/8 August 1999
WWF Sunday Night Heat
A lot of people asked me what the deal was with the lowercase letters in
people's otherwise all-uppercase names. Basically, it's how the chyron
works on Heat when somebody walks out - so I stole it. I forget how many
people don't actually get this show...anyway, the great thing about this
name format is it prevents ichat from saving everyone else's poor eyes by
dropping in an "(I need to use lowercase)" over your carefully thought out
(and emphasized) words...
One World Leader Attitude - TV-PG-DLV - WWF!
Closed captioned logo - open credits
Whaaaaaaaaa won't Chris be FuNNY already? His Heat reports SuCK!! He doesn't make enough JoKES and I won't remember this show's only ONe hour...
We ARe LiVE (via West Coast tape delay) from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, MI 8.8.99 and you will FeEL THe HeAT!
VaL VeNIS v. D'Lo BRoWN for the Intercontinental Title - Val reminds us he's fiscally conservative. Brown wears the Euro title around his waist and carries the IC - he's probably the ONLY man that's happier to have the Euro title! Let Us Take you back to Monday and show you how he won that title. Just before THIS match is underway, the music fires up and out walk JeDOUBLEF JaDOUBLEREDOUBLET and De-BRA - Jarrett joins the commentators while Venis attacks from behind while Brown is distracted. Jarrett says he's going to set things straight - and not only take back his title, but Brown's European title as well. Oh, and there's a match going on, too! Double underhook, butterfly suplex for 2. Whip into the opposite corner, big back body drop, clothesline, kneedrop. Venis does his whip/hold on/kneelift thing he stole from Misawa (or so I've heard) and now Jarrett is in to cause the DQ (2:08) for no apparent reason other than he's pissed off. Brown has no problem getting the better of Jarrett despite being picked apart by Venis for most of the match - Venis joins in on Brown's side - Jarrett walks off, blaming Debra for his failed interference (makes sense? No? Well, it advances their story, anyway)
KeVIN "NaILZ" KeLLY and MiCHAEL CoLE are your hosts. Tonight, a big tag team title match! Undertaker vs. Ass! The word "Armageddon" will be spoken many times! All this - ANd So MuCH MoRE!
Let's sneak a peek backstage as Road Dogg tries to share strategy with Kane. Oh yeah, Kane's special "surprise" partner is Road Dogg. Wotta shock. It's like they were hoping to come up with a better idea by now but failed...
The Rock gets chefy with it. Har, har. I don't know about you, but when I see the "Director: Chef Boyardee" credit, my mind wanders into mental images of the guy dressed in white with chef's hat behind the camera, shouting "action!" into a megaphone....oh....sorry.
Paul Bearer and Undertaker hype GvsE.
Kevin Kelly interviews AL SNoW and PePPER - well, Snow talks, Pepper doesn't - well, Pepper talks to Snow. Right? I dunno. Snow and Pepper are like Timmy and Lassie, Dorothy and Toto, George and Astro, Shaggy and Scooby, Willllburrrr and Mr. Ed. Basic gist after all that is that Snow wants a shot at the Hardcore title at SummerSlam. Pepper looks incredibly frightened. As if on cue, BiG BoSS MaN walks out to a hearty "Bossman sux" chant. Bossman says he'd be happy to beat Snow again, and after that, he wants to have some fun with his "rat you call a dog." He'd be happy to see how many times he can beat Pepper until he talks to HIM, or maybe - stick the baton up his butt, dip him in batter, deepfry him and make a corn dog out of him? Step on his head until it pops? Wow, Bossman has issues. "I'm gonna gitchew - and your little dog, too!"
Let's Look at the Acolytes - they're not even going to bother bringing out the belts, since there's no chance they'll lose tonight (apparently).
WWF Action Figures turn your bedroom into a great big mess - well, not that your room wasn't exactly clean *beforehand*, but...
ToRI looks good in paint
Heat is brought to you by SNiCKERS! And WWF: The Music (Volume 3)! And by CaSTROL Motor Oily! Get a six foot tall poster!
