge in to a Steven back elbow. Steven charges out into the hiptoss into a neckbreaker - one two NO. You know why Matt's never on RAW? No way JR can call those moves. Side Effect but Steven elbows out - kick to the gut, yell, Matt escapes, Side Effect, one two NO. I guess I'd really be surprised if that worked once. Kick, wham, shoved off - and Steven throws him out of the ring, but Matt lands on the apron, shoulder to the gut, sunset flip but Steven sits down - one (reach for the ropes) two, Matt reverses it, one two NO. Slam, we still need to get the legdrop in. Coach and D'Lo talk about how the second rope is the "middle-class district, you know, the nice suburb!" Matt calls Steven up - kick, wham, Twist no Steven grabs the top rope to stop himself from going down - bulldog! One two NO. Perhaps he should try the superkick. Steven puts Matt on the top rope, and now he's going up behind him - what's this? Won't matter, Matt with an elbow, TWIST OF FATE OFF THE TOP one two three (5:43) "I don't think anybody ever is gonna kick out of THAT!" 

We look at the announcers (and the action behind them: Matt celebrating his win) - it's D'Lo and Coach calling the action, and talking about the jumps (in unspecific terms.)

Terri talks to William Regal about his match later about Goldust: "Goldust, didn't you used to be married to that young man? [Terri mouths "yes"]  What an enchanting affair that must've been, you must be so proud of yourself, and so must your mother be so proud of you for doing it. That dirty, filthy, disgusting individual, that ragamuffin, how on earth an I expected to get in the ring and show the class I always show when I have to face an individual like Goldust. I'd like to say I'd give him the trashing of a lifetime, but he'd probably bloody well enjoy that! All I know, is when I finish with him, he's going to be crying tears as big as October cabbages. He's going to face something that is barbaric, sadistic, and also, the one thing that no other superstar in the WWE has, and that is the Power of the Punch, and when he feel sit ooh, he won't bloody like it, you know?" Later, Goldust vs Regal, but next, the newest members of RAW.

RAW's jumps - they focus on Test a bunch. (1:35) Later, Goldust vs Regal.

XXX Other Jump Of Monday

King Raven is out - and it's not on their format! Ah, we're getting the full effect of Nitro - three commentators. Raven explains that this is his playground, after all, so if he feels like doing commentary, he's going do commentary. No one's gonna stop him - well, D'Lo seems fine with it for now.

Shelton Benjamin (Orangeburg, SC, 248 pounds) vs Justin Credible - Shelton is Justin's size (meaning he's not close to 248), yet black. Maybe a couple inches taller. Announcers say he went to U of Minnesota with Brock Lesnar. He looks in better shape than Justin. Raven points out that just going to school with Brock doesn't make Shelton good - "if we put D'Lo in a commentators booth with JR, he still wouldn't be a good commentator." Lockup, Shelton with a double leg takedown, Waistlock rollup for one two no, again one two no. Justin gets the ropes at a break. Raven spares me from calling any more non-lucha mat wrestling by declaring that D'Lo and Coach's "Raven is miserable" line is a cruel lie. He's actually ecstatic. Nice fireman's carry, nice dropkick. Monkey flip. Armbar. Raven is an ecstatic cynic. Let's look at the commentators so I know I'm not supposed to be paying attention here - "You people are depraved, I'm not depraved." Let's watch Shelton land on his feet after taking a Monkey Flip - variant on a Russian Leg Sweep for one two no. Shoulderblock probably isn't gonna get three. Justin gets in his spinning DDT. Raven says he may make fun of D'Lo, but he has to give him credit for his CPA. Which is good, but it leads to Raven accusing D'Lo of cheating on the final exam. "You cheated! You cheated to pass the exam, didn't you D'Lo!" Pulling powerbomb, uno dos nah. D'Lo's no selling Raven's comments. Raven takes this as encouragement to keep making them. Coach plays mediator. Nothing's interesting is going on the mat - Shelton' right about to comeback - lots of back hands. Whip, press slam! He's strong for his size. Northern Lights one two NO! D'Lo chalks up the Lights to his amateur background. Near ref bump but Shell stops quick, turn around, SUPERKICK one two NO way that move works anymore. Loading up for another one, but this one is caught, Shell with a kick but it's caught, so he reverses to a great looking standing spin kick to the back of Justin's head, one two three. (4:38) I think I shall call that the Shell Shock, just to remind you why I don't make up move names. Benajmin's solid, but outside of that kick finisher (and look how well those are working on this show), nothing spectacular here. Raven still wants to know if D'Lo cheated, but Coach is trying to move on with the show, and D'Lo's just too angry to talk. Ah, he's doing his Zybsko, I get it. 