ToRI v. LeXY FiFE (no entrance) - I can see Fife's cheeks!! Tori actually whips out a double rolling snap suplex and a dropkick. Fife tries a face plant (ha ha), then goes to the ol' hair pullin' and it's officially a women's match. Tori's spear ain't Edge's. Finisher is ... a powerslam? Eh, okay. (1:32) IVoRY makes her way out and waffles Tori with the title belt. Repeatedly. Then she takes out a big marker and does some body paint of her own - "SLuT" is painted on her abdomen, and "SKaNK" on the back. Ivory's all right! (Well, I mean, it made *me* laugh.)
Here's another look at Dogg and Kane - but this time, they're WaLKING!
The WWF Slam of the Week is Test making quick work of Rodney from last Monday's RaW iS WaR. Thanks, Starburst, for making your Hard Candies! We were all so TiRED of Jolly Ranchers!
The US Coast Guard brings you the Rescue of the Week! Tonight, it's Undertaker rescuing X-Pac from two weeks of appearances on RaW, Kane rescuing HiM, and Big Show rescuing...something else. I dunno. Man, it's a real s-t-r-e-t-c-h making these clips into "rescues!"
RoAD DoGG & THRoUGH HeLL FiRE ANd BRiMSTONE IT's KaNE v. ACoLYTES for the WWF tag team championship - Dogg tries to vary the singalong just for grins. Before Kane comes out, the Acolytes have snuck in to dismantle Dogg - there's a nice double neckbreaker. NoW the lights go out and Kane s-l-o-w-l-y walks to the ring. Opening bell sounds and it's apparently a handicap match now. Kane manages to actually gain the upperhand a bit, but Bradshaw comes back in - sidewalk slam from Kane off the ropes. Faarooq on the apron, Faarooq back to the floor. Kane out after Faarooq. Head to the STeEL steps. Hot shot for Bradshaw - top rope clothesline! As you might expect, we can't see the Acolytes without HaRDCORE HoLLY - apparently, *he* wants to be Kane's partner. Holly taps Kane's back - then turns on Kane and kicks away. Kane manages to come to enough to put Holly in the chokeslam - but the Acolytes save Holly by doubleteaming Kane. Then Holly goes after the Acolytes, because he's the Big Shot, I think. The Acolytes quickly turn it around and
take care of Holly
- there's the double PoWERBOMB! With Holly dispatched, the Acolytes go
back to work on Kane. They're bad mofo's, ain't they? Backstage, we see
Undertaker and Big Show looking on - Big Show ready to go out and save
Holly, but Undertaker holds him back.
We cut to the Rock - and - are you ready for this? He's WaLKING!!
Umm, I guess that other match is over? Huh. (We saw 3:23 - I'm guessing Acolytes get the nod - yes, by "nod" I mean the Nation of Domination)
Jesse the Body returns to the ring for an Out of Body Experience - 22 August for SuMMERSLAM!
Acclaim Sports be knowin' the Attitude, oh jaaa
Tonight after Heat on wwf.com, you can watch LT's historic WM XI match - this, the WWF's way of congratulating him on his induction into the NFL Hall of Fame - oh, and you can see him reduce Bam Bam Bigelow (who, just coincidentally, mind you, works elsewhere these days) to selling LT's offense. LT's a coke fiend, by the way.
Terri's wearing out Meat, you know. He's all tired and stuff, but oh no! He's got a match!
GoDFATHER (with sixteen - no, eight ho's) v. PRiNCE ALBeRT (with Droz) - "Man oh man, count 'em! Seven!" Well, I think *somebody* needs an eye exam. Godfather's a fun loving guy who loves to have fun. Here's a GvsE promo interrupting these exciting entrances. Godfather says no match with Albert tonight - he's kicked his ass enough. No, *he* wants the "Pillsbury Doughboy" who keeps jumping him. Sure enough, the mysterious MaN In WHiTE is out, attacking from behind, and Droz and Albert quickly join in. VaL VeNIS comes out to help, and even CHaZ joins in. Why, you ask? 'cause he's just a kid from Jersey, numb nuts! Oh yeah, (no contest). Time now for the assorted referees and officials to do their usual ineffectual job of keeping everybody separated. Droz and Albert seem a little more connected to this guy this week...