Still to come, HBK wanted payback, and someone else got it. Johnny vs Spike is NEXT.

Johnny Stamboli (w/fur coat with no sleeves) vs Spike Dudley - that's quite a coat. He's a heel this week. Nick Patrick pretends not to care about the coat, but you can se him eyeing it. Does he have new music too? Raven's still at the desk so I'm sure I can blow this match off too. Raven's point is that he's not depraved, he's the good one, everyone else is messed up and cheating on their CPA exams. D'Lo: "Look Raven, I'm gonna tell you this right now, what I did in my past, you know, I ay not have passed the boards, so, so, the right way, but I'm 'fessing up to it, and I want you to be a man, step up to a plate, stop coming out here to try zing everyone with one liners." HE DID CHEAT! I guess he feels pretty safe that the U of Maine isn't watching Heat. Also Coach wants us to watch the match now, so I'll mention that Spike still has rib/back tape and Johnny is going to work on it. At least they set up the lift reversed into a dropkick by having Johnny hit a flapjack the first time. D'Lo: "Let me tell you this, if I was Spike Dudley-" Raven: "If you were Spike Dudley, you'd pull the tights and cheat, just like you did before you came to the WWE." Coach is trying to call the match desperately. Raven is philosophizing again. Spike gets dropped on the ropes. "So let me get this straight - you're right, and the rest of the world is wrong?" "Exactly." Coach, in a desperate gasp to get someone to pay attention to the match, suggests that Johnny is paying more attention to following up after that cost him his match last week - of course, Spike turns it around soon anyway. More Raven and D'Lo arguing. "Honestly, I've wrestled [Spike], I never thought he was that tough?" "You never thought Spike Dudley was tough?" "No." Johnny with the abdominal stretch with the ropes. Raven says Spike always fell victim to the Raven Effect, just as D'Lo would, if they ever met. D'Lo accusing Raven of Not Representing, Not Keeping It Real. Johnny going for a superplex, but he's pushed off - double boot stomp. D'Lo says Raven would go into the Sky Hi Hall Of Fame (there is no Lo Down.) Classic Comeback. Dudley Dog - no, ForgetAboutIt. One two three. (3:46) Raven says he'd make the Sky Hi Hall Of Fame, because he'd be the first one to kick out of it. Raven doesn't watch too many old D'Lo matches, I guess. Coach really would like to talk about Johnny. D'Lo's too busy ranting - Raven says everyone's like him, but they're all covering it up, and he gets treated unfairly because he doesn't cover up. "You got a problem with that?" "Damn right! You damn right!" They both throw down their headsets, face to face (Coach backs off), D'Lo says something, Raven stares, backs off - right is ducked, D'Lo with a right that takes Raven over the table, and Raven goes to the floor as Coach holds D'Lo back. D'Lo's wants a piece of Raven anyway, but Raven's backing away towards backstage. Break.

I think this passed up Al/Tazz as best announcer feud (wrestlers only division), by having actual physical contact in the last six months. Come back from Tough Enough, Al!

Moments ago, Raven needs to try not to telegraph his punch like that. Let's go to RAW - no blood in color for you on Heat. Though I'm sure we saw some in those True Life ads they've been running all hour. (6:15) Next, Regal vs Goldust.

Slim Jim IC Title Change of Monday - see, they barely talked about this because he's going to their competition, hmm, hey, why doesn't Eric just reverse the decision now that Benoit's left?

William Regal vs Goldust - D'Lo and Coach are far over the last few weeks. Circle, lockup, Goldust wins, announcers say these two are going in different directions - I guess referring to Regal's title loss? Lockup, Goldust with a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Regal begs off. Circle, lockup, Regal with a wristlock, than an armdrag into an armbar. Goldust up, reversing, twist, Regal rolls into a reversal, front facelock, Goldust with an armdrag to escape. Lockup, Regal with a knee. Forearm. Forearm. Forearm. Forearm. Forearm. Corner whip, reversed, Regal rebounds out into a backdrop. Goldust with a cross body, but he gets caught and dropped on the ropes - clotheslined off the ropes. Stomps. Knee lift. Off the ropes, knee lift to the head. One two NO. Right. Goldust with a right. Regal with a forearm. Goldust with a right. Right. Right. Right. Clothesline. Clothesline. Whip, reversed, Regal puts his head down too soon so Goldust hits the Thrust Uppercut. Goldust with the reverse facelock, but Regal forearms out, reaching into this trunks - Goldust inside cradle one two three! (3:27) That was out of nowhere - POWER OF THE PUNCH. Well that evens it up. He's got no problem showing it off before putting it back this time, because the match is over.

And so is the show. PEACE.