Snow, backstage, talks Pepper into jumping - well, Pepper won't jump until Snow gets a table. Snow says he's gonna leave Pepper there, for just a minute...wanna bet the dog's gone when he gets back?
WWF Smackdown! premieres August 26th! "on UPN" is muted out but *you* know where it's gonna be. And in prime time!
26:17:33 to the Millennium!
Here's an exterior of "the Joe" for the locals while we learn that Chef Boyardee presents WWF Summerslam '99! Feed the need!
Meat asks Terri what she's done to him. Terri tells Meat to trust him.
Snow introduces BLUe MeANIE to Pepper (who, amazingly, was NOT kidnapped during the break). "Nice gerbil! Maybe later the Meanie can put a little Pepper on his taco!" Snow takes exception to Meanie's funnin' mit der pooch and pastes him with a Coke, then runs him over the drink table. Slaughter and the refs are a little late.
MeAT (with TeRRI RuNNELLS)
v. BiG BoSSMAN - I can see
of Terri's breastesses!! Meat's suddenly embarrassed to be out there in
his underwear. I give this match two minutes tops. Bossman wants the
underwear checked, I think. Meat turns to Terri and Bossman fires away
from behind. On the second rope, Bossman straddle. Bossman baseball
slide uppercut. Meat comes back with Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine,
right, off the ropes, back elbow, but he's so *tiiiiired*. Have we beaten
this story into you enough? Bossman with big ol' punches. Now raking
various orifices. Double sledge. Camel clutch-alike. Right hand. Meat
firing back with rights, Bossman with a back elbow. Big deal made of
Jacqueline's absence - and *no* deal made of Ryan's (ha!). Into the
corner - Meat sidesteps the charge. Waistlock from behind, surprising
Bossman (okay, I finally get it - Meat is so *aroused* from Terri that his
... er... his....yeah, is rubbing up against Bossman), whose trick knee
acts up. Off the ropes, Bossman catches him in a powerbomb. Bossman
stands on the manhood in question for the three (3:15) and then gives it a
good ol' nightstick shot for good measure. Oh, I see, Terri was slipping
him some liquid Viagra or something. That story isn't even WoRTH figuring
out, for me. Still, maybe the women dug it. Oh wait, size doesn't
matter. Am I rambling?
Shawn Michaels on Pac Blue tonight! You're a sucker if you watch!
Wow! The Rock is WaLKING!!!
Jesse Ventura will be LiVE on RaW tomorrow night, and you best be watchin' it
THe RoCK is out for a "surprise" interview - check that, out to the announce position as a guest commentator. Rock wastes no time making fun of Cole and Kelly.
KiNG ASS (with CHYNa) v. UNDeRTAKER (with BiG SHoW and PaUL BeARER) - "Rock, what do you think is Mr. Ass' greatest asset?" "Well, the Rock says basically Mr. Ass sucks." Heh! Ass gets the early jump but Undertaker is quick to strike with exciting kicks and thrilling punches. Off the ropes, big boot. Cover, only 2. Who do you root for when heels collide? Crowd decides to chant "Rocky" instead. Ass slides under the boot, hits a clothesline - nice neckbreaker there but only 2. Gunn with a choke. Head to the buckle. Undertaker comes back, Gunn pokes the eyes. Right, right. Right. Rock and Kelly say "kayfabe" to make all the smarts perk up. Unfortuantely, all the smarts have already turned to FoX early so they don't miss seeing what Bart's written on the chalkboard this week, by the way. Undertaker leaves the ring, much to the consternation of referee "Blind" Earl Hebner. Undertaker comes back in and chases Hebner down to the ramp. Now, for no apparent reason, Rock attacks Gunn. Big Show comes over, and they're fighting. Undertaker gets a tombstone on Gunn for the pin (3:34) and now they turn to the Rock with the doubleteam - before we get to see Chyna get involved against her better interests, we're outta here.
Tomorrow, the dawning of the new Millennium, and Jesse Ventura!
Chyna and Triple H hype GvsE - I think *I'll* be watchin' the final MST3K.
Why, of CoURSE they didn't give anything away in anticipation of the biggest RaW in quite a while! In fact, most people are looking more forward to tomorrow's RaW then SummerSlam...right? Oops.
See you tomorrow!